The GOP Primary … You Are What You Eat

More trouble in the GOP’s “Race-to-the-Bottom” Presidential Primary …

As if sorting through racial slurs, xenophobic rhetoric and opponent bashing weren’t enough, now some Bozos have analyzed the field’s diet and personal health habits.

Talk about confusing the situation … this takes the cake … Arrgh, who said that?

When asked about his personal health and diet, The Donald first blustered that …


he was in perfect health and the voters would just have to take his word for it.

“Trust me.”

But then relenting three hours later, he tweeted that his doctor would issue a full report … “It will show perfection.”

Trump declared that he’s a meat and potatoes guy … no surprise there.  The meat’s steak … well done.  The veggies are French fries, making him the “real man” his base demands.

Then you got the Doc … Ben Carson, a vegetarian endorsed by a vegetarian GOP group.  Long live frozen peas and carrots!

Some of us think Ben’s only chance will be to register farm animals to vote.  It’s rumored they all love him.  You can bet Carson won’t win the endorsement of the Beef Association … or the pork belly bacon folks or rabbit raisers … much less the sheep f**kers and chicken pluckers.

The heavy weight in the contest is Chris “Jersey-Mad-Dog” Christie.  He still looks like the “Round Mound Man,” even after his lap-band surgery and loss of over 100 pounds.  I’m sorry, but the man must have a hot and heavy love affair with pizza and pasta.

The Right Reverend Huckabee has two “food books” under his belt (aargh again!) … the 2005 “Quit Digging Your Grave with a Knife and Fork,” and his most recent, “God, Guns, Grits and Gravy.”  He’s also the guy known for frying up squirrel in his popcorn popper.  What class!

And who can forget Ted “They-Really-Do-Hate-Me-in-the-Senate” Cruz.  His favorite is bacon fried on the red hot barrel of an AK47 as he smokes a silhouette target of a Jihadist, then un-wraps his pig-fat strip and slurps it down.

But … the most serious guy about this health and diet issue is the bland man … JEB!

Rumor has it he’s lost 40 pounds, but not gained 40 percentage points, while on Paleo.  The Paleo, AKA “the rich guy’s diet,” is an expensive way to lose weight. Don’t fret … Barbara’s boy can afford it.

But … screw all this comparative diet crap.

While slogging through the primaries, all were spotted chomping pork chops on a stick, fried dough thingies, bacon wrapped anything, and whatever was cold, dripping down the sides of a cone.

With no clear winner, I guess they’ll just eat their way into the voters’ hearts.

Just sayin’.

17 thoughts on “The GOP Primary … You Are What You Eat

  1. Interesting tidbits, Richard, but I think there’s a major gap in your research!

    What I want to know is whether any of the current crop of (Republican) candidates are gluten-free, GMO-free, 100% organic and, most importantly, can we just pop ’em in the microwave and move on?

    • Thanks for reading my stuff, Tom … What a great image: A Poppin’ fresh GOP biscuit … but I think they have to be pooped into the oven, not the microwave.

      One can only wish!

      • Freud would have a field day with you, or at least he might pooh-pooh your comments 😉

        • Arrgh … I love to be able to blame “Spellcheck.” Once again I scream out as the “victim.”

          Freud be damned … loved your comment and the fact that you read it all!

  2. They may not be gluten free but they sure are not free of Teabillie bullsh-t. They all discuss me !
    It ‘s insulting to ones intelligence to think that people actually want one of these buffoons as the leader of this great country!

    • Hey Holt … Thanks for reading …

      I’m reminded that 50% of our population is below average intelligence … Hey. it’s only normal.

      We just need to make sure the thinking population turns out to vote and doesn’t sit back in America’s great La-Z-Boys and not get involved.

      We’ve had buffoons running before and will have them after this race … just make sure we don’t elect one.

  3. hilarious. thank you for relieving the grim reality of current political theater by turning it into comedy!

    • Thanks for reading my stuff, Jeanne … It is so absurd, you have to laff at it … or go stick pins & needles in your eyes.

      I prefer laughter … until next week before absurdity strikes again …

  4. PMartha … Thanks for reading my stuff …

    You may not have to be “rich,” but the Paleo Diet does require more money sine you eliminate all the processed foods and concentrate on fresh/wild fish and high protein lean meats.

    But … I’m sure when compared to all the diet “clubs” with fees and pre-pared meals, delivered to your door, Paleo is much less expensive.

    Thanx for all your support …

  5. RE: Huckabee and his books … maybe that’s the new way to get published:

    1 – Get ordained as a minister (easily done on-line)

    2 – Arrange for some face time with anyone who is on TV for their wacko ideas (while they are on TV, of course)

    3 – Run for President

    4 – Announce the huge advance for your “cookbook” – Guns, Butter, Garlic and Other Tasty Morsels

    5 – Announce your sequel book – “More Guns with Chickens”

    6 – Prepare for your TV hosting job on Fox, or The Blaze, or maybe Al Jazeera

    • Hilarious, Mike … Food Network is a good bet for his next major cooking show: “Political Stew for the 1%” or Mike Huckabee’s famous “How to Slow Roast a Democrat and Keep the Skin Crispy.”

      I think it was Eye of the Newt who said publicly, I paraphrase, “the best way to promote yourself, your publications and get speaking engagements is to campaign for president of the US.”

      Thanks for your support

  6. Don’t these potential candidates just scare the living shit out of you? Yeah, I know, “…. well, he couldn’t actually get elected…”
    But I live in a state where “he couldn’t get elected” – but did – ax-handle bearing, “what we need is a better class of prisoners”” Lester Maddox was elected Governor – for two terms!! In a rare fit of impartiality and fairness on my part, I will admit he turned out to be one of the better education governors. I think he realized how much we/he needed it. GO DAWGS

  7. Jim … Thanx for reading my stuff …
    1) Yeah … they do scare the shit outta me … mostly it’s how little they know about the intricacies of governing, the constitution and what actually is legal. Their rhetoric is bombastic but it’s just rhetoric.
    2) Aaah … Lester … it’s a shame he was one of the better governors in GA …. makes you wonder if the bar has been set too low. Glad he did some “good” for education … must have been a money issue at a time when there was money available.

    Thanks for your support …

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