I got invited to dinner the other night and couldn’t make up my mind about what not to wear.
Yep. That’s right. I was headed out to try one of the hottest new dining trends … I call it “Nudie-Foodies.”
Okay … so I made that up … but only the part about being the invitee.
The fact is, you can go to dinner and cocktails (Is that an unintended compound pun?) at Bunyadi in London, England (maybe that’s another unintended pun – “Bun.”), Collingwood in Melbourne, Australia, or Amrita in Tokyo, Japan.
And, you don’t have to worry a second about what to wear or spilling anything on your new clothing … because you won’t be wearing a damn thing.
Nada.
You’ll be bare-assed naked standing, mingling or sitting with an entire restaurant full of other “Nudie-Foodies.”
And given my warped brain proclivities, I immediately started thinking …
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About etiquette and table manners: Things like, do I do the “A-Frame air kiss” or go for a big ole man-sized bear hug?
When I meet someone, male or female, how much “eye control” do I exercise?
Is “laugh and point,” grounds for immediate expulsion … without a refund?
What am I supposed to wash after I use the “facilities?” I can see a sign in the Men’s Room: “Please wash hands and your junk thoroughly before returning. Thank you, The Management.”
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About germs: Every microbial life form will have free and easy access to my body. There’re freaking germs all over the place. I have trouble with some places when I’m clothed from head to foot. I wear shower clogs unless it’s my own damn tub.
Am I really gonna park my bare butt on someone else’s chair?
Oh, look … some guy just took his drink and left and there’s a spot at the bar.
Do I give the stool (Aargh another pun!) a quick Purell wipe-down? Grab a cocktail napkin and spread it on the seat? Or just hope the previous ass-on-the-stool was as clean as mine?
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The menu: My guess is items that refer to any form of “breast” are excluded as entrees.
Also, no “wieners, sausage, or any tubular meat contained in a casing.”
Ditto for the Japanese traditional “flirt-with-death” … “blow fish.”
And it goes without saying, no bull balls, Rocky Mountain Oysters or testicles of any kind will make an appearance on your table tonight.
So thanks for the “mythical invite and the almost memory” … but, I think I’ll keep my buns in my pants, my sausage in my tightie-whities, and my eyes to myself.
Just sayin’ …
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And for those of you who want to “fact-check my ass,” click on these: www.thebunyadi.com … https://au.be.yahoo.com/food/a/31700232/australias-first-nude-restaurant-melbourne/ … http://www.foxnews.com/leisure/2016/06/14/no-overweight-diners-allowed-inside-japan-first-naked-restaurant/