He Said What?

bing bing bongBreaking News … this just in:  “The oxygen’s been sucked out of the room” resulting in “no there there,” and because it was all “too little too late,” it’s time for the “Five Stages of Grief.”


Attempts by cable media to explain the 2016 GOP primary campaign are so horrific that I’m calling a “Linguistic Timeout.”

Everyone … Get back in your corner or go to the nearest Green Room and gulp another 5 Hour Energy Drink!

To understand the 2016 campaign language, here’s a synopsis, courtesy of my friends in cable news.


The Donald, who else, wears the crown for uttering the most non-words and phrases.  Trump’s the Leader of Lingo … LOL … pun intended.

Bing bing bong bong bing bing bing:  When The Donald launched this apparent gibberish from his gold plated tongue, “Dumbing-Down-America- Scholars” and Trumpologists worldwide leaped from their leather club chairs to fathom his stream of apparent nonsense.

The scholars id’ed the phrase as pure Trumpese and determined it was “that sound greedy lobbyists make when they are controlling the leaders of our country.”

He sucks all the oxygen out of the room:  Repeated ad nauseum at Trump rallies, it describes the effect of Trump’s mere presence in a room.

Headline News: “7,000 Plus Trump Loyalists Asphyxiated in Hangar at Trump Rally.”  Oops … No oxygen in the room could result in thousands of rabid Trumpians suffocating.

That sure puts a considerable dent in GOP voter registrations and it’s far from good news.

There’s no there there:  Gertrude Stein’s laughing her literary ass off as pundits use her phrase when they’re at a loss to find any meaning or rational thought in the stream of un-consciousness Trump spews at a rally.

Content?  Meaning?  Trump Rally?  No connections exist … only hats … made in China.

“Five Stages of Grief:” Because there’s an absence of any thought thus far in the GOP campaign, it’s created an abbreviated “Three Phases of Grief.”

Sorry Dr. Kubler-Ross.

Five stages are way too many for any GOP candidate to track since most get stuck in the first two … Denial and Anger.

That just leaves the last step … Acceptance.  Sixteen of the original 19 candidates are off the stage because they’ve reached “Acceptance.”  Only two remain, and they’re mortally wounded.

Sorry Ted & John … accept it and say “Goodnight.”

Just sayin’.

Seriously Absurd!

Houston, we have a problem …

Sorry folks, for those of you who were on the edge of your seats waiting for me to make your Sunday … it was a miraculous week throughout the entire universe and in spite of humanity’s best intentions, not a seriously absurd event took place.

Oops … hold on a minute …


“The Donald” decided to act like an adult … at least as much as he can.

Bernie met the Pope a week ago if only because he was stalking the poor Pontiff in the corridor.  Actually they did not “meet” … it was more of a bumping into affair.

Unfortunately Bernie had to go back to New York and get skunked by Hillary.  The Pope hung out at the Vatican and did “Popey things.”

The Queen turned ninety without any help from the colonies.  The Obamas did drop in for tea and wished her a “Happy Birthday” from all of us.

Ah … Prince did in fact die reducing Minnesota’s population of world renown humans to a big fat zero … They can now all turn their attention back to making ice sculptures.

Obama’s alleged Executive Order to have his bust sculpted on the face of Rushmore was once again debunked by Snopes (see Snopes 4/21/16).  This rumor started just a few months after he took office in 2008.

Kasich has not and will not drop out of the GOP race.  Neither will Cruz.  But The Donald still might just to Eff-over the GOP.  We should be so lucky.

Of course it was just another ho-hum week in Flori-duh where a cross dressing armed robber wearing a strapless gown held up a business in Hollywood.  He left with cash and was last reported headed to a nearby Target to use the bathroom.  Fortunately for Target it was after 9 PM.

Speaking of Florida and gender news, an actor in Delray Beach has changed his name to “Bruce Jenner.”  According to him, he wants “to preserve the heterosexual roots of Jenner’s original name.”  Our apologies go out to Caitlyn Jenner.

In Kentucky, a cubit-by-cubit replica of Noah’s Ark is on schedule to be completed when the “Ark Park” opens in Williamstown July 7th.  Rumors abound that visitors will be admitted only two-by-two … and that Kim Davis will vacate her clerkship and take over as Operations Manager at the park.

Lassie came home, finally … only to find Timmy deader than a door nail.

Wow … Maybe I was wrong … there just seems to be no end to shit you can make up or find out about “on the line.”

Just sayin’.

Peeing in North Carolina

spork“Charlotte, we have a problem” … as does Raleigh, Winston-Salem and all cities in North Carolina with public restrooms … more commonly known as bathrooms.

As of March 23, 2016, the state of North Carolina took a giant leap backward and decided that your at-birth biological gender shall determine, for the rest of your natural born life, which public pissing facility you will use while you are in North Carolina.

Simple, right?  Simple, wrong thanks to the effing dumb-bunny governor.

Ever hear of the law of unintended consequences?  Dare I mention “genital check points” or random GI’s … “Genital Inspections?”

These unintended consequences have landed smack dab in the governor’s lap … and it’s created a “Seriously Absurd” situation.


There’s a reason there’s a “T” in the LBGT movement.

Oops.  You mean there’s yet another group that lives in this “free” United States of America that no longer has access to use the public tax-supported bathroom of their gender choice … as opposed to their allegedly appropriately birth-assigned gender?

Hmmm … weren’t these issues settled when we fought over and eliminated “Whites Only” vs. “Colored” facilities?

Yep, Jack-o … that’s what we thought.

Here’s the tricky question:  How & who enforces such an absurd law?  Think legislators … use your cranial cavity for something other than a Play-Doh reservoir.

