Americans … Cleanup your act … The Bum Gun is here.

I don’t know about you, but I’m sick and tired of feeling like an “Ugly American” … an unclean citizen of the world.

Some of us feel so ugly that when we travel, we say … “We’re Canadian.”

Canadians?  What’s up with that?

You know the Canadians.  They’re the ones who live just north of us and have actually memorized the rules to ice hockey.  They’re the donut eaters and beer drinkers who prefer cold weather, don’t carry guns around all the time, and have good free health care.

Who wouldn’t want that?

Well, I’m fed up!  I don’t want to feel ugly or unclean … For crap’s sake, I might even settle for feeling like a Canadian.


Hell, we Americans got nothing to apologize for.  We show leadership in tons of areas.

No one can equal what we’ve done to school cafeteria food.  Or the Great American Truck Stop … which has no peer.

And we’re fattening up the rest of the world faster than a steer in a Kansas City feed lot by altruistically spreading our McDonalds, Subways and Dennys anywhere in the world we can build ‘em!

Michelin Five Star rated food obsessed chefs?  Who needs ‘em?  We’ve got Reality-TV personality chefs by the pickup truck load.  We’ve got more TV Chefs than the other six continents combined.

Yeah, I know there’s nobody actually “living” in Antarctica to sauté the waddling penguins … but it still counts as a continent!


WTF, with all these huge and amazing accomplishments, why do we Americans still feel like such dumb asses?

Even though we’re possessed, some say cursed by our Puritanical heritage, we now have the opportunity to catch-up with those “Continentals” and master the fine art of … anal cleansing.

We still deforest North America by wiping our freedom-lovin’ asses with toilet paper.  And once the paper’s flushed, no-way-no-how can we recycle it!

Now we can bring an “end” to the misery of our unclean anal state … and save a few million trees, too.

The time has come to say: “AMERICANS, END ANAL MISERY!”

The EZ to install Bum Gun is here … at Lowes starting at $19.95!

And, if you’re too em-bare-assed, to be seen buying your own Bum Gun, order it from Amazon … It’s Prime!

Feel clean with an ultra-clean Bum.  You’ll never feel bummed out again!

Just sayin’…

4 thoughts on “Americans … Cleanup your act … The Bum Gun is here.

  1. Sorry to be late with a response…been prepping for Matthew…as opposed to Mark, Luke or John.

    Fortunately I see you’ve got the John thing covered!

  2. Hi Tom … Thanx for commenting …

    Prepping? Comeon, Man … what’s it take to get your Scotch, ice, lemon and a paper cup? No glass ’cause you could trip and fall.

    As for any john, they should all be covered … and please, do not let your dog drink from the damn things!

    I promise that next week will be more oriented toward the real “asses” in the news … until then, I remain Seriously Absurd.

  3. The Canadians will never fall for it! Imagine trying to teach little kids how to use the bum gun…this is seriously absurd. I do disguise myself as a Canadian when I travel abroad by wearing a little Canada backpack. Should I feel ashamed?

  4. Hey … they’re Canadians … they believe people!

    Children cannot use the Bum Gun until they reach the age of 35 … boys until the age of 50. The frontal vortex on the male isn’t nearly developed enuf until the age of 50 … some, never.

    Passing yourself off as a Canadian offers no challenge … choose Bantu or rain forest pygmy or Aleut … go for exotic … should be easy especially if all your using as a disguise is an effing backpack!

    Thanks for reading … until next week … I promise to find something more seriously absurd than kaka …

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