Worry has a way about it.  Almost everything I’ve worried about has had little or no impact on my life and in retrospect most of it’s been, “Seriously Absurd.”

Elementary school trying “to please” my parents … running with scissors, dodge ball, cursive, spelling tests … and the school bully.

I survived.

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Junior high school … trying “to please” my parents.

Making it to class without getting stuffed into a locker.  Passing Algebra … surviving shop class packed with Neanderthals … and wondering what I was supposed to do with the embarrassing rod that appeared in my pants just before I was called on to stand and recite something.

I moved on.

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High school I discovered what to do with the rod in my pants.  Crossed that off the list.  But, it seemed my parents were more difficult “to please.”

Trigonometry … big worry.

Couldn’t hit a curve ball which halted my march to major league baseball.

I didn’t worry about getting into college … I had “no plans” to go to college.  Then, all of a sudden I found myself in college.

Oops.

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My first two lectures freshman year … “Alienation from Self” followed by “Alienation from Society.”  I didn’t know I was so lonely.  I worried.

Got a “zero” on a math make-up exam.  The math prof worried about why I was in his class.

No worries about my Spanish classes, so decided Spanish would be my major … if they let me come back for a second year.  They did.

I still tried “to please” my parents.

I graduated.

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Suddenly I was an adult and had a dress-up job.

My adult worries multiplied exponentially … I worried about my worries.

My parents died … they’re off the list.

My children became tax-paying-fully-functioning adults.  Off the list.

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Now the government’s officially declared me “old.”

I have time, so now I worry about …

• Why people like Kanye West.
• Not being able to drink as much vodka as I used to.
• Why we can’t call Trumplethinskin’s base “Deplorables.”
• If Caitlyn Jenner is happier than Bruce.
• Not having a Hollywood smile even though I use whitening strips.
• Peeing 3-5 times a night.
• Why Tom Brady bothered us about his missing jersey.
• Going into a room and not knowing why … though I’ve done that since 3rd grade.
• Why I make lists of things to do that will only make me worry.

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Age seems to have its rewards.  I laugh at my worries … now I can see it’s all  “seriously absurd.”

Just sayin’ …

Date … any day President Trump’s in the White House … therefore, not a weekend or Friday afternoon.

Time … 3 AM.

Scene … Oval Office … Trump’s pacing in front of the Presidential Portrait of “Ole#7,” Andrew Jackson … Trump’s clutching his Presidential Blackberry …Jackson’s portraited eyes follow Trump.

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PrezT:  I dunno, Andy.  Today was tough.

PrezJ:   I told ya it wasn’t gonna be a bed a roses!  But bootin’ the head of the FBI …  that’s just bone headed!

What were ya thinking’?  Oh … never mind.

PrezT:  Yeh … I hear ya.  I thought I had a good idea when I bragged about what a great problem solver you were … how you’d fix all that Civil War stuff.

But some a-hole reporter said you died before the war.  One little slipup.  I’m really tired of all this … “Ruler of the Free World,” my ass.

PrezJ:  I’m not sure, but I think that’s “Leader,” not “Ruler.  As in “Leader of the Free World.”

PrezT:  I knew that.  I got an idea … you oughta come down to my place in Florida.  You’ll love what’s happened to it since you were there last.

‘Cept you couldn’t whip those Indians, the what’s-their-names … and now they block me every time I wanna build a casino.

PrezJ:  Ya mean there’re still Seminoles running around?  And, by the way, moron … every fifth grader knows I died 16 years before the Civil War.

PrezT:  I hadda get rid of Comey.  He wouldn’t swear allegiance to me.  He started hogging the limelight.

PrezJ:  Well that’s a “yuuge and bigly” problem.

Hey butter-butt … at least I didn’t compare my inauguration crowd with #6 … that midget, JQ Adams.  Though reporters misrepresented that bash we had at the White House after my inauguration.

Whoowee … that was my kinda parteee!

PrezT:  Yeah … reporters screw me on crowd size all the time.  I gotta shut ‘em up on Hillary’s three million votes.  Voter fraud … that oughta do it.

Hey … did ya ever play golf?

I love golf.  Did I tell you I always win at golf?  I’ll take ya down on Air Force One.

PrezJ:  I’d rather ride horses.  That’s what real men do.  What’s an Air Force One?

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Sad … a spoiled brat President talking to a portrait.  Gimme me a break.

Or even better … gimme a real President.

Just sayin’ …

In my attempt to be totally informed and up to date, I check rogue Twitter accounts, obscure Lithuanian blogs, the “Dark Web,” and cave writings looking for information below the public’s radar.

Some of you may doubt the veracity of the following alt-alt-facts.

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President Barack completes application for membership at Mar-a-Lago.

His “Family Membership” would open all the resort’s facilities to Michelle, Malia and Sasha.

A leaker – OMG, not more leaks – from the M-a-L Membership Committee stated, “No one in the club will speak to or make eye contact with any of the Obamas.”

He added that “For sure, President Obama would never be invited to a golf foursome but thought it was possible that, if disguised as servers, Michelle and the girls could ‘mingle’ with diners.”

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Since the famed 1995 Gerard Finnernan “Drink Cart Dump” on United Airlines, applications for airline Flight Attendant positions have slowed to a trickle and it appears that Flight Attendants are quitting in droves.

In an attempt to revamp their customer care programs and increase the pool of potential flight attendants, airlines initiated the first annual Flight Attendant’s Employment Draft starting in 2017.

To support the new draft, United Airlines announced yesterday a trade offer of its entire crew of flight attendants plus $1.5 billion in cash for Japan Airlines’ flight attendants.

According to insiders JAL is considering the proposal … but not seriously.

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President Trump and Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un inked a multi-bazillion dollar contract for a mano-a-mano cage fight to the death … or until one of them yells, “Uncle.”

The bout, brokered by Roger Ailes and Bill O’Reilly is in conjunction with the launch of their new entertainment venture … Focks VD.

The first fight will take place in Ames, IA … just one of many bouts pitting Trump against designated world leaders.  Vladimir Putin’s rumored to be signed for the next fight.

These “Battle Royale” contests are the crux of Trump’s re-election strategy and his new campaign slogan … “Make America Mano-a-Mano Again.”

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And on a lighter note, the Kirkland (Costco) 30-gallon drawstring garbage bag has earned the Serial Killer-Dismemberment Society Seal of Excellence awarded by JD Power.

Over 1,000 manufacturers entered their best bags for the brutal test … a competition for durability, anti-stretchiness and odor resistance.

JD Power insists no humans were injured and no human body parts were used in the tests.  When asked about what was in the bags, a “No Comment” was issued.

Be sure to pick up a supply … If it’s Costco, it’s gotta be good!

Just sayin …