Holiday Weigh-In

santas-dietsTis the season to be fatter .. Fa la la la la,la la la la.

My stomach grows it doesn’t matter … Fa la la la la la, la la la la.

Wait a minute.  Don’t worry!  I’ve got the secret!  I have found The Way … The Cure!  I denounce the “fatitude” of the Xmas Holidays that has plagued us forever.

I’m sharing it here and it won’t cost you a dime.

After all … ‘tis the Season!


Step #1 … Never read any advice (except this) for how to cope with the Xmas Battle of the Bulge.  All it does is make you feel helpless and hopeless.  Too many rules and too much nutritional information for you to “digest” … pun intended.

Step #2 Never under any circumstances weigh yourself before going to a party.  What’re you … nuts?

Step #3 … Prepare two 3×5 cards marked “Reserved.”  You’ll need these for your prime seats.  The ones you’ve repositioned close to the bar and the buffet.

You might have to move chairs or stools to your prime positions.

Step #4 … Don’t eat or drink before the party.  The party’s FREE!

Give me one good reason you should pass up FREE and eat or drink what you’ve already paid for.  All you’ll do is ruin your appetite, get drunker and miss out on FREE!

Step #5 … When you arrive, Be Brave!  Don’t fret about what people will think.

It’s Xmas and they’re already stressed to the max.  You’re a speck in their minds and they’re ratcheted up thinking about what they CAN’T eat or drink for the night.

Drop those 3×5 cards on your chair or stool when you go to the spread or the bar.

Step #6 Buffet Management … Be “First in Line.”  You’ve mentally and physically prepared for this event.

Don’t be a Woosie and get an attack of “The Polites.”  This is a critical point and you need to act on your on best interest.

Step #7 …  Bar Management … Don’t waste empty calories on cocktails with mixers.  Get your alcohol on the rocks or neat.  If you absolutely must … then okay, drink wine.

But, if alcohol is offered, opting for wine is just stupid.  You’re after the most “Bang for Someone Else’s Buck.”  Wine won’t get you there.

Step #8 … This’s the most important in your “Steps to Xmas Weight Success.”

Santa is fat … not skinny.  Fat’s okay at Xmas.  His suit’s ugly, but he’s kinda jolly in a fat’ish sorta way.

Besides, how many damn parties are you going to?  Maybe two or three?  Forget about the weight.  It’s not like you’re dedicating your entire life to this eating style!

Relax … enjoy … gain a coupla pounds … and have a really Merry Xmas!

Just sayin’ …

6 thoughts on “Holiday Weigh-In

  1. That which is impossible to improve on MUST be true…all hail the Seriously Absurd holiday diet guru!

    • Hey TL … Thanks for your continued support … If you’re gonna “hail” me, then you’d better make sure that you use the phrase “Seriously Absurd” in the same accolade! That’s the only way it’ll make sense.

      Thanks for reading and commenting … Tune in next week when I put up a “Wanted Poster” for Santa!

  2. Amen to what Tom Lloyd said here! I am praying for home-made fudge made without marshmallow creme and with pecans, or, to die and go to heaven, black walnuts. Take a pillow with you, offer to stay and help clean up in the morning, and curl up in front of the fireplace. No one will be sober enough to tell you go on home, and then you can have sweets for breakfast, too!!!

    • Hey PMartha … Thanks for reading and commenting … you speak of not being sober enough to drive, I used to make an Xmas Egg Nog that some folks dubbed, “Catatonic Egg Nog.” Many folks spent the evening at the house rather than risking the drive home … smooth as silk and packs a heavy punch.

      Didn’t know you could get black walnuts anymore … home made fudge is a great treat, to be sure.

  3. A fantastic plan! Unless you are the party giver, not goer. It’s usually our lot to host “The Griswalds”. I’m must remain alert for those 3×5 cards, mix ’em up a little. Perhaps write on the front, “So, how about that election!”.

    • Hey Porter … Whew … I thought for a moment you were gonna write on the back of my 3×5’s, “So, how about that erection!”

      I have no sympathy for the “party giver.” They should know what the deal is … Free … or bring one dish and eat all you can (not care to eat) … bring one bottle of $8.99 red wine and drink their Tito’s Vodka all night.

      Those are the universal rules for parties … check it out in Amy Vanderbilt or any of the other etiquette manuals!

      Thanks for your support … And remember, we need to fight to keep the “X” in Xmas!

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