You Won’t Believe What’s Driving Us Crazy

Road rage may soon exist only in our rear view mirrors … a behavior we had to leave behind not because we’ve become a kinder gentler nation, but because we’ve been kicked out of the driver’s seat.

The future is here and it’s the auto-drive auto … and damned if we know what to do about it.

How will we maintain our addiction to vengeful and rewarding highway yell-fests?  Where will all our misplaced road rage go?

New Release!  Coming to Theaters Soon!  “Not Quite so Fast and Furious XXXVIII – Auto-Drive!”

Yep … auto-drive cars are coming soon to roads near you and the implications are giganto!

Job impact?  Upstart Uber who just got a foothold in the taxi industry may be kaput? What about all the useless chauffeurs and bus drivers?  BTW … with no Driver’s Ed, what course will high school football coaches teach?

We’ll have to reduce police forces by at least 10% … no more speed trap towns like Starke, Waldo and Yulee … Oops, up go the real estate taxes!

And what happens to all the liability lawyers?  Will Morgan and Morgan (and junior Morgans) be reduced to just “Morgan … for the People?”  Hey … If two driverless cars have an “accident,” did an “accident” actually occur?

For couples, the impact will be humongous!  Backseat driving will go the way of “how to squeeze the metal toothpaste tube” as a source of endless gender squabbles.

Who wants to nag a computer?  “Did you use your turn indicator?” will become a phrase that’s as dead as Latin.

The ramifications are endless.

But, as with all great innovations, there will be speed bumps along the way.  Rumor has it that the auto-car drives like your “grandmother.”  Oh, no not her!

Some of the test drivers got so bored with going the speed limit and slowing down before the last possible second that they actually went into “Driver Withdrawal.”

They reportedly missed tailgating and jumping the green light.  Without psychological support groups could they fall victim to hallucinating hellish highway scenes from Mel Gibson’s “Mad Max” movies?

Never fear … we can count on the youth of America.  It won’t be long before some tech-savvy teenager hacks the cars’ computers and creates a “rogue auto muscle car” on steroids.

Just sayin’.

14 thoughts on “You Won’t Believe What’s Driving Us Crazy

  1. Driverless cars? No way! Loud mufflers and ear-splittin’ radios and squealin’ rubber and tail-gatin’ and cuttin’ off that tortoise-drivin’ asshole in front of me – those are my god-given constitutional rights as much as packing heat in the glove compartment.

    BTW, Sir Richard: this is such a superb piece of writing with so many salient insights that I would urge you to consider publishing this in a car magazine, or somewhere…

    • I hear you … i flipped-off a guy about two weeks ago. My wife rolled her eyes and asked if I would ever “grow up.” I defiantly answered her with a “No.”

      Use of my blinker is still my option … the person behind me has the responsibility that my 5,000 lb Jeep is turning. Do you think you would miss an elephant turning in the savanna?

  2. LOL! But I ask you to tap the brakes just once or twice.

    Have you seen how our fellow Florida drivers drive? Or do you drive with Huss Blinders….a close relative of horse blinders?

    I’m pretty sure a Zoomba vacuum clear drives better and certainly more safely than most Floridians.

    But the main thing you forgot to mention the obvious! If the car drives itself, then rush hour is also HAPPY HOUR!

    That’s a change I could get into!

  3. Thanks for reading, Tom … Whenever I’m on 441 I feel like I’m in an amusement park’s bumper car rink. And, the Snow Birds be returning to Central Fla’s Capistrano!

    Yep … A Zoomba has a better chance at accident free driving than an “Auto Car.” Two accidents were reported by the “trial drivers” of the Auto-Cars. In both cases they were rear ended by “Driver-Cars.” Hmm … Imagine that!

    Great idea … first thing I’ll do is rip out the passenger seat and install a fridge-freezer that runs off the ex-ciggie lighter outlet. What a great idea … do you want a twist with that scotch on the rocks?

  4. Guess you already heard about the biggest award ever given on a riderless Winnebago owner that caused the caution about making a sandwich in the kitchen while the bagp ditched the woman?
    Fortunately for all no one was hurt, I guess.
    She was awarded a cool million, I say cool cause I work just on having no credit card debt
    It is years ago I heard this on NPR so check me out on the facts.
    How’s Bernie doing?

  5. Thanks for reading, Maggie … When we bought our Motor Home (have since sold it), we were told the Urban legend about the couple that set the “Cruise Control” then went to the kitchen to fix sandwiches … I’m sure people have done that because there’s no accounting for how dumb we can be as a species.

    Would be interesting to check on the safeguards in the new “auto-autos” to prohibit that situation.

    As for Bernie … I think he’s the one who’s going to be feeling “the Burn.” Just sayin’

  6. Thanx for reading, Vi … Yep … They’ll probably have to scrap that one.

    I do wonder what all the people who “handle the roads,” “feel the wheels,” “become one with their machine,” etc. are going to do.

    As I mentioned, the one big complaint from the test drivers was that it “drove” like their Grandmothers. I wonder if they’ll create a setting where you can go 6-8 mph over the speed limit.

    What good will “revving your engine do” when at a traffic light?

  7. I don’t want a driverless car. I want one that has signs I can turn on built into the rear windsheild! Here are a few: “Back off, Muffler Stuffer!”, “Still rushin’? Last thing you’ll hear is the nails in your coffin.” “NO! You may not pass on the double yellow on the hill. I am not drunk, just weaving to prevent your asininity.” “Warning: Driver impaired. Not sayin’ how.” “Where in hell you think you goin’, eh!?” and finally, “Beware dark green pickup trucks!” Awww, poo, here’s one more: “How ya likin’ my wheel spurs, eh? Wanna see ’em shoot darts?”

    • PMartha … Thanx for reading …

      WOW, Girl … you’ve taken verbal Road Rage to a totally high level. “Muffler Stuffer”… Rhyming “rushin’ & coffin”… And your vocabulary — “assininity” instead of “A-hole” assumes you have literate tailgaters and I’m not referring to home games for the Jax Jags.

      Wonder how some of the great satirists would have handled this one: Oscar Wilde, Swift even George Carlin?

      • Sometimes my verbal output in the car almost makes Ronnie lose control of the wheel. He just laughs and laughs. Hmm, who wrote Devil’s Dictionary: Alaister someone? He’d be good, but no one could out-do Oscar Wilde. What is it about these old faggots in Britain, anyhow? They are all so verbally brilliant. Maybe Freud was right? Sexual inversion? Go ahead, laugh your ass off now!!!

  8. Just think !!! Us guys’ won’t have to STOP and ask for directions .If you ask a”MAINER”, can you tell me how to get to ….. they will tell you “Yes I do know how to get here , but I doubt you could find where you want to go even if I gave you directions !!!
    So I hope your automated driver-less automobile doesn’t quit in Maine . If it does call a Hacker for roadside assistance . Best , Ron .

    • Ron … thanx for reading … I did stop in Maine and ask for directions, mostly just to see for myself if the “Maine Line Response” was accurate. he was an old guy so I concluded that there is a “Maine giving directions properly school” that all men have to attend once they’ve reached the age of 60 or so. It was perfection almost like a TV comedy routine.

      And, yes … Hackers will become our worst nightmare and an integral part of the AAA highway rescue response program.

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