For years I stood in front of the guillotine of New Year’s Resolutions before I finally learned that the primary purpose of resolutions is to make you feel guiltier than sneak-gulping Krispy Kremes in your closet at midnight.
Show me a resolution and I’ll show you a long-faced person feeling the full weight of disgust, disappointment and self-loathing, who two or three weeks earlier uttered, “I resolve to ….”
That’s why I’ve decided to surround myself, wherever I am, in a Resolution Free Zone. A no anxiety bubble. A zone where the air is pure, the breezes soft, the emotions mellow … and I’m not stoned.
I’ll be hogtied and dragged across the prairie before I make another New Year’s Resolution.
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I hereby resolve that I will not resolve to: lose any weight, drink less, start smoking, stop driving over 25 mph in a 25 mph zone, start shaving every day, stop belching and/or farting, read that book I couldn’t finish which everyone else has read, stop craving a bacon cheese burger slathered in mayo with a cold beer and French fries, hot-hot from the deep fryer.
I won’t break the habit of deriding myself with diabolical and vulgar names when I do the next and next and next stupid thing(s) in my life.
I won’t resolve that I’ll remember your birthday unless it’s in my E-Card file with automatic reminders, and I happen to look at that email before your birthday. Face Book has saved me from a lot of near misses in 2015, but there’s a distinct chance of a miss in 2016.
I further do not resolve to keep a running tally of any of my non-resolutions that I have either broken or maintained beyond next week.
Actually, I wonder if I keep a non-resolution does it create a “backdoor resolution,” and therefore, by resolving to not keep any resolutions I’m making resolutions?
No wonder I feel guilty. It’s reported that 88 per cent of Americans still make resolutions in spite of the fact that they only have a 20 per cent success rate at keeping their resolutions.
Twenty per cent? No effing way. You gotta be kidding me.
Sounds like a lot of face-saving delusional self-reporting to me.
Just sayin’.
For a short but decidedly not sweet fictional take on the dangers of New Year’s Resolutions, check out my story, “I Resolve” by clicking on Flash Fiction in the menu.
A wise and – dare I say it – RESOLUTE decision. Kudos to you…..and I don’t mean a herd of the the large, spiral-horned antelope found on the plains of East Africa.
Thanks Tom … And for sure Kudos are making a comeback since that asshole dentist killed our lovely Cecil and the bottom dropped out of the “safari biz.”
I resolve to appreciate your support …
Me too!
Hay Gail … thanx for reading and continuing your support … Glad I could simplify resolution making for you …
Dear Richard,
Reading you well written piece of New Years resolution only made me hungrier than I already was.Thanks for the extra pounds !
hey Holt … Those damn sneaky Krispy Kremes will sneak up on you in the dead of night, jump on your tongue and giggle all the way down to your tummy … added pounds free of charge!
Thanks for reading my stuff … Happy New Year.
I make the same one every year: Give up something for Lent. 40 days is a lot easier than 365!
An easy one, if you really must have a 365 resolution is to give up fish on Sundays. Did you ever eat any fish that was bought on a Sunday, not fresh caught? If you did, you’ll understand how easy it is to keep this one, even in Florida, even at Publix!!
PMartha… you’re one smart cookie … Lent shall be my focus for a resolution to not make a resolution for only 40 days … Whew! That’s a lot easier …
As for Sunday fish … unless we caught it ourselves out of Biscayne Bay on Sunday afternoon, we did not eat it … Sunday fish market fish is at least 3 days old!
Thanks for reading my stuff …
I resolve if I win the lottery this Wednesday I will donate a dollar to every republican running for president. I will also donate 2 dollars to all the republican candidates who drop out by the first republican presidents birthday. The rest I will give to my favorite Publix bagger.
Hey Ken … Sure do miss your little wise ass at Publix … The place ain’t nearly as much fun without you.
Since we both missed the Lottery, I don’t have to answer your clever comment …
Don’t forget to vote Democratic and often!
and you know how it feels to sneak-gulp Krispy Kreems in the cleat at midnight because…
Jeanne … thanx for reading my stuff … I’m an expert at the “sneak-gulp.” I however had trouble keeping it off the pants and suit jackets in my closet (back when i owned and wore suits …ugh!).
I appreciate your support …
Ah yes, the no-resolution resolution. That could be the key to happiness.