Guns Don’t Kill People, Hammers Do

Guns, guns and more guns … If I hear one more piece of insane rhetoric about guns, I think I’ll shoot myself!

My favorite justification for not controlling guns goes something like this, “Hammers kill people. Should we control hammers?”

So help me with this.

We already control cars, seat belts and child restraint seats.  We place warning labels on cigarettes, beer and liquor.  We blunted the tips of scissors when we realized it was impossible to stop kids from “running with scissors.”

The anti-gun control arguments about having to control hammers if we control guns got me thinking about all the other “objects that kill” that we’d have to control.

Cheese kills people.  It’s a fact.

Issue a cease and desist order to the Green Bay Packers.  Stop their fans from wearing those incredibly ugly “cheese heads.”  A block of cheese placed right next to people’s brains, including children, undoubtedly influences them to eat more cheese.  And we all know cheese is on the verboten list for health foods.

Ban the Cheese Heads.  Cheese = Cholesterol = Heart Attacks.

Ice picks kill people, especially in the hands of serial killers.

I’ve read several novels that featured death from ice picks wielded by calculating stone-cold killers.  Yet, I can walk into any Ace Hardware and pluck one right off the rack … made in China of course.

No one uses blocks of ice anymore.  When’s the last time you saw a crazy person repeatedly and furiously stabbing at the chemical cold-packs in an Igloo cooler?

Ice picks are clearly deadly weapons.  Ice Picks + Crazy People = Death.

Fruits, especially apples, kill people.

Apples should sport a skull and cross bones sticker, warning that the fruit of Eden should be eaten under close supervision, removed from the core, and cut into small pieces.  If not, the eater runs the risk of choking to death.

No more mouth watering bites from a fresh picked apple.  Better to cook it down into unrecognizable mush to minimize risk!

Danger, this Apple may kill you.  Apple Bites + Bobbing Uvula = Death.

Wow … No wonder we can’t come to grips with reasonable efforts to control guns.  If we tried to establish reasonable controls over every object that kills us, think of the legislative work our poor Congress would face … These are the same folks who’re making the election of a new Speaker akin to parting the Red Sea.

I say, focus on controlling objects, which with just a flick of the finger, can kill huge numbers of people in seconds.  I’ll run the risk of leaving hammers, cheese, ice picks, and apples to their own devices.

Just sayin’.


18 thoughts on “Guns Don’t Kill People, Hammers Do

  1. Hear! Hear!

    I hope someone at the NY Times reads your dribble – It’s brilliant and funny – Warms the cockles of my heart on a cold mid-west fall morning.


    • Michael … Thanx for reading and your unbridled support. I had fun with this one!

      The statement paraphrased about hammers actually came from a “liberal” Dem … I was floored when I read it. Got my creative juices flowing and ended up with a fun Blog! Glad you enjoyed it

  2. Once again, the Mount Dora Home for Criminally Insane Writers produces a gem…but I am torn! (Though not Rip Torn.)

    Should we send cheesehead hats, ice picks, hammers and apples to the Republican caucus in Washington and let them wipe themselves out…..or would it make more sense to invest in XXL child-restraint seats and try to make them behave?

    • Great Blogger , loved this one . An apple a day …….
      I just got back from buying ;
      1 x 4lb Hammer. To hang small picture .
      1 x Ice Pick ( Made in Iceland )
      1 lb of Gorgonzola Cheese .
      I am drinking a Warsteiner, and loading my Taurus pistol , ( if Dirty Harry had one of these , but mine is BIGGER ) and I am off to visit the Black Caucus in Washington , ” Make my day , Punk ” , Cheers , R .

      • Ron … thanx for reading my stuff and commenting (I think!)

        You had me in your corner ’til the Black Caucus.

        Just a suggestion … you might want to consider Vegas & the Dem debate …

        I think you can carry in Nevada … You might make more of an impact than the BC. just sayin’

        • Oooooh, Don’t temp this redneck. We fight about Hillary all the time. (But secretly I’d bet he votes for the Dems!–he’s so full of it!).

          • The ONLY one that is full of it is P. Martha she votes republican .

        • M&R … My guess is the “flies on your walls” get an earful and an eyeful regularly with the two of you living together! What a trip.

          Thanks for reading my stuff

  3. Tom … Thanx for reading.

    Don’t give away my actual residence … people here in Mount Dora think I live in my home, not A Home!

    Definitely send the Ice picks, cheese head hats with Cheese Heads themselves, hammers, and chunky apples to the GOPers. I don’t think they’ll ever “grow up.” So best hope is they will self-destruct.

    Thanx for the support.

  4. Frozen t-bone steaks make great weapons too. You can bash your neighbor’s skull in and then thaw out the meat for dinner. Bet you didn’t know about this because you never watched Columbo. 🙂

    • Thanx for reading, Oops …

      Suh-prize … suh-prize as Gomer Pyle would say! Indeed, I did watch Columbo, but like everything else in my past, I don’t remember specifics. I do remember his old car (Studebaker?), his wrinkled coat and his famous parting comment, “Oh … just one more question …”

      T-Bone worked back then … now one large enuf to conk someone would cost more than a gun! Just sayin’

    • Grover … Thanx for reading … I had a bit of fun with this one.

      The cheese reference came from Christopher Buckley’s laff riot, “Thank You for Smoking.”

      Appreciate your support …

  5. YADA,YADA,YADA,Don’t t badinage about the Green Bay fans like that! Have a little more respect for the intellect of Green Bay.I think it is very cheesy on your part !!
    Just because you spend Sunday at home reading your books, watering your plants and clipping your toe nails
    .Plus this sport is the only time Republicans and Dems are on the same page !!
    Loved it Richard !

    • Holt … Thanx for readin’ & commentin’ …

      “Badinage”… what a great word … but the GB fans deserve it … the only fans more outrageous are the Oakland Raider fans .. but only the GB fans are “owners” of the team!

      Please don’t tell anyone else that I clip my toenails on Sunday … it’s my private sacred event!

      And, you’re also right about Rs & Ds on the same page … maybe we should turn Congress into an NFL scrum … Oops, it already is one!

      Thanx for your support.

  6. Just to make your point, you might want to bash your head in with a hammer … Inane gun comments involving hammers + insanely funny insane blogger = death.

    Or perhaps try cleaning your ears with an ice pick … Inane gun comments involving (anything!) + insanely funny insane blogger + blogger wondering if his ears are clogged = death.

  7. Mike … Outrageous and hilarious … better than my Blog and more insane! Rock on, my man!

    Thanx for reading!

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