Sharks, My Ass!

DUH ta DUH ta DUH ta DUH … the music thrums, the waves break, the sun’s rays cook bathers who frolic, heedless of the dangers beneath them.

Then someone yells, “Shark!  Shark!  Shark!”  The music crashes and the swimmers panic in a headlong thrash away from the killers out of the water … for the safety of the shore.

The average number of recorded shark deaths per year in the US is two per year.  Two … that’s right … I said two.  And you can bet those attacks didn’t happen in Boise or St. Paul.

If that’s the case, then why all the publicity about shark attacks?

Try “Sharknado,” or the 2.5 star rated “Jersey Shore Shark Attack” and the killer of all shark movies, “Jaws” and its three sequels.  There are probably 30 or more shark movies available for your watching pleasure via Netflix.  Beware, one of these is “Finding Nemo.”  Yes, that’s a shark movie.

Let’s look at some facts … just the facts.

E-yi-e-yi-oh!  Here’s a quick look at Old MacDonald and his cows, pigs, horses and dogs.

Cows kill over 20 people per year.  It seems that “Home on the Range” is more dangerous than we non-cowboys think.  Maybe that includes some Bull S#*t, but it’s USA data only, so it does not include the idiots that run with the bulls in Pamplona or the Toreadors facing pissed off bulls in la corrida.

Plus, there is evidence that cows will gang up on an intruder and under Bossie’s leadership, encircle and then attack.  Maybe it’s all about “Cow-titude.”  If you don’t kill ‘em to eat ‘em, they don’t get pissed at you.  Mooooo!

Pigs … The Three Little Pigs, my big pork butt!  According to US statistics, you’re six times more likely to be killed by a “domestic” pig than by a shark.  They are apparently, mean, aggressive and sneaky, snorty animals.

And forget about horses.  They’re at 52 deaths annually and counting.

As for man’s best friend, think again mi amigo.  Close to 30 people per year are brought to brutal ends by the “Jaws of Fido.”  “Here, poochie, poochie, poochie. Dinner time!”  Sounds like it could be a line from a “Chuckie Meets Fido” made for TV movie!

The moral of this “fish tale,” is to wade in the water, Baby.  Or, Mama don’t let your kids grow up to be cowboys … they’re safer when they’re wet.

Just sayin’.

GOP De-Bait Format Resolved

Houston, we have a problem … more Republican presidential candidates than can be stacked, squeezed or hung from trapezes on the stage.  We’re talking the great GOP De-Bait crisis.

Fox News wants to limit the De-Bait to a mere 10 contestants, oops I mean candidates on the stage.  But that’s oh so un-American.  We’re the country where bigger, biggest, gi-gan-to rules.  Think Super Bowl, Macy’s Parade, award shows the size of most royal coronations.

Shit, the Duggars can manage 19 kids.  Shouldn’t the great GOP De-Bait be able to handle a measly 20+ candidates?

We have an opportunity here, Houston … not a problem.

If the NFL can turn Super Bowl into an all day event and drag a 60 minute game out to three hours, FOX should be able to rise to the occasion.  Why not stage it as the “Super De-Bait #I?”

Ratings will soar.  Think big, Fox News, and you will be big or finally big enough to rule the world!  This is a stadium sized affair and you don’t even have to build a stadium.

At 20 candidates, that’s only 5,000 people per candidate to reach 100,000 people easy.  Santorum and Huckabee can appeal to evangelicals to “make a pilgrimage.”  Jeb Bush can bus ‘em all in – he’s got the big bucks.  Rubio can mobilize the now wealthy Cuban refugees in Miami and the Texas gunslingers, Cruz and Perry, can roundup Texas – if they can’t get their share from that huge state they need to hang-up their spurs.

If a stage can be assembled in minutes for Super Bowl half-time extravaganzas it should be a no-brainer to build a dais to hold candidates for question and non-answer performances.  Make it a revolving 50-yardline stage with tiered rows of soft cushy chairs – think rich Corinthian leather.

Each candidate’s table would be the shape of his “home state.”

Imagine a highly visible red, white and blue elephant buzzer attached to each table.  Just like Jeopardy, the first to the buzzer gets to create a non-answer to the question … and he doesn’t have to structure his non-answer in the form of a question!

I’m pissed that Alex Trebek can’t emcee the show … but the GOP and the Fox Network are adamant about turning this incredible opportunity into a dismal and boring affair based on some cockamamie notion to de-select candidates for the non-answer De-Baits.

Ho hum … just dreamin’ of what could be.

Alpha Wolf or Alpha Wuss

Think you want to be an alpha male? You might want to think again – the job description is a little different than you might expect. No strutting around, showing your stuff, bossing people around while others stare in awe admiring your prowess.

It turns out that the alpha wolf can teach us alpha male wannabes a few lessons on the true “alpha-ness of life.”

Scratch Dirty Harry, nee Clint Eastwood, and hook-up with your inner Orlando Bloom. OMG, humility, is the key to true alpha maleness.

The alpha wolf, a.k.a. leader of the pack, leads by, oh so boring, quiet example. No snarls, snaps, ferocity and aggression unless it’s do or die for the life of the pack. In human terms, he uses his influence to help the pack “git ‘er done.”

Horror of horrors, the alpha wolf is the consummate adult, not a snotty teen or arrogant twenty-something–Justin Bieber need not apply.

As if this weren’t bad enough for we alpha male wannabes, turns out female alphas, not male alphas rule the roost, a.k.a., the den.

The female alphas aren’t just minding the den watching the cubs while hubby-wolf leads the other males on a hunt to bring home the bacon. The female alphas are hunting and heading pack homeland security alerting alpha males when it’s time to lead the troops out on defensive maneuvers.

When not on pack lockdown, Alpha males are the “pupmeisters”–nurturing and teaching by example. Not just plumped in front of the wolf version of Wii or Xbox LXXV (75 for those of you who don’t count Roman.)

Do you think there’s something we men can learn from this? Is there more to being an alpha male? Should we be tuning into our inner-wolf, rather than being loud and obnoxious, acting like we own everything and everyone?

Should male “Wallstreeters,” politicians, tech giants, and corporate bigwigs rethink their “big bully” approach to pack management. Could it be that if they don’t, an alpha female might just end up leading the pack. OMG! Armageddon awaits!

Just sayin’.