From Maine to Iowa, and Wisconsin to California, people are reporting vicious unprovoked attacks. Their attackers lurk in front yards, bushes and trees.
No one’s safe!
After years of exploitation and holiday appearances on gluttonous festive fall tables, it appears that it’s “pay back time” for Americans. Yes … it’s a matter of revenge and repayment.
After clawing their way back from near extinction to over 7 million strong, the wild turkey has come home to roost … and we’re in their roosting territory!
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Most recently it seems these wild and reckless gobblers are switching roles from the hunted to the hunters. Just ask the denizens of Stamford, CT.
Connecticut Yuppies, Preppies, and filthy rich have been feeding the wild fowl and now they’re screaming, “Foul!” because turkeys don’t seem to give a “turkey scat” about their social status, cars, or Ivy League credentials.
The Turkeys want their land back and they want it now! They’re enraged numbers are high enough to scare the whale blotched pants and Lily skirts off all those Preppies!
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Move over, Rover. Chewing on the mail man’s no longer your sole domain.
Turkeys have usurped your favorite targets … US Postal Carriers.
“Turkey-sperts” – my name for self-appointed Turkey Behavioral Experts – explain that the regularity of postal schedules allows these bird brains to establish a behavioral pattern.
Now, they hide in waiting for their shot at new game … “Postal Hunt-n-Peck!”
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These same “avian-nists” warn people … “When you’re under attack, do not turn and run. This just makes the turkey ‘bolder.’”
Bolder? WTF? How frickin’ bold can a turkey be?
We’re talkin’ big fat feathery birds that gobble better than they can fly. We’re not talkin’ Grizzly Bears or Bengal Tigers! It’s 12’ish pounds of feathers armed with a beak and a wattle.
C’mon man – stand your ground!
Stop … take aim … and drop kick that “Feathered Butterball” into your neighbor’s yard.
And speakin’ of “taking aim,” if unlike most gun owners you can hit the bird and not your own toe or nether regions … “turkey trot” to your mailbox locked and loaded and with a single shot, blow your potential Thanksgiving dinner into the street!
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Given all this turkey uproar, I wonder if “L’orange 45” will continue the November tradition of Presidential pardons.
Probably … past turkeys pardoned have been American bred … and white!
That would give him three free white birds since he’s already pardoned his first “turkey” – ex-sheriff Joe Arpaio!
Just sayin’ …