Monthly Archives: September 2017

The Dead Man Fanny Pack

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Did ya miss me?  Huh?  Huh?

So I’m trying to catch-up after almost two weeks of being in digital lockdown thanks to Hurricane Irma.

While “speed reading” thru emails and junk mail … BTW, I love my SPAM mail …  I catch a headline …”Dead Man Fanny Packs.”

I immediately think … blog material!

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First thoughts … is this a Fanny Pack for a dead man, or for the sake of PC’ness … Dead Person?

If so, then said dead person can carry some personal possessions to a Final Destination because, tucked neatly under his final suit jacket at his funeral, he’s wearing a … “Dead Man Fanny Pack” purchased directly from the funeral home for a small added cost.

I like that image.

It’s kinda like the burial traditions of other civilizations where personal possessions accompanied the deceased on their journey forward to the next world … or final resting place.

My Dad coulda used more golf balls for his afterlife trip.  He had a penchant for losin’ them … a terrible golfer.

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Second thoughts … Hmmm, maybe this is a Fanny Pack based on Thomas Harris’ “Silence of the Lambs.”  In addition to the gourmet cook and crazy man, Hannibal “The Cannibal” Lector, he gave us that quintessential serial killer, “Buffalo Bill” … the guy who got off on skinning women to remake “skin suits.”

Fanny Packs made from human skins … “Dead Man” Fanny Packs!

No way … a lotta weird stuff’s sold on the Internet but I think that one’s a stretch.

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By now I’ve turned to Dr. Google for the answer to my way overly fertile imagination.

Turns out that the Dead Man Fanny Pack’s a Halloween promotional item based on the Mexican celebration … “Dia de los Muertos,” or “Day of the Dead.”  Crap … and here I thought I had a rabbit to run that was very seriously absurd.

But I did notice one company selling the Packs was ironically seriously absurd … promoting their Dead Man Fanny Pack with a “lifetime guarantee.”

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Apparently, the only thing serious and absurd about this topic is my brain.  But, then you know that while I only suspect it.

Just sayin’ …

Killer Fashions: “You too, can stand your ground, look good, and quick-draw!”

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When the models strut down this high fashion runway, you’d better duck for cover.  They’re all packin’ and you’ll be the last to know … ‘cause you’re watching a “Concealed Carry Fashion Show!”

It’s the hottest fashion show to hit the scene since Victoria’s Secret Angel’s got their wings.  No competition from Vickie’s Angels … in their show, they don’t conceal anything!

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Playing “hide and seek” with your gun’s allowed now in all 50 of our somewhat united states.

Gone is the “Goth-Hit-Man-Black-Trench-Coat” look of the misfit teen shooters at Columbine High School.  The NRA’s moved on to another capitalist high value money target.

And now they’ve created the “lookin’-good-while-you-carry” market to exploit the fastest growing group of US gun owners … WOMEN!!

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Look for big changes in “first date” protocols.

Women won’t be victimized by “kiss and tell” when they can “stand their own ground” and say … “Kiss and tell?  I’ll blow your punk-ass away!”

A confused groping guy mumbles … “Is that a .38 in your bra, or are you a 38?”

A man approaches … and, with a wink you use that old Mae West line … “Is that a Glock in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?”

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Yep … designers have holsters for anywhere you can hide an armament on your body.  And gun manufacturers have custom complementary gun colors to match.

At the 2017 NRA “Concealed Carry Fashion Show,” one of the hottest items was “Lethal Lace” … a sexy wraparound holster strapped to a woman’s waist or thigh.

You can almost hear the TV commercial … “Come to Victoria’s Secret first … then duck into Smith and Wesson for your matching custom colored ‘tuck-away.’”

If you want to carry “off-body,” Gun Purses with special compartments for your weapon of choice set you back a few hundred bucks.

If you opt for the Non-PETA approved ostrich or crocodile skin, it’ll run you several thousand!

With a Gun Purse, there’s plenty of room for makeup, cash, credit cards … mace, pepper spray and a spare condom … along with your “sexy bang-bang” and extra ammo clips.

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Wait a minute … you won’t believe this!

I just learned that Texas also grants open carry for swords!

If you don’t want to shoot ‘em … you can stick ‘em!

Whatta a great opportunity for self-expression!  Texas, you folks rock!

Just sayin’ …