There’re drug pushers.  NARCS catch ‘em.

There’re murderers.  Homicide detectives catch ‘em.

There’re Partial-Stoppers at full-and-complete-stop signs.  Traffic cops catch ‘em.

But who’s checking the 1000s of public restroom users in the state?

Huh?  We have to check them for “illegal use of a public facility?”  You betcha we do.

It’s a whole new division of law enforcement.  Enter the “P&V Inspectors” … that’s penis and vagina for you slow readers.


“I’m sorry sir you can’t enter this piss-a-torium unless you show me your ding-a-ling.”

“My what?”

“Your ding-a-ling.  You know … your lizard.  Your snake.”

“My what?”

“Your dick … you dickhead.”

“Oh … you mean this?”

“OMG that’s ugly … go on in, but be careful with that thing.”


See what I’m saying?  Who’s gonna volunteer to be a P&V Inspector?

What do you say to your kids when they ask you to come to school on “Career Day?”

“Yes, honey, I check dicks daily at Exit 81 on I-95 in North Carolina?”

Just sayin’.

Dawn of the Nearly Dead – Baseball Style

The 2016 baseball season’s just started and it’s a whole new game at the concession stands.

You don’t have to bring your glove to snatch up a foul ball, but you’d better bring cardiac paddles, a clean credit card and lotsa Wet Wipes.

Stadium food’s moved from recognizable bad-for-you-hotdogs, peanuts and Cracker Jacks, to the two-handed-death-bomb-monstro-combos of calories, fat, salt, and cholesterol.

Stadium food is now very, very … “Seriously Absurd.”


Tie those paddles to your waist and head out west to an AZ Diamondbacks’ game and their 18-inch-deep-fried-corn-dog stuffed with cheddar cheese, jalapeno and bacon, buried with chipotle ketchup, spicy mustard and fries.

Swipe your card for a $25 hotdog and 3,000’ish calories.

Let’s say you long for a simple bacon-cheeseburger.  Don’t hold your breath.

But, if you’re at an ATL Braves’ game, you don’t have to choose between burger or pizza.  Not when there’s … The Burgerizza.

Bust your gut with 20 ounces of beef slathered with cheddar and bacon.  Bun? What bun?  You hold that gut-bomb between two 8” pepperoni pizzas.

Slide that card for another $26.  Hey … at that price, why not make it a doubleheader.

Keep your paddles handy ‘cause each Burgerizza packs 1580 milligrams of salt plus 890 calories!

But who’s keepin’ track?  This is Major League Baseball!

If you’re really on the hunt for a Man-sized burger, drive over to Tampa and watch the Rays.  They’ll drop a 4-pounder in your lap for a mere $30 … and it comes with a full pound of fries.

Knock down that 5-pound bad-boy-basket and you’ll get two return tickets plus a Rays’ tee shirt.  Make sure your paddle batteries are recharged for your next visit.

And, if you just gotta have those Cracker Jacks, go to Pittsburgh, catch a Pirates’ game and chow down on, you guessed it … two game day favorites.  The Jack & Mac Dog.

Wrap those Jacks (no crappy little plastic prize included) and a 12-inch pup in Naan, shovel on mac-n-cheese, drown it with salted caramel sauce and toss on deep-fried pickled jalapenos … and make sure your paddles are close by.

The only fly in this trough of gluttony and excess is you still gotta sit through almost three hours of the most boring sports event since synchronized swimming.

Just sayin’.

Trump’s Cabinet … It’s Really, Really Small

Trump Clown CarWell … The Donald’s emerged from the antediluvian slime pit that spawned him to make nice with the GOP after pooping on their parade.

It was a fun packed week for “Day-Glo Donald” … Lock up women who have abortions … Get rid of NATO … Let nuclear weapons morph out of control.

Unfazed by his most recent foot-in-mouth breakout, The Donald announced a plan to cut the size of government by reducing his “Brain Trust,” – his Cabinet.

“My Cabinet’s useless.  I mostly listen to myself.  You’ll get three-for-one when I’m the President, ‘Me-Myself-and-I.’  Hell, I might not even need a Veep.”


“I’m really, really smart.  I went to Wharton.  I’ve read “Art of the Deal” a lotta times.  I mean really a lot, and I Tweet my friends 24/7 to keep my brain really, really, really sharp.”

“Fixing jobs, our military, fighting Isis, and eliminating foreign affairs … except for Lying Ted Cruz who’s had numerous, I mean lots of affairs … that’s a no brainer.”

“I’ll get rid of the Secretary of State … with The Wall, and without NATO or the Geneva Treaty, who needs a State Department?”

“The Secretary of Defense … gonezo.  I’m gonna personally make us the strongest military power in the world.  The generals love me.”

“Treasury Department out!  Obama runs it with this Asian guy.  I have great friends in China … they buy my apartments.  I’ve got my own Asian guys.”

The rest of the cabinet?   Trump says he’ll pick from loyalists who’ve worn his “Made in China” hats and supported  his quest to “Make America Great Again!”

“Chris Cristie’ll be in line, too.  He’s mean.  Zero empathy … fully qualified to be in my cabinet.  But my God, the man’s fat.  Didya notice his hands?  Small, really small.”

“I’ll smoosh Commerce, Education and Energy together and let Rick Perry run ’em into the ground … if he can remember them.  When they’re bankrupt in a couple a months, I’ll Tweet Rick and say, ‘Hey Rick …You’re fired.’ ”

“Now, I just gotta get someone to pull the plug on ObamaCare.  “Marco … Oh, Marco … are you there?  Wanna job, Little Marco?”

Just sayin’.