Monthly Archives: September 2015

What Ever Happened to “Fahrvergnugen?”

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Volkswagen has a problem.  Not a “Beetle” sized problem.  More like an entire Germany sized problem.

They’ve been bitch-slapped big-time for cheating on emissions in 11 million diesel model cars.  It’s a slap heard around the world.

VW’s top people admitted the whole plan was … well, planned!  What?  They admitted it?  That only happens on TV courtroom drama!

And, guess who nailed ‘em?  Nailed ‘em good.  Yeah, they had some outside help … but still, they nailed ‘em.

OMG … it’s our EPA!  Yes, that EPA … Our EPA.

One of the agencies, Rick “I’m-Not-Running-for-President-But-I’m-Keeping-The Money” Perry, wanted to defund and discontinue.

Yes, that Rick Perry.  A one percenter.  No not at the top of the financial food chain.  It’s THAT Rick Perry …  a one percenter at the bottom of the GOP candidate food chain.  Not such a hot idea now Rick!

But VW’s problem isn’t the EPA.

It’s not absorbing the billions of dollars they’ll most likely shell out.

It’s not even the jail time some of their decision makers could serve.

What Volkswagen has is a simple PR problem.

They don’t need to spend waves of money on market research.  It would be a waste and they won’t have any money after paying the fines and consumer law suits.

First … ditch the bickering old ladies with the cute accents taking test drives in the “clean diesels” … diesels with zip and maneuverability.  VW doesn’t need more video proof they were “taking people for a ride.”  That’s called fraud.

VW needs to hark back to happier times.  The 1990s.  Everyone was making money, spending it and having fun.

That’s when we thought the “good ride” would last forever and VW gave us “Fahrvergnugen.”

 Fahrvergnugen was everywhere.  There were Fahrvergnugen ads, decals, and clothing.  It was on vanity license plates … at least abbreviated.  It actually made it into our lexicon via the “Urban Dictionary:”  “the act of felating someone who is driving an automobile (especially a Volkswagen).

So, Fahrvergnugen was in marketing terms … the cat’s ass!

But, the days of Fahrvergnugen are long gone and VW needs an immediate makeover.

A conceptual word.  One that will grab us emotionally just as Fahrvergnugen did.  One that’s descriptive.  One that let’s us know just what VW did to us.

That’s why I propose “Fuchen-yu-gen” as VW’s next big slogan.  Yes … they did it to us!

Just sayin’.

Pope Rumbles with Congress

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NEWS FLASH!  John Boehner to launch Pope Francis’ address to congress next week with a massive bang!

Michael Buffer, World Wrestling Entertainment announcer extraordinaire, will issue the call to order:  “Let’s Get Ready to Rum-m-m-mble!”

The minute the Pope’s visit was announced, GOP salvos were launched, conservative pundits sniped, and Republican presidential candidates weighed-in.

WARNING TO POPE:  Stay out of our climate, economy, social welfare, medical delivery systems, and politics.

But, no one asked the critical question: “WWJD?  What Would Jesus Do?”

Jesus kicked some serious political butt and Pope Francis steps lightly in those eternal foot prints.  Just as Jesus had the Jewish political structure quaking in its sandals … Francis is creating serious stomach flips in our political hierarchy.

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Where Jesus confronted the money changers, Francis speaks out against unfettered capitalism.

While Jesus mingled with the woebegone … think Mary Magdalene … Francis unabashedly calls for action to save the poverty stricken and washes their feet.

Whether or not you’re Christian, you’ve got to give Francis credit for walking the walk and talking the talk.  There’s powerful Juju in the guy!

Current Vegas odds covering the Pope’s visit run 5:1, that:

More Republicans than Dems leave the chamber with agita

 More Representatives than Senators yell something ungodly while His Holiness speaks

 More Senators than the House members peek during the Pontif’s opening prayer

 The Pope’s message no doubt will cause some serious seat squirming.

Catholic Candidate-in-Chief, Rick Santorum won’t be in attendance.  A Senate loser and soon to be Presidential loser, he’ll escape a face-to-face scolding for calling Francis a “Know-Nothing” about the science of global warming.

Earth to Rick, the Pope holds a Master’s Degree in chemistry and understands 8th grade Earth Science.

Jeb!, another Pope Lecturer-in-Chief won’t be there either.  Jeb!, in all his budgetary wisdom, won’t seek economic advice from his priest or the Pope.  Francis says that He won’t rely on Jeb! for tax advice on the 1%, or the failures of unfettered capitalism and trickle down economics.

Odds on favorite for the biggest squirmer in the House, is John Boehner.  He masterminded the Pope’s visit and is clinging to his Speaker’s Butt by the narrowest of margins.  I can see the post-session headline now:

“Speaker Boehner Loses Seat after Francis’ Visit … Hostile Tea Party Evangelicals Oust Speaker.  Boehner Licks Wounds in Ohio.  No Longer 85% in Disarray, GOP House Members Proudly Declare 100% Dysfunction.”

