Bacon Takes One Right in the Chops

“Bacon will kill you,” my friend said.  “No way,” I answered. “Way,” he insisted.

And that’s how I learned that I could be on death’s door because the WHO, who I thought lived in Whoville in Dr. Seuss books, has declared that bacon is a confirmed carcinogen.

This WHO turns out to be the World Health Organization … a global organization that sets health standards so those of us who insist on continuing along a suicidal health path, can plot exactly where we are on the road to self-destruction.

In the meantime, my wife, a disciplined bacon eater … you know the type – one piece maybe three times a year – just sits and smiles as I squirm and rant about the Cured Meat Police.

Aargh … Am I cut-off before I ever get to our local Waffle House for a bacon topped waffle slathered in maple syrup?  What a bummer.

But, the pigs, swine, and Porkys are not going down without an oink aimed at the WHO Police.

One day after the WHO’s declaration, the Porkys lobbed PR mortars at the research labs of the WHO.  They’ve been challenged to show a causal link between the 15 slices of bacon I dream about eating each week, and the threat of colon cancer.

Maybe the Porkys need to attend the Tobacco Military Tactics Academy located somewhere in tobacco country … North Carolina or Virginia.  They’ve been in this fight for a generation or two … one of the longest health wars on record.

How long will it be before the tobacco-like warning label appears on bacon packages?

So who, other than the pigs and religious groups who don’t eat pork, are the happy ones in this announcement?

That answer is, “Almost no one.”

The WHO is under attack for putting all ham, hotdogs, cold cuts, cured sausages, jerky and bacon on the endangered list.  Oscar Meyer immediately started looking for a buyout. The Chinese, who recently bought that American icon Smithfield Hams, are now crying “Fowl.”

Will the Hormel Black Label Bacon Fest, held annually in San Diego, become as extinct as Entelodont Terminator Pig ribs at Hooters?

Bacon has replaced Apple Pie as the All-American dish and Bacon Eaters from coast-to-coast are not going to take this “loin-ing” down.

It won’t be a picnic for WHO.  The Bacon Eaters have put their porky shoulders, hammy butts, and pickled feet to the task of pushing back this assault on their freedom to do themselves in.

Just sayin’.

17 thoughts on “Bacon Takes One Right in the Chops

  1. That bacon is bad for people is not news. It was an accepted fact for many years, faded from popularity and then somebody launched a massive PR campaign and it was back with a vengeance. But, as you said, people have a right to chose this poison.

    • You’re right, Gail … A few years ago the pork sales were in the tank and the Pork People launched a massive campaign that dwarfed the Beef People expenditures and pork sales all boomed … led by bacon!

      The research that makes the “links” (aargh — another pun) to various cancers and “cured” meats, however, is relatively new. It’s not just bacon that’ll do us in but all the “processed” meats. There go the Baloney sandwiches in kids’ lunch boxes!

      “Cured” is a happy healthy word … I’ve been cured! Unless, of course, you’re a piece of meat! Thanks for reading my stuff.

  2. Silly Richard! You’re listening to the wrong WHO. Try the one with Roger Daltry and friends.

    You Won’t Get Fooled Again! So go ahead and grab somehing Meaty, Beaty, Big & Bouncy, hop on the nearest Magic Bus. If anyone gives ya any grief, just tell ’em you’re with Tommy and start looking for a Pinball Wizard!

    • Hey Tom … Thanks for reading.

      Didn’t know you were Bus Driver, and a writer and a dispenser of sound dietary advice as well as a Pinball Wizard. I used to be pretty good on the pinball machine until a pissed off Florida Black Bear ate my thumbs … he thought I was a crazed Home Boy Hunter.

      Here’s to a rasher of bacon on that rare 1/2 pound cheese burger slathered with mayo you’re getting for lunch today! Oh … and have a beer or two to wash down those fries. Live on the dietary cutting edge and go out with a scream of glee! Just sayin’.

  3. Clever Richard ! If you listen to the WHO and leave off the pig , cow , and (Freddie ) Mercury in fish , and refrain from wheat , corn , cake and bread , and the good things that you love and enjoy , you will be lying in your hospital bed dying of NOTHING !!! but starvation . The QUEEN was a better noise than Tommy and the WHO .
    “M” and I just finished Bacon Eggs and Pancakes . Fat is poison…. Yummy !!!

    • Thanks for reading my stuff, Ron …

      I’ll never forget a funeral I attended and the widow said, “If I’d know he was gonna die so young, I’d let him have more French fries.” And there’s Mickey Mantle’s quote, “If I’d known I was gonna live this long, I’d taken better care of myself.”

      Either way, the common denominator is we all die.

      Yep … it seems to me that all the food that’s bad for us is the food that tastes the best. Conspiracy?

  4. For years my beautiful wife Debra would threaten to tell me what they infused in hot dogs if I did not shut up! And because of this I lost a lot of battles through the years.
    Well, after listening to NPR I’m finished. Along with anus, snout and other pig parts it turns out that they have found human DNA in my favorite food. I do not know how this is possible and maybe it is BS, but for this reason “I’m out”.
    As for bacon I will follow Mari’s format. I will not be losing my battles with Debra any more now that I know.

