Sharks, My Ass!

DUH ta DUH ta DUH ta DUH … the music thrums, the waves break, the sun’s rays cook bathers who frolic, heedless of the dangers beneath them.

Then someone yells, “Shark!  Shark!  Shark!”  The music crashes and the swimmers panic in a headlong thrash away from the killers out of the water … for the safety of the shore.

The average number of recorded shark deaths per year in the US is two per year.  Two … that’s right … I said two.  And you can bet those attacks didn’t happen in Boise or St. Paul.

If that’s the case, then why all the publicity about shark attacks?

Try “Sharknado,” or the 2.5 star rated “Jersey Shore Shark Attack” and the killer of all shark movies, “Jaws” and its three sequels.  There are probably 30 or more shark movies available for your watching pleasure via Netflix.  Beware, one of these is “Finding Nemo.”  Yes, that’s a shark movie.

Let’s look at some facts … just the facts.

E-yi-e-yi-oh!  Here’s a quick look at Old MacDonald and his cows, pigs, horses and dogs.

Cows kill over 20 people per year.  It seems that “Home on the Range” is more dangerous than we non-cowboys think.  Maybe that includes some Bull S#*t, but it’s USA data only, so it does not include the idiots that run with the bulls in Pamplona or the Toreadors facing pissed off bulls in la corrida.

Plus, there is evidence that cows will gang up on an intruder and under Bossie’s leadership, encircle and then attack.  Maybe it’s all about “Cow-titude.”  If you don’t kill ‘em to eat ‘em, they don’t get pissed at you.  Mooooo!

Pigs … The Three Little Pigs, my big pork butt!  According to US statistics, you’re six times more likely to be killed by a “domestic” pig than by a shark.  They are apparently, mean, aggressive and sneaky, snorty animals.

And forget about horses.  They’re at 52 deaths annually and counting.

As for man’s best friend, think again mi amigo.  Close to 30 people per year are brought to brutal ends by the “Jaws of Fido.”  “Here, poochie, poochie, poochie. Dinner time!”  Sounds like it could be a line from a “Chuckie Meets Fido” made for TV movie!

The moral of this “fish tale,” is to wade in the water, Baby.  Or, Mama don’t let your kids grow up to be cowboys … they’re safer when they’re wet.

Just sayin’.

2 thoughts on “Sharks, My Ass!

  1. Okay I get it. So I can just stay at home and wait for my cat to do me in.

  2. Hey, Ella … thanks for reading my stuff …

    Yes, you can stay at home. But from what I’ve read, I don’t think your cat will do you in … unless you have a compromised immune system and you consistently play in the cat’s litter. But statistically speaking, your death will most likely be chalked up to “failures resulting from a compromised immune system,” and NOT your damned cat.

    There is a possibility of course, that your cat could be the one that starred in Stephen King’s “Pet Cemetery,” which if that’s the case, you are truly doomed!

    That was a good news and bad news email …

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