Presidents and “Hunting” — Macho, Macho Man!

Most politicians hunt more than votes to prove they’re manly enough to bring home the bacon needed to fill the pork barrel called Washington.

Witness Teddy “Sure-they-named-a-cuddly-bear-after-me” Roosevelt.  He sure made it clear he was a “Big Game Guy” when he cleared the prairies and the African savannahs to establish his manhood.

Surprisingly, Jimmy “I’m-a-Bleeding-Heart-Liberal” Carter also was listed as a big time hunter.  Hard to believe … but he’s ranked in the top five “Presidential Hunters.”

Then there was the photo op debacle of John “Straight-from-LL Bean’s-Hunting-for-Dummies” Kerry, rifle in hand … posed desperately hoping to ooze maximum macho juice!

And even though he was only the Veep, we can’t forget Dick Cheney dumping a load of bird shot right in the face of his “sitting duck hunting partner!”


Not to be outdone by this political “macho-madness,” our current President Trumplethinskin has let us know that, he too, is a hunter … but only as he can describe it.

Braggadocio Don brayed to the world, “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose voters.”  I’m not sure that’s hunting … but it involves a gun, pulling the trigger, and killing.

Maybe he’s our new urban style “Great-White-Hunter-President.”


Here’s the downside of down-and-dirty Trump, the mythical hunter.

Our total non-outdoorsey, nature and exercise phobic, don’t make me walk a step … let alone a mile in your shoes President, recently Tweet-whined, “You’re witnessing the single greatest Witch Hunt in American History.”

Witch Hunt?  He said “Witch Hunt!”  Who doesn’t love a good old fashioned Witch Hunt?

“Hey Grammy, break out the marshmallows, grahams and chocolate … we’re havin’ a fat-assed Smores’ fire!”


Trumplethinskin’s greatest “Witch Hunt” fear better be the throngs of “Nasty Women” after his scalp … wouldn’t that hunka-hunka-burnin’ orange hair look great dangling from an “I’m Proud and I Vote” woman’s g-string?

Trump quotes the false god of “MAGA” more than he does “Corinthians Two.”  Surely God fearing Jesus loving Evangelicals should pile the kindling high and sauté his ballooning bulbous witchy-ass for bowing down before “False Idols.”

It’s clear that Jeff “The-Troll-Who-Lives-under-the-Fallen-Bridge-of-Infrastructure-and-Lack-of-Memory” Sessions is a true Trumpian Warlock in collusion!

For just a hint of historical perspective … even a 5th grader knows that over 200 people were fried, drowned, stretched, dismembered, stoned, or otherwise subjected to “enhanced interrogation techniques” in the greatest Witch Hunt in American history … the Salem Witch Trials.

Now that’s real Witch Hunting!

Just sayin …

Bored Bezos Goes on Shopping Spree!

Jeff Bezos, Amazon’s CEO and 3rd wealthiest global capitalist openly admitted that playing Trump-attack-dog with his newspaper toy, the Washington Post, has finally lost its allure and now he’s bored out of his gourd.

According to Bezos, Trump’s nothing but dumbed-down, low hanging rotten fruit for low brows.

“I want to play in a bigger well stocked to-hell-with-the-cost market.”

That’s why, in a surprise move, he’s agreed to pay a fire sale price of only 13.7 billion dollars – CASH! – for Whole Foods … that bastion of over priced, over packaged, over hyped food, beverage and beauty care products for the non-price conscious.

Bezos, an investor junkie, hopes he can mainline excitement via his Whole Foods acquisition.

To Bezos, Trump – who now spends all his time claiming he’s not being investigated but still wants to fire the investigator, is nothing but Fake Tiffany gold!


The purchase of the incredibly snobby and boorish Whole Foods operation catapults Amazon’s food status to the Neiman Marcus level of retailing.

Bezos makes it clear … “I get goose bumps just thinking about our first Whole Foods Xmas catalog with a special centerfold … Whole Foods’ Surprise Once in a Lifetime Food Gift!”

Obviously offered with free shipping for Prime Members.


Amazon shares immediately skyrocketed based on the Bezos-King-Midas-like decision … everything he touches turns to gold!

Future plans call for closing “all those architecturally tacky Whole Foods stores.”

The WF parking lots, all in “prime locations” – pun intended – will be the cornerstones of a country-wide Drone Port network for fresh and prepared food delivery … anywhere in the USA in less than 30 minutes.

“Expensive fast foods is an under developed market which we will dominate by 2019.  Our goal is to deposit elite office quality cuisine into every cubicle in America.

“Whether it’s Bangor, CA or Bangor, ME.”


Imagine the impact on the psyches of all the droned-out workers in the US.

They slave all day on phones listening to raging customers … have to use kludgey outdated software on junkyard bound computers … and have no, zero, nada privacy.

But at lunch … they’ll be able to nosh on an Israeli sweet onion roll, slathered with Parisian hand whisked Dijonnaise, stuffed with wild Caspian Sea crispy flash fried oysters … delivered in minutes for only $17.99.

No delivery charge for Prime!


Bezos also quickly corrected Fake News reports that Alexis misunderstood him when he asked her to buy him an enchilada from Whole Foods … but instead bought him – the whole enchilada!

Just sayin’ …

How Not to Feel Totally F**ked Over

There’s no question that garden-variety-non-one-per-cent Americans feel like they’re royally f**ked.