    • Hey, Holt … Thanks for reading my stuff

      I heard that about the human DNA found in hot dogs. I figured it was finger parts from the folks who run the grinders. Hey, what’s a little human meat, cartilage and knuckles in your hot dog? You bury it in sugar, fat and chemicals and put it in a crappy white bread bun anyway. So why waste good meat.

      Yep on Mari’s philosophy … a bit of a bad thing won’t kill me (hopefully). So tonight I’m gonna have a bit ‘o’ bacon, vodka, French fries, fried chicken, ice cream and a bit more vodka.

  5. I’m glad I live in Wisconsin where we have Non-Cured Bratwurst. But I guess it becomes cancerous when it’s cooked to a charcoal state – Darn It.
    How can we have a picnic without a “picnic ham”. And what will happen to all of the Boy Scout troops if they can’t go out and camp in the woods and have Hot Dogs for supper over their camp fires.

    • Michael … Thanks for reading and commenting…

      First thing I thought when I heard about the bacon & other “cured” meats was, “I still got my liverwurst.” But then, organ meat and fat and preservatives are basically what comprises liverwurst. So, I guess I’ll still savor one a year and leave it at that.

      Love the “picnic” ham reference. I bet most scouts nowadays have veggie dogs around the old campfire! Or Vegan Marshmallows!

  6. Thanks for reading my stuff, Ron …

    I’ll never forget a funeral I attended and the widow said, “If I’d know he was gonna die so young, I’d let him have more French fries.” And there’s Mickey Mantle’s quote, “If I’d known I was gonna live this long, I’d taken better care of myself.”

    Either way, the common denominator is we all die.

    Yep … it seems to me that all the food that’s bad for us is the food that tastes the best. Conspiracy?

  7. Richard, this is disastrous. In my kitchen, most recipes improve by adding a little bacon, or in the case of “Grandma’s Down Home Green Beans”, a heaping tablespoon of bacon grease. And how do you make a decent German Potato Salad or Spinach Salad without bacon? It’s like hot dogs without mustard. Damn…did I say hot dogs? I can’t imagine a picnic or baseball game without a hot dog. I know, I know… it’s usually rubbery and cold, but it’s tradition for God’s sake.

    Baseball, hot dogs and apple pie. Life as we know it will never be the same.

    • Vi … No truer words were ever spoken: “Life as we know it…” But, I bet generations before us uttered the same phrase.

      As for bacon, I remember the Maxwell House coffee can on the stove where Dad poured the bacon grease after every breakfast. If we needed “butter,” we just scooped the bacon grease out and used that.

      As for hot dogs … It’s not like we’re eating several HDs each week. Gimme a break here.

      I played baseball love hot dogs and hate apple pie. A great waste of apples!

      Thanks for reading my stuff!

  8. Waaaaaay back when the nitrates and nitrites thing began, I knew a great old man who was a member of MENSA, traveled the world in his old age, and, of all things, was the inventer of Napalm. (Not lying here!) He told me that a researcher he respected a lot, a German, had figured out that eating tomatoes a lot will prevent colon cancer, despite almost anything you eat. Since I was a non-meat-eater in those days, I just stored away the info for perhaps later.
    Then I married a Scotsman!!! Oh God, within three months the dude has ruined my 26 inch waistline. Breakfast was bacon, lots of it, preferably Danish, black pudding (that’s coagulated blood in intentine tissue, folks), white puddin’ (that’s all the lard and some fruit and stuff in intenstine tissue, at least two eggs, cooked in butter or bacon fat or both, white buns from the bakery that morning slathered with Irish butter, or, if you prefer, the fabulous British sliced white bread called Toastee, and topped with marmalade, too. The final touch? At least one whole tomato, cut in half, and grilled along with the meats. To this day, this little man, who isn’t very fat at all, can down meals like that, always with tomatoes. He eats tomatoes three times a day usually, and that means 3/4 of one on his Boars Head meats and cheeses sandwiches! Even his banana sandwich is slathered with butter! EAT TOMATOES and long may your chimneys reek, as they say in Bonnie Scotland!!

  9. PMartha … Thanks for reading and yes, I think there’s a very good chance my chimney will reek for years to come.

    Though I do not have the diet of your live-in Scots-hubby, I do have tomatoes at all three of my daily meals. And, large tomatoes sliced in half, broiled with salt/pepper, a bit of EVOO and dried herbs is one of our favorite veggie sides.

    The healthy nature of tomatoes is a known factor … now if we could just extra crispy deep fry thinly sliced tomato rings to go with a rare bacon-cheese burger …

  10. Hi Marian … Thanks for reading my stuff.

    Yes, I have and love fried green tomatoes as a food, as a book and as a movie! (Sounds Dr. “Suess-ey”)

    It’s just that I don’t have them as a topping on my very rare (in terms of frequency) indulgence of a rare bacon cheese burger … I was substituting “killer bacon” for thin sliced and flash fried tomato rings hoping I could have a rare, cheese burger (which is enuf of a killer in and of itself) if I topped it with a new “health food!” But I bet using green tomato rings night even be better.

    I’ll keep you posted and if the idea becomes a rage, you’re in for 25% of my profits. How’s that!

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