Finally … A Reason to Watch the Stupor Bowl!

It’s Stupor Bowl Sunday and I’m damn stoked.

Twenty weeks of bone crushing, body abusing, concussive collisions brings us to one of the least watched and most partied events of the year.

Woo hoo!

There will be more nachos eaten, beer drunk, liquor consumed, chicken wings dipped and DUI’s issued than on any other day or night this year.

Congress may as well declare Stupor Bowl Monday a paid national holiday because the vast majority of people will be home nursing “party-ache-overs.”

This year’s Stupor Bowl will be more “Stupor-tant” than ever!  Who cares about Peyton, “Super” Cam Newton, the commercials or the parties?

There’s only one reason to tune into Stupor Bowl 50.  And that’s….


….To witness the unveiling of the new not deceased Colonel Harland Sanders lV.

You’re probably not surprised that I sent some unsolicited nominees to Yum! Brands for consideration.

Lobbying for a more cosmopolitan Colonel rather than the stodgy outdated white-suited farty old man we’ve tolerated for 50+ years, my first nominee was that prideful southern gentleman, Colonel Rhett Butler.

He gazes straight into the cameras and says, “Frankly, my dear chicken eaters … Aah, don’t give a damn!”

For youth appeal, I offered up a “Beiber Colonel.”  He pops out of his white-on-white Ferrari decked out in all white … skin-tight satin tee, leather pants with protuberance, paten leather boots … he pauses, licks his fingers and whispers, “Still, finger lickin’ good!”

In a salute to American diversity, I suggested that the “Yummys!” go for a “Colonel-of-Color.”  In line for the new role would be Rocker-Rapper Ice-T or Oscar snubbed Will Smith. Smith would be most regal in the Colonel’s whiteness.

And not to be sexist, I submitted a name for a female Colonel.  I can see Colonel-esque costumed Lady Gaga – KFC bucket clutched against body, leaping from car hood to car hood in spiked-heel boots clambering into her metallic white Humvee as she spins out of the parking lot into the dark of night singing, “I’m gonna have drumstick tonight, a drumstick tonight I know.” giving the Eagles a “Heartache Tonight” as she butchers their chicken-free classic.

Haven’t heard a peep from the Yummys.  They’re probably considering my ideas for the Final Four in March.

Just sayin’ …

9 thoughts on “Finally … A Reason to Watch the Stupor Bowl!

  1. Think Lady Gaga is singing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl tonight. Maybe as an audition she could break into a few bars of Colonel Sanders??

    • Hey Karen … thanks for checking in.

      Did not know Lady Gaga was doing the Nat’l Anthem … Wow, what a risk for the NFL to take. She must have signed some sorta “decency pledge.” Hope she comes out wearing a red-white-blue spray painted USA flag.

      The only “bars she’ll be breaking into” will be “with” The Colonel, not “of ” the Colonel. Thanx for readin’

  2. Be careful what ya ask for, Herr Huss!

    Without KFC, thousands of cardiology jobs nationwide would disappear. Anti-cholesterol drug makers would swell the ranks of the unemployed faster than another congressional appearance by Martin Shkreli!

    After all, no one this planet can inject artery-clogging chicken fat into our circulatory systems faster than a white-suited Kentucky colonel…..

  3. Hey Tom … thanks for reading …

    You’re absolutely right … It’s that damnable “Law of Unintended Consequences.” Cardiologists could practice as vets since almost all pet food is backed with corn and grains. Drug makers would make great street corner drug pushers … I hear the money’s great.

    I should offered up Rand Paul, a real “Kentucky-ian” for the Colonel’s job … damn, missed again!

  4. Hey a nice, timely post there, Richard. Now I know that you don’t like to discuss anything political, but …

    Do you think Yum! donated “anonymously” donated to the latest Bush campaign with the condition the campaign used “Jeb!”???

  5. Hey Mike … thanks for readin’ …

    It’s all about generating excitement and you’re probably in a bad way if the “!” is all you got to generate with. Jeb! probably gave a speech to Yum! Brands for cash … we need to get the substance of that speech … you talk, they pay we get to know what you said!

    Thanks …

  6. I adore Gaga, but best visual picture is the Bieber. And besides, now i know the answer to “What’s a Bieber?” Answer: A Slick White Prick! Whole thing made me hungry. No KFC in the boonies.

  7. Hey PMartha … Thanks for your support …

    Gaga really killed ’em with the Nat’l Anthem at the Stupor Bowl … Wow. Too bad no KFC in the ‘hood for you & Ron to enjoy. Google it and I’ll bet you find one closer than you realize … Remember, woman cannot live on bread alone, she must seek and find a KFC!

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