Here’re a few ideas on how we can move back from the edge of an imminent America-sized sinkhole and the international “game of chicken” we’ve been playing.


Foreign Affairs … Our current approach makes the Huns, Vandals and Visigoths look like Woosies.

Instead of middle school taunts that could lead to nuclear annihilation, let’s go back to the Hollywood movie glamour days when the two leading men faced off against each other … mano-a-mano.

Lashed wrist-to-wrist with braided strands of Kim Chee … armed with Tiffany sterling Trump logo engraved, curved bladed, butter knives … Kim jong-un and J. Donald Trump, dressed in full Summo regalia, slash, grunt, bump and sweat on each other ‘til one of them yells, “Uncle” … assuming there’s an uncle still alive!

It’s a Battle Royale made to order for the two narcissistic delusional Bozos!


Infrastructure Plan …  Wasn’t it stupendous that we dedicated four entire days … May 15th-19th … for “Infrastructure Week?”

Did anyone attend the kickoff gala in D.C.?

It was actually the 5th Annual National Infrastructure Week, which BTW was started during the Obama administration … I bet the Trumpettes didn’t know that.

The Trump family’s “yuugest and bigliest” plan was to privatize the Air Traffic Controller workers and break the ATC Union.

The week was filled with the Marine Band playing background music while Trumplethinskin signed fancy “Letters of Direction” to Congress … to “do something about our crumbling infrastructure.”

Here’s an idea, Carrot Top … how about repairing some honest to God bridges and roads the “old fashioned way” … using tax dollars and American workers?

At least fill the frigging pot holes!


Trade Negotiations?  Easy Peasy … they pay more while we pay less.  So far, no one’s buying that “bridge in Brooklyn!”

Middleclass Jobs?  The most exciting job growth numbers to date came when Starbucks created their Unicorn Frappaccino … can’t wait to buy my new house on a Barrista salary plus tips!

Opioid Addiction?  No problem!  As soon as Chris Christie can shake free from his crumbling New Jersey empire, he’s gonna tackle the drug industry … 90% of whom have their businesses in New Jersey … and they already “own him!”


Hmmm … now that I’ve looked more closely at this s**t pile, do you mind if I trade in my MAGA hat and T-shirt for a “Let’s vote the A-holes out” hat and T-shirt?

Just sayin’ …

I Can See Clearly Now

The good news is, I can see clearly now from my right eye.  The other good news is that I’m told by experts in the eye fixing medical field, that my improved vision will not impact my writing abilities.

For some of you, that could be disappointing news.

The really good news is that I spent most of this past week on some weird local anesthetics, so I spent two days messing around with the top of my head and not finding the time to sit down and seriously and absurdly expound on the conditions of our world.

But … have no fear.  There’s always next week and the feeling’s returned to my hairy dome.

In the meantime, your assignment is to go back and re-read your favorite blog.  A test will be emailed to you once you’ve registered your favorite blog with me.

Peace … love … and go to Dairy Queen to claim your free cone … tell ‘em I sent you!

Does this surgery make my butt look …?

Quick … get Carl Hiaasen on the line!  Miami’s just uncovered the whackiest of whack jobs … a perfect candidate for his next novel.

No stranger to the medical field, Hiaasen’s dentists, doctors, nurses and quasi-medical quacks have starred in his zany Florida novels.

Many of these characters came straight from that treasure trove of Hiaasen’s local newspaper, The Miami Herald.  And it’s The Herald that’s unmasked another perfect character for him.

It’s all about Butt Crazed Miamians … searching for their own “perfect butt.”


Butt or but … Hiaasen’s Miamians are not alone in the world of surgically enhanced butts.  It’s apparently quite the rage for women who want that special JLo, Beyonce or Kardashian got-my-own-zip-code-butt!

But, the problem doesn’t appear to be getting your butt done … but getting it done right!  I’m bettin’ these docs weren’t Harvard Medical School grads!

One Florida Butt-Doc, currently in the clink, allegedly purchased his “filler” from the Home Depot paint department.  Yep … silicone … the Silly Putty for painters and evidently this new breed of pretend cosmetic surgeons.

Do ya think it was the paintable silicone?  I bet the patient wondered why her complete butt-job-redo was only $79.95 … instead of $7950.00!

Making the news, another doc’s “Butt-Filler-Cocktale” was a mix of cement, mineral oil and Fix-A-Flat tire inflator and sealant.  Though arrested in Florida, this Butt-Doc performed her surgery in London … so I guess she technically used “tyre sealant!”



In an effort to come to a better understanding of this phenomenon, “Seriously Absurd” took to the sidewalks and in an exhaustive search sought insight from women who looked like they could use a bit of a bigger butt … and from some who apparently had already enhanced their “rear asset!”

Well … bet you can guess how ill conceived that little venture was.  You don’t want to know the outcomes of these encounters.

Suffice it to say, I’m one very lucky Blogger-Dude and got back to my keyboard with all my digits intact … and I mean “all!”


Looking for a safer alternative, I turned to Dr. Google and entered “legitimate butt enhancers.”  Holy S**t … 269,000 responses with Amazon right near the top!

For $37.97, you’ve got your new-butt-in-a-bottle … Major Curves Butt Enhancement … with 2,373 positive reviews … and it’s Prime!

And … guess what guys?  The reviews are loaded with big-butted-photos proving the quality of the product.

It’s “A Day Trip for Voyeurs” … all in the name of solid research.

Just sayin’ …