I don’t care … It’s still an effing squash!

My attitude about pumpkins is less than positive.

I don’t care how you dress it up a pumpkin is still nothing more than an overgrown squash.  And true to the sound of its name … a squash is a squash … and a pumpkin is a squash.

How can you create inviting food items based on … squash?

Especially when it’s a big, orange, bumpy, wrinkly, totally bland, goiter-looking squash.


According to Trader Joe’s, and every other food outlet in the US, you make a “pumpkin spice” concoction.

Then you foist it onto consumers as if there’s no end to how they can combine it with anything edible.

Pumpkin muffins with nuts and dried fruit … if served warm and slathered with butter … that’s pumpkin pie without the crust … that’s a big “Okay.”

Cereals?  An entire aisle full … all with a pumpkin spice line.  If Big Cereal can extrude it, they’ll bake it, sugar it, and sell it.

Trader Joe’s Pumpkin O’s, Kelloggs’ Mini-Wheats & Special K, Quaker’s Life.

If you’re a health-nut holdout, just open a pouch of Quaker Pumpkin Spice Instant Oatmeal and lock your bowels with a spoonful of that s**t!

No wonder the old Quaker on the box has a twinkle in his eyes!


Cocktails?  Surely the Pumpkin Spice Lords won’t invade the Sacred Land of Spirits … our Fall Happy Hour libations.

Aaargh … that’s for the yucch brown Pumpkin Spice Martini … a drink that resembles overflow from my sewer line after a major hurricane.

And for the garnish?  I’m not thinkin’ olives here!


Push that pumpkin spiced food to the side of the road.

How about a big shout-out for pumpkin spice soap-on-a-rope?  The perfect gift for that guy headed to prison this fall who fears dropping his soap in the shower!

Candles?  Yep … your entire effing house can smell like the pumpkin pie you charcoaled in the oven yesterday!

Driving to grandma’s house? Get one of those cute little hangy-down-car-deodorizer-thingies … and enjoy pumpkin spice wafting from your rear view mirror!

“Hey honey … come check my pits!  I just got my Pumpkin Spice Latte deodorant!”  Scrump-dili-cious!

And finally … in spite of SNL and Kate Mckinnon’s best efforts, there really isn’t an Autumn’s Eve Pumpkin Spice Douche … but, there probably will be for the 2018 fall season.


Oh, boy … I can’t wait for Thanksgiving … turkey, cranberries and forced-family-get-togethers … all the things I love!

Just sayin’ …

14 thoughts on “I don’t care … It’s still an effing squash!

  1. So are you saying it’s the pumpkin SPICE that’s driving you (still further) out of your gourd…or do you object to everything that’s ‘big, orange, bumpy, wrinkly and goiter-looking’ like…for instance…the current occupant at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.?

    • Hey, TL … Thanks for the comment … Nope, no confusion between “45” and a pumpkin … everyone knows he’s got a spaghetti squash on his head!

      The goiter … that’s a different matter …

      Thanks for your support.

  2. I do like pumpkin pie–but not nearly as much as pecan pie! (And it doesn’t use pumpkin pie spice.)

    • Hi Joy … My Thanksgiving’s always a better day if someone brings pecan pie to the feast. That and enuf alcohol.

      Thanks for reading and commenting!

  3. Pumpkin Flavoring is just an excuse to eat lots of cinnamon. Love it. I eat it without the pumpkin! Janie

    • Hey Janie … Copious amounts of cinnamon go on my breakfast Quaker Oats on a daily basis … along with raisins a tad of brown sugar and soaked in Almond Milk. A great way to start the day since I can’t drink before 10 AM any more … alcohol, that is.

  4. A friend has a pumpkin spice latte every day in October. Every October! And she’s the size of Callista Flockhart. That’s despite having a pumpkin inspired Dunkin Donut, which means stopping there first or drinking cold Starbucks later.
    So, the other day, I was telling Ronnie this strange tale while driving home from St. Augustine (wonderfully spicy place, but no lattes in sight!), and he pulled into the next Starbucks.
    We decided to get just one, to see if we liked it. I simply do not have the words for our reactions, which used every facial muscles in both faces. Lady at next table was laughing her head off at us!

    • Hi PMartha … thanks for the kudos on the art work … I particularly like the pumpkin spice cat litter!

      Am I to assume the pumpkin spice latte was not a good experience? Possibly your facial contortions were out of pure ecstasy for such a treat? How could millions of Americans be wrong about Starbucks?

  5. I’m outing you. Come out of the pantry, Richard: my source tells me you’ve been seen enjoying Trader Joe’s pumpkin biscottis.

    • Aaargh, Nancy … Thanks for reading and commenting even if you’re attempting to “out me!”

      I swear on my pumpkin heart of orange-gold that the TJ Pumpkin Spice Biscottis are for Rani … she loves them.

      I do take a bite before I give one to her … after all, I am The Princess’s poison taster!”

      Thanks for all your support …

  6. Out to celebrate our wedding anniversary at Bonefish Grill in Myrtle Beach this week we asked for the dessert menu.
    You guessed it. They had one described thus:
    Homemade by Huss, a secret fan of our infamous pumpkin crime brûlée .

    Bring on the paella and the crab legs, the cornbread stuffing and the lemon butter.
    And pumpkin pie is nice too.

    Love the artwork,

    • Hi maggie … thanks for commenting …

      Pumpkin Pie Creme Brulee … that might work … at least it’s a dessert and not a deodorant!

      I am a bit confused that “cornbread stuffing” is served with paella and crab legs! Thought stuffing was for “holidays only” … unless you’re serving the paella and crab legs for Thanksgiving.

  7. That was my dream list for Thanksgiving. Will have the usual. No tofu turkey here. Enjoy your week.

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