Ladies and Gentlemen … start your choppers!
Open … stuff … chomp … glug!
You’ve now entered the arena of “speed eating sports” where there’s no time for chewing or savoring.
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Though it may not take the highly honed hand-eye coordination of other sports … food eating contests have captured the imagination of the reality show crazed American public and regurgitated themselves into a national past time.
But wait … there’s more to digest!
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Fuhgedabout “mom-taught-manners” … this is hand-to-mouth combat and at times direct-face-to-plate-action.
Speed eating’s exploded from quaint local county fair pie eating contests to a sports industry with corporate sponsors, its own professional organization (Major League Eating – MLE), coaches, agents and lucrative purses … plus an ESPN contract with live audiences in the 100s of thousands.
There’s even an MLE Hall of Fame … could it be a Hall of Shame?
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Active competitors vying for The Hall are Joey Chestnut, of Nathan’s Hotdog fame, and the Twinkie’s record of 121 Twinkies in 6 minutes … 105 pound Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas who slurped down 47 dozen oysters in 8 minutes … and Patrick “Deep Dish” Bertoletti holder of the world’s poutine eating championship, 13 pounds of gravy and cheese soaked fries in 10 minutes.
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But … it’s not all “gravy” in the world of a speed eater.
Food health critics claim these professional gluttons set bad examples for those suffering from eating disorders.
Best guesses are that in less than a minute of stuffing dogs-n-buns in their mouths … eaters sky rocket past federal RDAs (Recommended Daily Allowances) for salt, fats and trans fats.
Who cares about carbs by this time!
Gyrating, jumping eaters resemble pre-Vegas early Elvis as they try to shake-rattle-and-roll massive food intake into their ever expanding stomachs.
MLE now requires professional medical staffing at their contests to treat jaw injuries, strokes, choking, and water intoxication … but with greater public exposure, the eaters push to challenge the limits of this “Foodie Stuffer’s Frontier!”
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I say, let ‘em eat! It’s an All-American Sport … and it sure beats dwarf bowling by a long shot!
If we can pay billions to watch steroidal behemoths collide at super human speeds carrying an oblong piece of pig … then, we can absorb the shock of 21 pounds of grits disappearing into “Deep Dish” Bertoletti’s gut.
Just sayin’ …
I suspect this new national pastime can be traced at least back to Paul Newman gulping down all those hard-boiled eggs in Cool Hand Luke. No “failure to communicate” in that contest. 🙂
Oops John … I’m sure the “professional eaters” on the circuit all have copies of the Cool Hand Luke scene.
In the spirit of Struther Martin, the Warden, “What we have here is a failure to communicate” … Newman actually ate no eggs for that scene … probably just spit each mouthful into a bucket … also, thanks to Dr. Google, I learned that Joey Chestnut has the world record for HBEs (hard boiled eggs) @ 141 in 8 minutes … also note: that produces a lot of hydrogen sulfide which equals really smelly farts.
Thanks for reading …
Hmmmm. Speed-eating on Easter morning, eh?
Is someone feeling just a little guilty about devouring several metric tons of jelly beans and a couple dozen warrens of chocolate rabbits this morning?
And, just for the record, what kind of sacramental wine pairs best with a jelly bean and chocolate communion service there at the Our Lady of the Expanding Waistline Chapel, Carwash, Bait & Blog Shop on the Mount of Dora…and…is there any left?
(I’m suddenly feeling very thirsty.)
Hey TL … Well, you finally got my church right … the OLEWCCB&B … and we welcome all worshipers regardless of their “tastes.”
As for the wine pairing, since you know my tastes, I’ll just say it’s “The Brothers’ Wine” … Gallo et Gallo, “It goes with everything and not-a-thing.”
Catch you next week when things get really serious and absurd.
I realize I live in a cloistered world of sorts, but what in the world is a steroidal behemoth speeding along carrying an oblong piece of pig? Tried working my imagination on that one and came up blank. As for the gluttons, didn’t Dante place them in the seventh ring or thereabouts? At least way down there they won’t be crushing the Earth’s crust, likely causing tectonic shifts and tsunami events, eh?
Cheers to the Easter Bunny!!! Black jelly beans are unsafe if in my view!
…football. But it’s actually (and sadly) a piece of a cow (leather), not a pig.
Hi PMartha … Rick’s right … it’s an allusion to pro football players and the ball. Ironically, actual pigskin was never used … the original “football” was the pig’s bladder … pretty disgusting especially if you were assigned to blow it up!
As for Dante … a quick Dr. Google look says it was Circle #3 …it also is one of the 7 deadly sins, #5 on the feared eternal wheel of deadly sins.
Thanks to both of you for reading my stuff …
Thanks for the graphics – they remind me of the Sunday Wizard of Id comic strip.
Speaking of graphic … *gulp*, actually let’s not, it would just be a waist of time …
Hey Mike … Thanks for reading my stuff.
Thank Mari for my graphics … she does a terrific job digging up artwork representing my absurdity!
As for the graphic content of this blog adding to your “waist line,” how do we explain the 105 lb bulimic eating weight of “The Black Widow,” Sonya Thomas? Or, did I just do that?
Hold on to your seat … the supply of absurdity is endless … just as the supply of oysters were for Sonya Thomas!
Gross and grosser.
Hello, “Ella-Girl!”
Thanks for reading my stuff … yep, it was really funny and fun when I started and as I learned about how far & wide the “sport of speed eating” has spread, I started thinking that this is not only absurd, but really gross.
I think it was the fact that there is no “food-stuff” that these crazies will not eat … and with corporate sponsors, there’s no end in sight. It’s like the stream of Oreo cookies … there are now an unlimited number of variations on the basic cookie … colors for holidays, thin line, double-stuffed, frozen, cakes, ice cream … it necer ends.
But … ya gotta admit … it is “Seriously Absurd!”
Richard. Another tasty morsel from the wonderful world of Richard. Just a note though.. I hold a World’s record for eating the most of my own words… and on a daily basis, too!
Hello, Michael from Woodstock! Thanx for readin’.
I don’t think these eaters know what a “tasty morsel” is. Wonder if they ever sit down and enjoy a truly gourmet meal? Maybe I shoulda Googled that question?
If you have the “eating my own words World Record,” I’m breathing down your neck in 2nd place. I’ve found that a light, lemon, tarragon laced Bernaise Sauce helps my words go down as I swallow them.
Thanks for all your support…