Most politicians hunt more than votes to prove they’re manly enough to bring home the bacon needed to fill the pork barrel called Washington.

Witness Teddy “Sure-they-named-a-cuddly-bear-after-me” Roosevelt.  He sure made it clear he was a “Big Game Guy” when he cleared the prairies and the African savannahs to establish his manhood.

Surprisingly, Jimmy “I’m-a-Bleeding-Heart-Liberal” Carter also was listed as a big time hunter.  Hard to believe … but he’s ranked in the top five “Presidential Hunters.”

Then there was the photo op debacle of John “Straight-from-LL Bean’s-Hunting-for-Dummies” Kerry, rifle in hand … posed desperately hoping to ooze maximum macho juice!

And even though he was only the Veep, we can’t forget Dick Cheney dumping a load of bird shot right in the face of his “sitting duck hunting partner!”

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Not to be outdone by this political “macho-madness,” our current President Trumplethinskin has let us know that, he too, is a hunter … but only as he can describe it.

Braggadocio Don brayed to the world, “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose voters.”  I’m not sure that’s hunting … but it involves a gun, pulling the trigger, and killing.

Maybe he’s our new urban style “Great-White-Hunter-President.”

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Here’s the downside of down-and-dirty Trump, the mythical hunter.

Our total non-outdoorsey, nature and exercise phobic, don’t make me walk a step … let alone a mile in your shoes President, recently Tweet-whined, “You’re witnessing the single greatest Witch Hunt in American History.”

Witch Hunt?  He said “Witch Hunt!”  Who doesn’t love a good old fashioned Witch Hunt?

“Hey Grammy, break out the marshmallows, grahams and chocolate … we’re havin’ a fat-assed Smores’ fire!”

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Trumplethinskin’s greatest “Witch Hunt” fear better be the throngs of “Nasty Women” after his scalp … wouldn’t that hunka-hunka-burnin’ orange hair look great dangling from an “I’m Proud and I Vote” woman’s g-string?

Trump quotes the false god of “MAGA” more than he does “Corinthians Two.”  Surely God fearing Jesus loving Evangelicals should pile the kindling high and sauté his ballooning bulbous witchy-ass for bowing down before “False Idols.”

It’s clear that Jeff “The-Troll-Who-Lives-under-the-Fallen-Bridge-of-Infrastructure-and-Lack-of-Memory” Sessions is a true Trumpian Warlock in collusion!

For just a hint of historical perspective … even a 5^th grader knows that over 200 people were fried, drowned, stretched, dismembered, stoned, or otherwise subjected to “enhanced interrogation techniques” in the greatest Witch Hunt in American history … the Salem Witch Trials.

Now that’s real Witch Hunting!

Just sayin …

There’s no question that garden-variety-non-one-per-cent Americans feel like they’re royally f**ked.

Here’re a few ideas on how we can move back from the edge of an imminent America-sized sinkhole and the international “game of chicken” we’ve been playing.

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Foreign Affairs … Our current approach makes the Huns, Vandals and Visigoths look like Woosies.

Instead of middle school taunts that could lead to nuclear annihilation, let’s go back to the Hollywood movie glamour days when the two leading men faced off against each other … mano-a-mano.

Lashed wrist-to-wrist with braided strands of Kim Chee … armed with Tiffany sterling Trump logo engraved, curved bladed, butter knives … Kim jong-un and J. Donald Trump, dressed in full Summo regalia, slash, grunt, bump and sweat on each other ‘til one of them yells, “Uncle” … assuming there’s an uncle still alive!

It’s a Battle Royale made to order for the two narcissistic delusional Bozos!

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Infrastructure Plan …  Wasn’t it stupendous that we dedicated four entire days … May 15^th-19^th … for “Infrastructure Week?”

Did anyone attend the kickoff gala in D.C.?

It was actually the 5^th Annual National Infrastructure Week, which BTW was started during the Obama administration … I bet the Trumpettes didn’t know that.

The Trump family’s “yuugest and bigliest” plan was to privatize the Air Traffic Controller workers and break the ATC Union.

The week was filled with the Marine Band playing background music while Trumplethinskin signed fancy “Letters of Direction” to Congress … to “do something about our crumbling infrastructure.”

Here’s an idea, Carrot Top … how about repairing some honest to God bridges and roads the “old fashioned way” … using tax dollars and American workers?

At least fill the frigging pot holes!

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Trade Negotiations?  Easy Peasy … they pay more while we pay less.  So far, no one’s buying that “bridge in Brooklyn!”

Middleclass Jobs?  The most exciting job growth numbers to date came when Starbucks created their Unicorn Frappaccino … can’t wait to buy my new house on a Barrista salary plus tips!

Opioid Addiction?  No problem!  As soon as Chris Christie can shake free from his crumbling New Jersey empire, he’s gonna tackle the drug industry … 90% of whom have their businesses in New Jersey … and they already “own him!”

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Hmmm … now that I’ve looked more closely at this s**t pile, do you mind if I trade in my MAGA hat and T-shirt for a “Let’s vote the A-holes out” hat and T-shirt?

Just sayin’ …

Quick … get Carl Hiaasen on the line!  Miami’s just uncovered the whackiest of whack jobs … a perfect candidate for his next novel.

No stranger to the medical field, Hiaasen’s dentists, doctors, nurses and quasi-medical quacks have starred in his zany Florida novels.

Many of these characters came straight from that treasure trove of Hiaasen’s local newspaper, The Miami Herald.  And it’s The Herald that’s unmasked another perfect character for him.

It’s all about Butt Crazed Miamians … searching for their own “perfect butt.”

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Butt or but … Hiaasen’s Miamians are not alone in the world of surgically enhanced butts.  It’s apparently quite the rage for women who want that special JLo, Beyonce or Kardashian got-my-own-zip-code-butt!

But, the problem doesn’t appear to be getting your butt done … but getting it done right!  I’m bettin’ these docs weren’t Harvard Medical School grads!

One Florida Butt-Doc, currently in the clink, allegedly purchased his “filler” from the Home Depot paint department.  Yep … silicone … the Silly Putty for painters and evidently this new breed of pretend cosmetic surgeons.

Do ya think it was the paintable silicone?  I bet the patient wondered why her complete butt-job-redo was only $79.95 … instead of $7950.00!

Making the news, another doc’s “Butt-Filler-Cocktale” was a mix of cement, mineral oil and Fix-A-Flat tire inflator and sealant.  Though arrested in Florida, this Butt-Doc performed her surgery in London … so I guess she technically used “tyre sealant!”

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In an effort to come to a better understanding of this phenomenon, “Seriously Absurd” took to the sidewalks and in an exhaustive search sought insight from women who looked like they could use a bit of a bigger butt … and from some who apparently had already enhanced their “rear asset!”

Well … bet you can guess how ill conceived that little venture was.  You don’t want to know the outcomes of these encounters.

Suffice it to say, I’m one very lucky Blogger-Dude and got back to my keyboard with all my digits intact … and I mean “all!”

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Looking for a safer alternative, I turned to Dr. Google and entered “legitimate butt enhancers.”  Holy S**t … 269,000 responses with Amazon right near the top!

For $37.97, you’ve got your new-butt-in-a-bottle … Major Curves Butt Enhancement … with 2,373 positive reviews … and it’s Prime!

And … guess what guys?  The reviews are loaded with big-butted-photos proving the quality of the product.

It’s “A Day Trip for Voyeurs” … all in the name of solid research.

Just sayin’ …