When is a Foot not a Foot?

Americans love a good fight.  We fight each other and other countries.  We fight at beer parties, Palin family parties and in political parties.  We’ll fight over infinitesimal issues, world-wide issues, or no issues.

The sad “Trumpian” fact is … we love to brawl.

You might think our best fighters are the MMA guys and gals, pro-boxers or even the entertainment kings and queens of the WWE.

If you thought that, you’d be so wrong.

No one compares to those rabid Jack Russells of infighting … our Warriors of the Law.  Lawyers are voracious.  They latch onto unsuspecting victims and shake the bejesus out of them until their brains and  money crash to the ground.

And thanks to our “crack” lawyers, we now know that a foot is not a foot if it’s …


… a Subway sandwich.

OMG … not Subway again.  As if they didn’t have enough problems with Jared, their ex-spokesperson, in the lockup for a long-long time.

Yep, that Subway and leave it to our kings and queens of legal sparring to settle the existential question of the “not-12-inch Footlong.”

What?  The Footlongs I’ve been buying aren’t an effing foot long?  They’re not 12 inches long?

Isn’t a foot supposed to be 12 inches unless it’s attached to an ankle?

In a smashing legal victory, 10 men received the princely sum of $500 each as settlement for subpar Subways sold to them under the guise of being foot long Footlongs.

If my 4th grade arithmetic holds up, that’s a lousy $5000 in damages!

It was a tough case whined one of the attorneys … tough because the guys “ate all our evidence.” (In addition to being throat rippers, US attorneys are Oscar winning whiners.)

But wait a minute.  Someone – sure as my Subway ass is fat – collected on this landmark case because Subway had to pony up $520,000 in legal fees.  I’ll bet “dollars to foot long donuts” there’s a new partner in that law firm!

Okay … so Subway got caught shorting our bread.  Their defense?  It’s pulled by hand and that “accounts for the variability.”

And true to our harsh justice system, especially when dealing with multibillion dollar international corporations with mega-political clout, Subway has four effing years to comply.

What?  Four years to train people to measure 12 inches accurately and consistently!

I don’t know about you, but next time I order my foot long Footlong, I’m carrying a damn ruler!

Just sayin’.

6 thoughts on “When is a Foot not a Foot?

    • Hey Tom … thanks for reading.

      Wow, a comparison to Teddy “the Rough Rider” and San Juan Hill hero … and this on the day that Air Force 1 deposits a US President on Cuban land for the first time in 80+ years. I must say, however, that it is absurd to compare a 12″ ruler to a “Big Stick.”

    • Hey Janie … Thanks for reading my stuff and for commenting!

      We both know better than to accuse Trump of anything factual.

      Even if his stick were measured by his outstanding personal medical doctor who issued such glowing statements about his health, Trump’s perception of his stick would be nothing less than “Yuuuuge!”

      Plus, as bad as Trumps Steaks probably are, I doubt that Trump has ever been in a Subway, to eat or to ride!

  1. Centuries have gone by and men and women can’t agree on 6 inches, and you’re worried about 4 years to learn what a foot is??

    • Hey Mike … Thanks for commenting. Hmmm, you win the “seriously absurd” award for the most absurd observation.

      Where was my “head” when I even mentioned measurements and inches in my column. Thanks for absurdly pointing out the absurdity of my worries.

      Regardless, I’m carry my ruler with me when I hit Subway … I’m gonna cash-in on that court decision with a threat of additional court action should I ever feel “shorted.”

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