Bill O’Reilly, Fox Broadcasting’s arbiter of moral values and women’s private parts, has had it with God.
“You know, am I mad at God? Yeah, I’m mad at him,” O’Reilly said in a recent podcast after being outted for his 32 million dollar sexual harassment settlement.
Meanwhile from on high, Heavenly Leakers spread the word … O’Reilly may be mad … but God’s eternally pissed.
After Mr. O’Reilly’s grandstand play … God’s on a mission to teach O’Reilly a lesson for all-time … up close and personal!
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It’s clear O’Reilly’s missed the whole Adam-Eve-Eden-scandal of original sin … man’s falling from grace.
God’s decided that it’s gonna take a good ‘ole fashioned ass whuppin’ to convince the wrinkled-prune-of-a-dried-up-wannabe-sex-symbol, that if your arms aren’t long enough to box with God … you shouldn’t!
Here’s the message delivered to the masses though his Son and manager … “God’s Ready to Rumble!”
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“In this digital age, we’re not sending Moses to lay down a few simple rules of the road to a wandering ragtag Lost Tribe,” says Jesus.
No clay tablets here … look for a mass worldwide broadcast in 3D on HTV … that’s Heavenly TV to you Heathens, Pagans and non-believers.
“There’s only one way to settle this … and that’s to climb in the ring with the Supreme Gladiator … God the Father.
“Watch God ‘Open a can of Whup Ass’ on O’Reilly for only $6.66 … which includes two pair of 3D glasses.
“Dad just wants to get O’Reilly into the ring with Him. We’re way beyond a Sunday School lesson with this guy.
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At the prefight weigh in, which was a formality since God has no measureable physical form, the Gladiator Supreme and the One-Who-Denigrates-Women faced off.
God suggested that Mr. O’Reilly, clearly the underdog, review the Old Testament and come to the fight Samson-like … armed with the jawbone of an ass … or emulate David with a few smooth flat river rocks and a sling.
O’Reilly implored God to take this opportunity to show His magnanimity and forgiveness to “Man-Kind” starting with him … Bill O’Reilly.
That produced a laugh from the Almighty One that rocked the heavens and sent O’Reilly scurrying rat-like back to his locker room hidey-hole … for more “locker room talk.”
The last words heard from O’Reilly were … “Tell Him I’ll donate 32 million to any church he wants … I promise. I swear. Oh, please God … it’ll be a ‘Deal made in Heaven!’”
Just sayin’ …