Monthly Archives: August 2016

Kurt Vonnegut … “I tell you, we’re here on earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.”

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Aaah, Sweet Baby, Geezus.  I was thinking about the reality of living with someone in shared space colliding with our fantasies of relationships.

Fart all marriagesYou’re probably already sayin’, “Whoa back, Richard … there’s still time.  Get your meds … or some Vodka.

“You still share space with a really wonderful person.  Don’t blow it, you dumb s**t!”

Well as we say down South, “Mama din’t raise no fools.”

So if you want to walk on the edge of relationship building with me, you’ll just have to read some more.

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If you’re “married,” you exchanged some version of relationship vows.  You may have written your own.  Modified what was written hundreds of years earlier, or recited traditional vows.

Whatever the situation, lofty promises, expressing undying love and “forever-and-ever” living together were uttered.  Nowhere was it mentioned that living with another person wasn’t like the happily ever after life of the Princess and Prince of fairy tales.

We then launched a beautiful relationship on the rocky, pot holed pathway of reality.

And, by now you realize that the Princess I live with is not matched up with a Prince.

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Round One with the Un-Prince …

Thank the pagan god of toothpaste, “Hydroxyapatite,” that several years ago a major Un-Princely debate was eliminated when toothpaste tubes changed from a lead and tin alloy to space age “plastic.”

No more could I use the line, “Name me one person who doesn’t squeeze and roll from the bottom of the tube.”

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Round Two …

Multiple bathrooms in single family houses established real detante.  No longer sharing the bathroom with your Prince or Princess eliminated an “ugly stink.”

The words, “Honey, your s**t really stinks,” are no longer literal.

But if used euphemistically, they’re still grounds for the gauntlet thrown down, pistolas drawn, sabers unsheathed and the “s**t hitting the fan” … so to speak.

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The Final Round …

Yes, it’s all about reaching that age in our lives when we just can’t seem to control expelling gas from our nether regions.

It’s funny or silly when your pet farts.  It’s even entertaining with a bunch of drunk guys and no females in the room.

But, when your Prince or Princess farts … it’s never funny, silly or entertaining.  And, yes we all fart in spite of the avalanche of early motherly interventions.

But, this time it’s the pagan god “Propaneous” with his patented “Fart Blanket” who comes to our rescue.

And, folks, all I’ll tell you is … the “Sumb**ch” controls the “blowback” and you can get it on Amazon!

Just sayin’ …

We’re not on Sesame Street anymore, Oscar!

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Donald GrumpDonald Trump’s burn down the stage, the country and all other flammable objects on the planet has folks looking to space travel to escape his one man conflagration.

I, on the other hand, am not joining them.   Having read all Sherlock Holmes’ novels, I have honed my considerable skills to detect and have deduced exactly what’s up with the man from “la planète d’orange.”

Post candidacy, it’s gonna be all about Trump-TV … financed by Russian oligarchs and staffed by Roger, “I-Never-Had-Sex-With-All-Those-Women,” Ailes and Steve, “Yes-I’m-Certifiably-Crazy,” Bannon.

And, no doubt there’ll be numerous cameo appearances from the now naked, most famous “homme d’orange,” Don the Con.

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Sesame Street?  Fu-ged-about-it!  Gonezo!  Trumpified!

Now we have … “That’s Life on Fifth Avenue.”

The alphabet … Only in your soup!  “That’s Life” features dollar signs, decimals, commas, and zeros.

It’s Trump, decked out in mortar board and gown brandishing his pointer … “Hey, kids, today’s show is brought to you by $1,000,000.00.  Can you say, one million dollars?

“Look at all those zeros.  They’re beautiful.  I hate losers, but I love zeros.

“Be careful with that decimal.  It could cost you!”

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Cultural and racial diversity?  Kiss that ole Pit Bull puppy goodbye and let’s have a great big WASP-A-frame-hug-and-air-kiss welcome to The Trump Towerhood!

In the T-hood, you don’t hear Spanish or Haitian patois.  No one’s sitting on the stoop waiting for the mail.

The Sabrett Hot Dog Wagon’s been crushed by Limos and Rolls Royces.

No chalk Hop Scotch squares.  No stick ball or street scenes with kids.  No Big Bird, Burt and Ernie, or Elmo.

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But there is Trump in the Tower’s Preschool Financial Rumpus Room teaching his latest Pyramid Seminar to the kiddos.

And, Trump also stars in the session on “The Power of the Successful Pout.”

A Donald Junior session – when he’s home from big game safari – offers the kids a glimpse at conflict resolution with his special “Be-One-with-your-Gun” class in the Tower’s basement gun range.

We can’t forget the class based on Trump’s Young Readers’ Bestseller, “The Art of the Tantrum,” which features Trump, a trashcan lid covering his scary orange hair, popping up from a gigantic garbage can loudly whining a la Oscar the Grouch.

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Yes, the Hood may have changed.  But the goals are the same: Acceptance of diverse peoples and differing opinions … cooperation and understanding … respect for each other and … awwww s**t.

If you believe that, then there’s a bridge in the borough next door I’ll sell ya.

Just sayin’…

It’s an all new Hall of Shame

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I’m assembling a star studded collection for my new unvarnished-forever-to-live-in-history, GOP Un-Truth-Truth Hall of Shame.

Hall cirque de so lame

Immortalized by bronze busts and abutting their “Blue Ribbon” bronzed word salads, these GOP’ers represent the best-of-the-best.

Tickets for the Hall may be purchased at any WalMart. Fat old white men receive a 50% discount – no Muslims and only 3% minority daily admissions.

Satisfaction guaranteed or the GOP will unhappily refund 1% of your ticket cost.

Read on for the selected Shamers …

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Todd Akin: Former GOP Congressman representing the “Stupids” – “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways of shutting that whole thing down.”

Ann Coulter: Voted “Most Vicious” GOP gad fly-ette” – “It would be a much better country if women did not vote. […. in every presidential election since 1950 – except Goldwater in ’64 – the Republican would have won, if only the men had voted.”]

Barry Goldwater: Aha … a speck of clairvoyance. “Mark my word. If and when these preachers get control of the [Republican] party, and they’re sure trying to do so, it’s going to be a terrible damn problem.”

Lindsey Graham: South Carolina’s bachelor bon mot senator – “Strom Thurmond had four kids after age 67. If you’re not willing to do that, we need to come up with a new immigration system.”

Mike Huckabee: Representing the “Yes-it’s-me-again-candidates” – “Planned Parenthood isn’t purely a ‘healthcare provider’ any more than a heroin dealer is a community pharmacist.”

Richard Nixon: Tricky Dick’s summation of the media – “It is the responsibility of the media to look at the President with a microscope, but they go too far when they use a proctoscope.”

P.J. O’Rourke: Conservative comic commentator and voted “Most Likely to Attend any GOP Cocktail Party” – “The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get elected and prove it.”

Dan Quayle: Veep and speller who did not know as much as a fifth grader – “The global importance of the Middle East is that it keeps the Far East and the Near East from encroaching on each other.”

Marco Rubio: Cuban-American senator unfortunately needed for minority representation – “Whether the Earth was created in 7 days, or 7 actual eras, I’m not sure we’ll ever be able to answer that. It’s one of the great mysteries.”

Steve Stockman: Aah … another former white male ex-GOP’er who won the “Bumper Sticker as Americana Art” award –

Hall if babies had guns *************************
Oh … A separate building will house The Donald J. “Frump” shamers.

Send me your nominees and quotes.

Just sayin’…