Amen to that, Brother.

Just sayin’.

The Polit-a-razzi

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OMG!  We’re under attack. The Polit-a-razzi are at the gates!!  Reality TV has spawned this near sighted Goliath, filling every TV, tablet, smart phone and ear bud with political slime.  They stalk their preferred prey setting up for the kill with tabloid style “gotcha moments” and campaign wrecking fake exposes.

Think political gangbanging reporters armed with high powered fully-automated cameras engaged in drive-by shooting, recording and reporting on presidential candidates.

Facts be damned … the Polit-a-razzi feed on what sells.  If it’s not outrageous, doesn’t promote a conspiracy theory, or isn’t wild speculation … it’s not news.  And, if it’s not news, it’s not in Polit-a-razzi lenses.

Now you know why some of the candidates have gone MIA.  Have you seen Martin “Who’s-He?” O’Malley, Chris “I-did-not-Move-the-Traffic-Cones” Christie, Bobby “I-too-am-a-Man-of-Color” Jindal or Carly “I-was-a-Woman-before-I-was-a-CEO” Fiorina, surrounded by the Polit-a-razzi?

No!  Why not?

Because they’re so boring they can’t bribe, bully or bait the Polit-a-razzi into coming after them.  The only time we hear about them is when they’re the target de jour of a Trump-mauling.

So, who do the Polit-a-razzi love, feed off of, and chase?  You guess.

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You got it – The Donald and The Hukster-bee, the guys with ids from the deep.  They know the Polit-a-razzi thrive on raw meat.

Showing up at the Kim Davis get-out-jail-free scam was a brilliant move by The Hukster-bee.  He even upstaged Ted “I’m-just-out-for-a” Cruz.

Poor Ted … turned away by a Huckster-bee lineman’s cut-block and shown the exit ramp of the big “No-Gays-Married-Today” stage.  No camera time for you, Cruz-er.

As for Hillary “I’m-Sorry-Already” Clinton and Bernie “Yes-I’m-an-Old-White-Socialist” Sanders, all they have to do is sneeze … or pretend to sneeze, and the Polit-a-razzi press are mobbing them.

The Polit-a-razzi is in it for the cliff hanger.  They want hot-n-sexy in the moment political cat fights, catastrophic potential campaign ending gaffs, photos of a candid-date’s “political belly fat” … or God forbid, “political cellulite.”  That’s what gets the cameras whirring, the pundits yelling and Twitter tweeting.

This melee is definitely fun to watch.  But I wonder … is anyone tuned into the current “Reality USA” show which features our crumbling infrastructure, ineffective schools, Middle East chaos, immigration fiasco, and countless sub-plots?

Probably not … that’s way too “real” and exhausting.

It’s way easier to settle for endless debates about whether Tom Brady “really” did deflate those footballs and whether Roger Goodell will survive as the head of the NFL.  Thank God for football!

Just sayin’.

 

Scandal Hits Muppet Land

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Can you believe it?

After 40 long years Kermit and Miss Piggy are no longer an item.

Do I hear someone whispering behind the sty, “You can’t put lipstick on a pig?”  ABC, the new network in Muppet Land, knows this scandal will only get worse.

And if you effing believe that Kermit’s ex-pigfriend is ready to go oinkless into the night, then, I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn I want to talk to you about.

Did Miss Piggy ever get a first name?  Nooo!  But, the new starlet pig escorted by the slimy green frog has a first name and it’s not Miss, Ms. or Mrs.

Kermit’s new flame, Denise, works at ABC.  She’s a younger, slimmer pig with seductive almond eyes, and the TV execs want us to believe that all’s well as Kermit parades around the sets with his new sowfriend preparing for next season’s “docu-series.”   What pond scum!!

Forty years is a long-term relationship whether you’re actual humans or fuzzy Muppets created for the educational entertainment of kids and adults with the brains of kids.  A Hollywood break-up after 40 years deserves more than a blog post or two.

The Kardashians, all of them, get more press when they blink their eyes.  And it’s for-damn-sure they’ll never appear on PBS, NPR or any other educational station.

Miss Piggy’s the Liz Taylor of Swinedom and Kermit, well, to keep the analogy going, is the Richard Burton of non-prince Frogdom.  All the times this romantic duo kissed, Kermit never once poofed into a Prince Charming.

Did Miss Piggy just not have that special “it?”

Or,is it finally a proven fact that Kermit, after all is said and done, is just a nasty frog … and I’m not making a non-PC reference to our French allies.

I beg you, Miss Peggy, fight for your self respect.  Take on the mantle of “bayou frog gigger” and go after that cold blooded amphibian Kermit.  Don’t let the little green ribbit-er get away with hopping around town with his younger, slimmer version of a Love Pork Chop!

Don’t crawl back to the sty and take this wallowing around.  Spare not a rib.  Gird up your loins.  This is no picnic.  We’re talking a WWE style bare pig knuckles fight to the death!

Just sayin’.