The Wise Guys and the Baby: A Fractured Xmas Fable

In the beginning, there was imagination.

There were also people.  Though they weren’t college educated or high school graduates, they had an incredible talent for telling stories.

One of their faves was told on long winter nights about a kid born to save all people from starvation, pestilence (There was no CDC at the time.) and to bring peace to all the peoples of the earth (Though they also didn’t know s**t about earth.).

There were three guys who rode camels, not limos or even freight trains, across deserts, rivers, mountains … night and day … hundreds of miles following an effing star to find this kid who was going to save the world.


They were called “The Wise Men,” although they exhibited incredible stupidity to embark on such a trek astride god awful smelling camels.  But, if they’ed been called the “Three F**cking Stupid Guys,” how would that advance the story?

Their names didn’t help.  They weren’t Louie “The Screw” Campoto, Georgie “Cement Feet” Gambolo or Frankie “Pay Me Now” Fugilio.  Nope.  They were Melchior, Caspar and Balthazar.

But they persevered and followed that star.

Didn’t ask questions like, “WTF are we doing?”  Or “WTF are you bringing for the kid?”

They just rocked along on their desert ships until they reached Bethlehem.

They checked the only inn in town and the night clerk told them that he sent the family to the stable.  On the way to the manger, Melchior asked Balthazar, “You got the gold?”

“Gold?  I don’t got any gold.  Caspar, what you bringing?”

Caspar looked at the other two and said, “I got that crappy, syrupy sweet smelling stuff … frankincense.”

Melchior chuckled and said, “Naw … I got the gold.  I was just f**kin’ with you guys.  You think I’d forget the gold?”

Balthazar replied, “Gold?  You got gold?  All I got is myrrh … the s**t they use on dead bodies.  You got gold?”

Balthazar and Caspar stared at each other … dollar signs in their eyes.  And that dear friends, is how Xmas greed was introduced into the season.  Melchior arrived solo at the stable a bit bruised and worse for wear, bearing frankincense and myrrh… but minus the gold.

Balthazar and Caspar … Well, they were seen hightailing it across the desert … Balthazar headed to Sodom and Caspar to Gomorrah, their saddle bags bulging with gold.

But all did not end well.  They ended up broke, Caspar with “Gomorrahrea” and Balthazar with “Sodomosis.”

Moral of the story:  “An ass is but an ass, though laden with gold” – Romanian Proverb

Just sayin’.

17 thoughts on “The Wise Guys and the Baby: A Fractured Xmas Fable

    • KMB … Thanx for reading … I appreciate your support … “Brilliant?” Pretty damn good, but I’m not sure about brilliant … though I appreciate your assessment.

      Have a great Xmas.

  1. Holy Frijoles, Huss-man! Who knew?

    I guess all that time you’ve spent with ancient Sanskrit tablets, ancient hieroglyphic tablets and that bottle of tablets Timothy Leary sent ya back in 1962 is (finally?) paying off! BRAVO!

    The local GodSquad up there in Mt. Adorable may not cotten to your concept but it cracked me up.

    Be careful, though. The Sturgeon General, (AKA: the big fish of the medical world), may soon require a warning label on future columns!

    I can see it now. Warning: The contents of this blog are truly serious absurd and may cause moans, groans and fractured funny bones, too.

    • Holy Smoke, (as in Vatican smoke) Tom …

      I didn’t know you were familiar with the works of Leary.

      Thanks for reading … and I trust your Xmas will be merry and bright … or at least very liquid!

  2. Virginia closed schools when a teacher asked students to try their hand at Islamic calligraphy, wonder what would happen if this story were told to the little kiddies? Hint: they might crucify you upside down.

    • Thanks for reading, Oops …

      Everyone knows that practicing the art of caligraphy is one of the “dark arts … they use black ink, you know!

      Upside down? Can I opt for water boarding instead? just askin’ …

      Thanks for your support and may your Xmas stocking be filled with ‘Buie.

  3. Michael … Thanx for your support … Yep, ya found me out … I’ve poured over the Scrolls, the parchments, the clay tablets, the first Gutenberg bible and several stray copies of the Gideons …

    So, yep, I’ve got a handle on all the tall tales in the bible … though I do think Uncle Remus and Brer Rabbit is a better read.

  4. I thought that was past of the scriptures… Disney 21:21 ???

    ” An old black man with a beard and a rabbit walked into a bar…….” or something like that!

    • Aha … Disney 21:21 … a yet undiscovered set of New Testament stories just waiting to be made into movies with talking penguins, mermaids and characters “woodies.”

      May the pagan spirits of rural New York bless you, my man.

  5. So glad you weren’t around when Jesus was born, then the story would have had three wise men and one wise ass!

    Of course, I am also glad that the GOP wasn’t around, ’cause I have no idea how to weave in the clown car.

    • Michael … Thanks for reading and commenting.

      You’re right … there’s always at least one wise ass in a biblical story … either riding or being ridden.

      It’s just a good thing that the three wise guys did not arrive in a GOP Clown Car.

      Merry Xmas … and may 2016 be filled with wonder and awe for you.

  6. Hi Richard,
    Fun read–thanks!
    But I think the true miracle of the season is that the 3 (pronounced “tree” here in NY) wise guys got there without a GPS, didn’t tweet every 5 seconds, and that they even knew about the event pre-social media. Do you think they took selfies?
    Happy Solstice from your pagan friend

    • Hi Nancy … thanks for reading my stuff …

      It takes a Pagan to enjoy reading a fractured Xmas fable … The “tree” wise guys appreciate your support.

      Merry Xmas and Happy Solstice … the days are already getting longer …

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