I don’t know about you, but I’m sick and tired of feeling like an “Ugly American” … an unclean citizen of the world.
Some of us feel so ugly that when we travel, we say … “We’re Canadian.”
Canadians? What’s up with that?
You know the Canadians. They’re the ones who live just north of us and have actually memorized the rules to ice hockey. They’re the donut eaters and beer drinkers who prefer cold weather, don’t carry guns around all the time, and have good free health care.
Who wouldn’t want that?
Well, I’m fed up! I don’t want to feel ugly or unclean … For crap’s sake, I might even settle for feeling like a Canadian.
Hell, we Americans got nothing to apologize for. We show leadership in tons of areas.
No one can equal what we’ve done to school cafeteria food. Or the Great American Truck Stop … which has no peer.
And we’re fattening up the rest of the world faster than a steer in a Kansas City feed lot by altruistically spreading our McDonalds, Subways and Dennys anywhere in the world we can build ‘em!
Michelin Five Star rated food obsessed chefs? Who needs ‘em? We’ve got Reality-TV personality chefs by the pickup truck load. We’ve got more TV Chefs than the other six continents combined.
Yeah, I know there’s nobody actually “living” in Antarctica to sauté the waddling penguins … but it still counts as a continent!
WTF, with all these huge and amazing accomplishments, why do we Americans still feel like such dumb asses?
Even though we’re possessed, some say cursed by our Puritanical heritage, we now have the opportunity to catch-up with those “Continentals” and master the fine art of … anal cleansing.
We still deforest North America by wiping our freedom-lovin’ asses with toilet paper. And once the paper’s flushed, no-way-no-how can we recycle it!
Now we can bring an “end” to the misery of our unclean anal state … and save a few million trees, too.
The time has come to say: “AMERICANS, END ANAL MISERY!”
The EZ to install Bum Gun is here … at Lowes starting at $19.95!
And, if you’re too em-bare-assed, to be seen buying your own Bum Gun, order it from Amazon … It’s Prime!
Feel clean with an ultra-clean Bum. You’ll never feel bummed out again!