Peeing in North Carolina

spork“Charlotte, we have a problem” … as does Raleigh, Winston-Salem and all cities in North Carolina with public restrooms … more commonly known as bathrooms.

As of March 23, 2016, the state of North Carolina took a giant leap backward and decided that your at-birth biological gender shall determine, for the rest of your natural born life, which public pissing facility you will use while you are in North Carolina.

Simple, right?  Simple, wrong thanks to the effing dumb-bunny governor.

Ever hear of the law of unintended consequences?  Dare I mention “genital check points” or random GI’s … “Genital Inspections?”

These unintended consequences have landed smack dab in the governor’s lap … and it’s created a “Seriously Absurd” situation.


There’s a reason there’s a “T” in the LBGT movement.

Oops.  You mean there’s yet another group that lives in this “free” United States of America that no longer has access to use the public tax-supported bathroom of their gender choice … as opposed to their allegedly appropriately birth-assigned gender?

Hmmm … weren’t these issues settled when we fought over and eliminated “Whites Only” vs. “Colored” facilities?

Yep, Jack-o … that’s what we thought.

Here’s the tricky question:  How & who enforces such an absurd law?  Think legislators … use your cranial cavity for something other than a Play-Doh reservoir.

There’re drug pushers.  NARCS catch ‘em.

There’re murderers.  Homicide detectives catch ‘em.

There’re Partial-Stoppers at full-and-complete-stop signs.  Traffic cops catch ‘em.

But who’s checking the 1000s of public restroom users in the state?

Huh?  We have to check them for “illegal use of a public facility?”  You betcha we do.

It’s a whole new division of law enforcement.  Enter the “P&V Inspectors” … that’s penis and vagina for you slow readers.


“I’m sorry sir you can’t enter this piss-a-torium unless you show me your ding-a-ling.”

“My what?”

“Your ding-a-ling.  You know … your lizard.  Your snake.”

“My what?”

“Your dick … you dickhead.”

“Oh … you mean this?”

“OMG that’s ugly … go on in, but be careful with that thing.”


See what I’m saying?  Who’s gonna volunteer to be a P&V Inspector?

What do you say to your kids when they ask you to come to school on “Career Day?”

“Yes, honey, I check dicks daily at Exit 81 on I-95 in North Carolina?”

Just sayin’.

22 thoughts on “Peeing in North Carolina

  1. You nailed it, Dick! If your humor were not so painfully true. I grieve for my Tar Heel home.

    • Hey, Grover … Thanks for reading my stuff … I have heard from several Tar Heel friends who wear paper bags over their heads now.

      I’m glad to hear of business pressure on the state government, but am surprised that the NBA failed to make a statement on the matter re: their All Star game scheduled for Charlotte.

      It truly is an “absurd situation.”

    • Hey Janie… Thanks for reading … Love your subtitle.

      If you’re travelin’ north to south thru the state, you might be able to make it without a pit stop. But east to west, forget about it.

      There’s a;ways the old stop on the side of the highway dodge … plus you’d have the satisfaction of “peeing ON North Carolina as well as in it.”

  2. Being a P&V inspector might be a bit limiting. Facebook, for example, offers 56 gender options for its users but only allows them to use 10 on their profiles. The most common self identifying options chosen are:

    Female to Male
    Gender Fluid
    Gender Nonconforming
    Gender Questioning
    Male to Female

    Google will help you out with these. I’m not sure if these are yet in the P&V Inspector Manual.

    • Hey Mike … Thanks for reading my stuff

      I choose the “Gender Fluid” descriptor which also could be applied to the action of expelling body fluid in a bathroom in North Carolina.

      I think I need to take a shot at writing the first P&V Inspector Training Manual for the state … not that any of their legislators, or inspectors for that matter, would read it.

    • Hey Joy … Thanks for reading my stuff … At 6’4″, I think RuPaul can enter any bathroom she/he chooses.

