The “Will you be Mine?” Whine

Aaargh … I just realized it’s February.

I swear every month is infested with a holiday, celebration, “important date,” or at least a trademarked Hallmark Moment.

What’s a guy to do?

This time I’m zeroed in on that half-naked, diapered, winged, flying cherub with his little bow and arrow which, if rumors are true, when you’re punctured by said arrow you tumble down the rabbit hole of eternal love.

He’s Eros if you’re Greek … Cupid if you’re Roman.  Either way, that chubby little “mother” is the mother lode for all things Hallmark …  a corporate goldmine for The Dreaded Valentine’s Day.


Pricked by the “arrow of love,” you suffer through that one night when you pretend to enjoy some of the worst food and most crowded restaurants of the entire year.

You buy outrageously priced truffles that taste as bad as the original box of chocolates offered up in “Forest Gump.”

And you probably spring for a dozen roses that will resemble a death bouquet in a Nanosecond and which, in any other month, would’ve cost you half as much.

From whence cometh this day of horror?

Most of our celebrations worth a damn started with the Pagans.  You just gotta love those body painting, crazy, fornicating drunks.  They knew a good time!

And ladies, if you think your guy was not very creative this V-Day, just be glad you’re not celebrating Lupercalia, a Pagan fertility festival that took place between February 13-15 … which would be the 14th.

Lupercalia involved killing a goat, stripping its skin and whipping the women with it to increase their fertility.

If that wasn’t enough, the Pagan men played a version of “throw the chariot keys in the middle of the room,” by putting the names of the town’s women in a huge urn and drawing names for their “V-Day mate” for the year.

Thank god the Christians took over from those over-sexed Pagans when a Fifth Century Papal Declaration established February 14th as St. Valentine’s Day.

Geoff Chaucer and the Wet ‘n’ Wild Willie Shakespeare allegedly inserted “romance” into this infamous day.

Corporate America cashed in on the love fest in 1913 with Hallmark’s first Valentine’s Day card … and it’s been off to the bank ever since.

Now we’re stuck … unless you want to live in Saudi Arabia where the holiday has been outlawed as yet another Infidel attack on the Saudis’ virtue.

Just sayin’.


18 thoughts on “The “Will you be Mine?” Whine

  1. Ye gads, Richard! Methinks thou art on thin-ish ice here!

    Granted, this being Florida, that’s about the only kind of ice we ever see down here except, of course, for the cubes in our cocktails…but were I you, I wouldn’t wait until March…I’d “beware the ides” of February…or Feb. 15!

    After all, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned…and while what you say about the lifespan of red roses around Valentine’s Day may well be true, woe to the man who bringeth not his sweetie flowers this day for she may feel scorned and plunge a steak knife into his ribs tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow!

    Forget having a conscience. The thought of not NOT plying our mates with the all flowers and cards and dinners than convention now demands doth make cowards of us all…but at least we get to live another day WITHOUT serrated pieces of cutlery in our sides!

    • Aaaah, my Medieval friend Tom … Me thinks you are a bit of a rogue when it comes to the truth of VDay. Surely a cynic sarcastic critic like you can see the faux love expressed on this day.

      How far will a man go to get l**d … probably about five miles or so is my quesstimate. Or at least a few chocolates, posies and a bottle of cheap red wine. We are cads clothed in cads’ clothing!

      Fess up, my man! But … thanks for reading and all your support … albeit a bit misguided. OUCH … pulling out that last steak knife hurt a bit!

  2. I’m a crazy fornicating drunk, as Richard knows from reading my memoir, and now I have to slop body paint on me too? And goat-whippin’? I only keep sheep in my backyard, for reasons I won’t mention – will lamb-choppin’ stimulate ovulation like a goat does, maybe in a youngin’?

    • Thanks for reading Oops … a lamb chop properly placed on a young damsel who has been plied with red wine, chocolates, flowers and sweet talk might work. But, and this is a big “butt” … only if her “plier” is suitably painted, and pagan-esque enough to attract her (You do have to smell good and comb your hair.)

