As I write this, there are 24 days, 13 hours, 12 minutes and 50 seconds left until Xmas.
Remember when we used to only track the “shopping days ‘til Xmas?”
No more. Thanks to “Cyber Shopping,” now we count days, hours, minutes and seconds as we shop for Xmas 24-7.
C’mon Man … how much fun is it staring at your E-device instead of warming up with a Margarita or two, heading into town, parallel parking with bravado, sharp elbows popping other shoppers outta your way, tanking up on more Margaritas, telling the store wrapper to “skip the bow ‘cause you’re in a hurry,” looking for that one last gift that you think’ll be perfect … did I mention the barrels of essential Margaritas?
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This year, I decided to try my hand at … online shopping, a grand venture into the vast unknown of … “The Internet Economy!”
I randomly grabbed three print-catalogs that Xmas marketers jammed into our mail box.
“The Popcorn Factory” … “Sharper Image” … and “What on Earth, a collection of really cool stuff – over a 450 gifts under $20.”
Using these catalogs, I started my “on-the-line” spree.
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My motto – tackle the Big Dawg first! I logged into “What on Earth.” Hey, 450 items under $20 … that’s what I’m talkin’ about!
I e-searched and discovered there’s a lotta really worthless s**t for $20-$40.
But, the Superhero Apron Set – that caught my eye. Wonder Woman, endowed with breasts that drove sex-crazed-teen-boys into a frenzy, and Captain America, with a built in codpiece crotch. Yowzaa!
I could see my wife and I boogying in the kitchen, cooking up a storm, seducing each other in our hot-to-trot aprons … $24.95.
I rethought the aprons. Not Happenin’!
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Next, I dove into the food arena via The Popcorn Factory.
I could tell right away this wasn’t Jiffy Pop over-the-stove-popcorn-s**t!
Let’s go whole hawg! I zeroed-in on the popcorn tyranny-tower of Dancing Reindeer Tins. Only $169.95.
Uh oh … the tower’d probably collapse from rot before we could snack through it!
Not Happenin’!
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Then I went Big Time … the Sharper Image – home of “Tomorrow’s Best Gifts Available Today!”
Who doesn’t want to have a “sharper image?” I was hooked.
And here it is – a “Shoe Deodorizer! A stand-up thingie that uses ultraviolet light that’s been “tested to kill harmful germs in a laboratory setting.”
OMG … wonder if it’ll work in the closet. That’s kinda like a very unusual laboratory setting.
Gotta have it … only $139.99.
Hmmm. I’ve never ever met anyone who sniffs shoes. That’s a big Not Happenin’!
Guess I’ll just learn to love my somewhat-less-than-sharper-image.
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After a rigorous day of on-the-line shopping, I let out a deep breath and whispered to no one in particular but quite possibly everyone in general …
“Merry Xmas to all and to all a good night … I’m waitin’ ‘til the 24th to shop!”
Just sayin’ …
My sympathy to your wife.
Aaah, Gail … No need to worry about my wife. I kept a box of Whitman Sampler from last Xmas … it’s already re-wrapped and under the tree! Nothin’ but the best !
Thanks for reading my stuff!
Take heart, Ricky Ricardo! In my youth – defined here as anytime between the Paleozoic era and 1989 or back when I still had hair – many stores waited until 12/24 to host a “stag shopping” day. They offered unlimited rye whiskey (cleverly disguised as “egg nog”) to all their male shoppers. This being Flori-duh, it’s entirely possible you can find one that’ll switch out the rye for Margaritas so you can – quite literally – shop till you drop.
That said, I would advise your Mt. Dora readers to stay off the roads altogether on Christmas Eve just in case you decide you’re okay to drive home from – with apologies to Jimmy Buffett – Margaritaville.
Aaah, TL … Those fun stores musta just been in your neighborhoods. Sure wish I’d had some in mine … might have saved me a few bucks from messy divorces. I do like your idea of shop ’til you drop Margaritas. Now-a-days, that’s maybe two … it’s a real bummer getting old-er.
Also, we have this new thing now for drunks … it’s called Uber. They, however, get real testy when you use the back seat as the receptacle for your “reverse” Margaritas.
Sorry about the hair taking liberty from your scalp … Thanks for reading … Until next week, I remain “Seriously Absurd.”
Oh, Lordy! This is the funniest one yet. The apron set is, well, fetching, to say the least.
I agree about on line shopping. It’s soooooo boring compared to the bustle of Macy’s or Wal-Mart.
I particularly love to watch people shop in Wal-Mart. We have a lot of lovely, working Mexicans here, maybe because we live near Orange City, and the little kids are so adorable saying, “Mir-ah! Mir-ah!” and pointing their little fingers. No catalog can match that for me.
Or the dude so proudly slapping down that 60 inch screen wall TV onto the checkout, wiping some perspiration from his brow (with good reason, most likely). Grinning from ear to ear in anticipation of the family’s delights!
As for stale popcorn, you coulda saved it to “string” for next year’s tree. Remember dyeing macaroni with food colors and stringing it with the kids? Ah, without kids, well, it just ain’t Christmas, is it?
Merry Christmas, all of you readers!! Blessings like “Seriously Absurd” aren’t in everybody’s stockings, you know. Just ours!!!
Hey PMartha … Thanks for the kind words and the walk down memory lane of popcorn and macaroni strings on the Xmas Tree. I’m from that time period when that was our main decorative touch on the tree. And, it took a shitload of popcorn and macaroni!
Thanks for reading … until next week when we discover more absurdities for the Xmas season.
Richard–why don’t you and Mari buy the aprons and then bake cookies and brownies as gifts? You can sip libations in your own home and not have to drive–and the wrappings will be unusual, I’m sure. This year Michael and I opted to “support the local economy” and were able to find 2 (yes, only 2) stores that carry items actually made in Woodstock. Since we’re pagans who celebrate Solstice, we chose candles. Cheers.
Hi NBR … Thanks for reading and commenting. God loves all the little chilluns and the Pagans, too! Happy Solstice … we still have out Solstice Tree from our shared celebrations from your Mount Dora days.
Bottom line on the aprons … they would be the only clothing worn so I doubt any cookie baking would get done … we might work on some other “sweet stuff,” but definitely not gift wrapped cookies!
Until next week when we explore more Xmas absurdities …