  3. Herr Huss:

    As a card-carrying member of PADL (Play-Doh Anti Defimation League) I am outraged that you would willfully condemn the millions of cans of flour, water, boric acid and mineral water in this country to live inside the “cranial cavity” of North Carolina legislators!

    If that doesn’t consitute blantant discrimination AND “cruel and unusual punishment,” what the heck does?

    Yeah, yeah, the whole birth-assigned gender test thing is truly seriously absurd…but why on earth should all those innocent cans of Play-Doh have to pay such a horrible price?

    • Hey, Tom …Thanks for reading …

      Shit … I thought the PlayDoh was made in the cranial cavities of the NC legislators. Don’t tell me it’s not a “natural product” of their non-brains!

      You can get PlayDoh NC Legislator Brains in various colors, too. As a matter of fact, I am partial to the “gray matter.”

    • Hey, Michael … Thanks for reading … I think we may have to ask Bernie what the Pope would say. He seems to be the new Papal Expert.

      I know what Jesus would say … He washed the feet of the village “whore.”

      Thanks for your support.

  4. So very seriously absurd! Don’t you love that Pay Pal, Deutsche Bank, the NBA and Bruce are seriously pissed-off!
    Great piece, Richard, thanks!

    • Hey, GL … Thanks for reading my stuff …

      Sol Alinsky was a terrific social disrupter and his theory was to “kick ’em in the wallet. Don’t bother with anything other than economic pay back.

      That’s the only thing that will make the NC simpleton governor change his position.

      I’m disappointed that the NBA did not take a firm stand … their’s is a “wait and see” approach hoping they won’t have to make a decision and it will all “work out.”

  5. Richard — great, and timely, article. My immediate reaction to the ridiculous NC law was, “Really, NC? You are trying to evolve from the Confederacy by enacting this discriminatory law targeting people who don’t pee redneck red?!” When I visited Brussels in 1969, they had bathrooms designed in a thoughtful (but pretty obvious) manner: No gender differentiation, just a door leading into a waiting room with sinks/mirrors, then other doors leading into individual rooms where one (male or female) actually went to the bathroom. Seemed then ( and still seems) pretty simple — a door.

    • hey Jake … thanks for reading my stuff …

      There you go again comparing us with civilized countries … I think we need to arm Bathroom Marshalls and post them in each facility … that way no stinkin’ hermaphrodites will get in and infect us! Maybe we can pin a tiny cock on our shirts so we can pass thru the inspection area more quickly. I see lines that will rival Delta Air Lines when the computers are down! It never ends … the lunacy of laws.

  6. Hey, Logan … Thanks for reading my stuff ..

    I think the colleges & universities in NC need to secede from the state and become mini-states within N.C. … they’re centers of thought surrounded by an entire state of absurdity & lunacy.

    Much of the civil rights fights were over bathroom and drinking fountain use … and we wonder why people in other countries look at us as if we were crazies.

  7. Who might these inspectors be? That is, what gender are they? And who’s inspecting the inspectors.
    What an opportunity for terrorists! Become a P&V inspector. Now that’s real terror.

    • Porter … Thanks for reading my stuff … But, for Christ’s sake, settle down. You’re beginning to sound like me.

      According to Islamic Law(s), if you blow up a bathroom full of Tran, then you’re sure to go to heaven with 72 Trans Vrigins … Maybe it’s 71 … not sure about the exact number.

      BTW … just to add angst to the God Squaders, I think we need to assign P&V inspectors by opposite genders … Men for the women’s bathrooms and vice versa.

      Where are Adam and Eve when we need them?

  8. I’m waiting for the first Request for Proposals to build P&V Inspection facilities (PAVIF, pronounced Pave-If), followed by a call for more eunuchs and whatever the female version is, followed by a followed by an Express Birth Gender ID card that allows you to bypass the long lines at the PAVIF. There will be regular news reports reminding travelers to go BEFORE entering the state, due to the wait.

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