      Keep the memoirs coming … in spite of what you think, you’re an interesting dude!

  3. And, what’s worse, according to This Day in History:

    “Under the rule of Claudius the Cruel, Rome was involved in many unpopular and bloody campaigns. The emperor had to maintain a strong army, but was having a difficult time getting soldiers to join his military leagues. Claudius believed that Roman men were unwilling to join the army because of their strong attachment to their wives and families.

    “To get rid of the problem, Claudius banned all marriages and engagements in Rome. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret.

    “When Valentine’s actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death. Valentine was arrested and dragged before the Prefect of Rome, who condemned him to be beaten to death with clubs and to have his head cut off. The sentence was carried out on February 14, on or about the year 270.”

    So we’re actually celebrating Valentine’s execution. Not so romantic, is it?

    • Joy … Thanks for reading … Ouch … clubbed to death and then beheaded … guess old Claude ll wanted to make damn sure the Val didn’t make a come back!

      It just shows you that rulers cannot ban marriages … of any kind … do you think we will learn?

  4. What I love most are my heart-shaped cake pans from Scotland. And it’s an excuse to break my lo-carb diet! The one who really loves it is Ron, my hubby–he was a war-ration kid until he was eleven, and that collection of chocs I buy him puts him in a tolerable mood for another year!

    • PMartha … Thanks for your support… chocolates are always a treat … don’t need a holiday for sweets.

      Thanks for reading my stuff and your support …

  5. Oh, Richard, complaining about only having to celebrate one day of horror…St. Valentine’s day, when there are several other St. Valentines in the Catholic list of saints whose saints days we ought to celebrate with the same practices of dinner, flowers, cards, candy, and kisses.

    November 3 St. Valentine of Viterbo
    January 3 St. Valentine of Raetia
    July 25 St. Valentina (a virgin who was martyred)

    As a true romantic who even makes valentine cakes and cookies in the shape of hearts, I think you are definitely treading on very thin ice! ♥♥♥♥♥♥ xxx ooo

    • GL … Thanks for reading my stuff and for your support.

      Those RCs sure do have a lotta Saints! Didn’t realize there was more than one St. Val. However, it seems to cheapen our Hallmark event for Val.

      I could be in a worse situation … Those crazy South Koreans have a declared show your love day the 14th of each month! Now that’s real Retail Therapy! Starts with 1/14 and National Diary Day … to log in all your love notes. Ends on Dec 14th on “Hug Day.” After a year of love, my guess is they only have the strength for a hug in month number 12.

      Ya gotta love the Moonies!

  6. Thanks, Richard, for another absurdly educational rant. I love those Pagans, although the goatskin thing sounds messy, but hey! Love hurts!

    • Hey Jeanne … Thanks for commenting …

      Yep … Lupercalla sounds like a real fun first date … sure beats groping at the drive-in theater slapping at skeeters!

      Can’t wait to get to St. Paddy Wagon’s Day!

    • Thanks for reading my stuff, Kay …

      Yes, but let it not be a box of Whitman Samplers.

      It best be a box of deluxe Brach;s chocolate cherries … the super sweet maraschino cherries with the the syrup that squirts outta your mouth when you crunch down on a whole Brach-in-the-mouth! that’s true love! Oh … and a bottle of Mateus!

      Thanks for commenting.

  7. Where is Professor Peabody, Sherman and the Wayback Machine when you need it most, eh? Surely a trip to Hallmark in 1912 would be in order …

    Today’s post will stand as Exhibit A in your defense if (when??) someone tries to call the straightjacket team and have you committed. Why? Because as someone who defies as many societal norms as you do (sometimes insanely so, only a sane person can recognize where the boundaries lie. Well Done!

  8. Wowza, Mike … You’re the only guy I know that remembers Peabody, Sherman & the Wayback machine! You are the true Trivia Geek!

    It’s clear that I know no boundaries … except for the really big bad things … like peeing in public.

    Wonder who did the first VDay card for Hallmark? Sure hope they gave him a bonus for the year … maybe $5 cash.

    Thanks for reading and your support.

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