Scandal Hits Muppet Land

Can you believe it?

After 40 long years Kermit and Miss Piggy are no longer an item.

Do I hear someone whispering behind the sty, “You can’t put lipstick on a pig?”  ABC, the new network in Muppet Land, knows this scandal will only get worse.

And if you effing believe that Kermit’s ex-pigfriend is ready to go oinkless into the night, then, I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn I want to talk to you about.

Did Miss Piggy ever get a first name?  Nooo!  But, the new starlet pig escorted by the slimy green frog has a first name and it’s not Miss, Ms. or Mrs.

Kermit’s new flame, Denise, works at ABC.  She’s a younger, slimmer pig with seductive almond eyes, and the TV execs want us to believe that all’s well as Kermit parades around the sets with his new sowfriend preparing for next season’s “docu-series.”   What pond scum!!

Forty years is a long-term relationship whether you’re actual humans or fuzzy Muppets created for the educational entertainment of kids and adults with the brains of kids.  A Hollywood break-up after 40 years deserves more than a blog post or two.

The Kardashians, all of them, get more press when they blink their eyes.  And it’s for-damn-sure they’ll never appear on PBS, NPR or any other educational station.

Miss Piggy’s the Liz Taylor of Swinedom and Kermit, well, to keep the analogy going, is the Richard Burton of non-prince Frogdom.  All the times this romantic duo kissed, Kermit never once poofed into a Prince Charming.

Did Miss Piggy just not have that special “it?”

Or,is it finally a proven fact that Kermit, after all is said and done, is just a nasty frog … and I’m not making a non-PC reference to our French allies.

I beg you, Miss Peggy, fight for your self respect.  Take on the mantle of “bayou frog gigger” and go after that cold blooded amphibian Kermit.  Don’t let the little green ribbit-er get away with hopping around town with his younger, slimmer version of a Love Pork Chop!

Don’t crawl back to the sty and take this wallowing around.  Spare not a rib.  Gird up your loins.  This is no picnic.  We’re talking a WWE style bare pig knuckles fight to the death!

Just sayin’.

16 thoughts on “Scandal Hits Muppet Land

  1. Why do I suspect the Pork Producers of America are somehow behind that last graph? Still, once again, Richard brings home the bacon.

    • Crap, Lloyd … An excellent “Pork Retort” (bring home the bacon) that I shoulda been able to work into my last graph! But, that’s why I have you helping me out.

      Thanx for reading and commenting! Keep up the good work for the Vero Beach News!

  2. Well, I didn’t believe it and then saw a USA Today video as proof. Don’t know whether to side with the pushy pig or the fickle frog. Guess I’ll just stay neutral and see how it slops out.

    • Geary! Great … I got yet another “Pork Retort” from one of my readers. Just pissed that I didn’t use “slop out” in my last graph!

      I only comment on truth absurdity … at least so far! It’s tougher to make up items than it is to scan the news and carry an event to absurdity.

      The Frog is a slimey creature!

      Thanks for reading and commenting!

  3. Richard, what does the Iowa Pork Producers Association have to say about these matters?

  4. Michael … Great question. I must admit in all my research, I did not ask for information from any of the myriad of “Pork Growers’ Associations.” There appears to be an association for almost every state plus national organizations.

    I have requested a response from the Iowa state association … Who knows? They may have a sense of humor and answer me.

    Thanks for reading my shit!

    • I lived in Iowa for 15 years. I remember crossing the state line at Audubon, IA and catching a whiff of the first pig farm. Blubbalicious!! Pigs are very smart, you know, and they love to push around old bowling balls with their ample snouts! They can also learn their names, and one in a litter can become the “Moi!” piggy. The potters in Iowa City fell in love with Miss Piggy! I mean, who wouldn’t? They made teapots, cookie jars, mugs, plates and lemonade pitchers so beautiful you wouldn’t even mind standing at the shop window in 20 below zero, choking up with love and because you couldn’t buy one right them.
      But more than anything, what man on earth would want a SKINNY Pig? Is Kermit a frog? Or is he a fop?
      I hate the name Denise! Have you ever met anyone named Denise who was nice? Every single one I’ve ever met was drunk and/or stoned and smoked a lot.
      I am going to mail Miss Piggy my six month old carton of Whey protein! She’s going to need to be a really strong lady! Down with Denise!!
      ps Tom and Gail, you out-did yourselves on replies!!
      Martha Graham

      • PMartha … Thanx for reading. Your time in Iowa seems to be well spent … Pottery tears for Miss Piggy … a true emotional connection.

        And yes … Kermit is just another version of a “toad” … in all aspects of his being.

        Miss Piggy is apparently keeping her head held high, but I’m sure she really wants to dismember Kermit and saute a pair of frog’s legs for a nice lunch … A soft dry Pinot Gris would probably be best with it.

        Your whey will go a long way to give her the strength to push forward with her plan.

        • And one more point: no skinny pig with a pointed snout is going to be any good at all at pushing bowling balls around in the snow!! Only female pigs with nice flat snouts like Miss Piggy’s rule!!!
          As for Kermit, he takes second place to the GEICO Gecko!!, at least in this Miss Pig’s opine!! So! There!!

  5. Was I the only one that thought there was enough PORK !!! in politics , now it has spilled over into main stream entertainment!!! Time for a PIG ROAST . Kermit keep running if she is a Cancerian ; from the Goat ; and good cheese .
    Love , Denise

    • Ron … thanx for reading … being a good Southerner, there’s never enough “pork” in life … barbecued or otherwise!

      Right again … Goat Cheese is the only good cheese …

  6. How entertaining to read these droppings in response to the scholarly disquisition pertaining to the porcine politics and polemics. (Admittedly not nearly as catchy as the Nattering Nabobs of Negativism.) Perhaps our curly-tailed heroine has archived some missives on her personal (as opposed to State Department) computer that might impugn the once-thought unassailable integrity of our overgrown tadpole. Stay tuned – news at 11.

  7. Thanx for reading, Jim … God I love alliteration! Good work.

    Kermit seemed to always be above the thin layer of scum on the pond! Now that he’s gone for a younger, slimmer piece of pork, maybe his true “color” is showing. I think it’s time for him to break out into another round of “It’s not Easy being Green.” God what a sappy, whiney maudlin frog tune.

    I’m not one to mix my tadpoles with my politics so I’ll just vacate the discussion of emails, computers and State Departments. Is that a cop out?

  8. Aargh … another good “pork pun” that I missed … Good ond! Thanx for reading my stuff, Peggy.

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