Privacy … the Last Bastion

‘There are times when I still appreciate the feel of paper.’

FLASH … Over 60% of people confess they use their cell phone while they’re on the toilet.  The other 40% are probably lying.

Your cell phone’s already more contaminated from bacteria and viruses than you want to know about … and, that’s before you go in!

The emotional and the anal toll of using your cell phone while in the bathroom … though not quantified … are real.


For many of us, the last bastion of privacy from the digital world is the bathroom.

It’s the place where you can “let it all go.”  You can “s**t or get off the pot.”  You can stink up the room and still think … “your s**t doesn’t stink.”

It’s the place where you can be alone and not feel guilty that you’re enjoying your “down time.”

Unless, of course, you’re clutching your demon-digital-device!


Only if you’re a contortionist who can open the bathroom door … and have prehensile toes so you can flush the toilet and manage the faucets while wearing protective socks … will you avoid mega-contamination of your cell phone while using it in the bathroom.

Your cell phone’s an extension of your hand.  Remember that as you play Angry Birds perched on your throne … everything you’ve touched gets transferred to your phone.

One in six phones examined is contaminated with E.coli bacteria and that’s before you’ve entered the Petri dish of fecal aerosol particles, viruses and pathogens called “the bathroom.”


The average time spent toileting has increased to 100+ minutes per week for men … women are in and out in a mere 80+ minutes per week.  As a result, there’s a new syndrome in town … I call it “Butt Drag Syndrome” … or BDS.

A big part of that time-on-task-increase is blamed on a load of multitasking while dumping.  You know … reading and grunting … gaming and farting … not to mention x-word puzzling and Iphoning.

God forbid we simply tend to our business.  31% of people have stayed on the toilet longer just to finish a social media task … while 44% have heard a toilet flush from the other end of a phone!

Consider the G-Force pull and tug to your cute butt thanks to gravitational pressure!

Gravity’s winnin’ every minute you’re not movin’ and groovin’!


So, to avoid worry over who’s done what and where in that stall … and a saggy-baggy-bottom … keep your already unclean phone in your pocket.  And BTW, when’s the last time you cleaned your damn phone?

Just sayin’ …

2 thoughts on “Privacy … the Last Bastion

  1. Soooooo….when nature “calls”…we should all just let it go directly to voicemail?
    Or is this actually a plaintive plea for the folks at Scott, Charmin, Quilted Northern and the 4.379 other toilet paper makers out there to help us clean up our respective acts by producing NEW AND IMPROVED anti-bacterial, anti-fecal-particle, anti-virus, anti-pathogen anterior wipes?
    (If that’s the case, I think “Game of Thrones” would be a good name…and “Clean Your Android AND Your Ass At the Same Time” might work as the slogan.)

    • TL … we’ll try again … but my “lost reply” was really Boss! I like the idea of cleaning my Android (which I take is a phone and not my household robot) and my ass … I just want to make sure we’re cleaning the ‘Droid first and our nether regions last. I also agree that when “nature calls” we need to send her to Voicemail which to me means use the great outdoors for that call and not the Petri dish we call our bathrooms. Thanks for all your support …

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