“Let’s Get Ready to Rumble!”

Forget about “The Thrilla’ in Manila” and “The Rumble in the Jungle.”  They were hissy-fits compared to what’s going down.

Two political heavy weights … literally and symbolically … issued the required initial taunts and insults to hold a winner take all “Championship for the Politically Aged.”

Already dubbed the biggest fight since David thwacked Goliath, the Biden-Trump “Match-for-Total-Macho-Male-Stupidity” is the most talked about event since … well, probably yesterday.

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The Tale of the Tape … “sizes-up” the combatants and in this case, paints a truly ugly picture of the two big mouthed behemoths.

Height:

Trump – 6’3” according to his NY State DL and his constituents … taller and mightier than an Oak.

Biden – 6’2” but bends in any wind … known to be a crier and already dubbed by Trump … “The Weeping Willow.”

Weight: 

Trump – yuuge and biggly … some say blubbery … others, big assed.

Biden – aged athletic bulges in all the wrong places … not Trumpian.

Girth: 

Trump – saddle this hoss and ride … he needs the exercise.

Biden – Wife Jill feeds him occasional salads … knows food other than Mickey Dee & KFC.

Hair: 

Trump – None that is really his … your basic million dollar weave job.

Biden – a few surviving nubs battle to be the “last-strand-standing” … Joe sticks with his GI cut.

Tall Tales: 

Trump – Has the advantage in a daily landslide of un-truthisms.

Biden – Has been known to hyperbolate when excited … some  compare him to the now for sure dead, Mark Twain.

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Trump will train at Camp Mar-a-Lago … Biden holed-up with the Clintons in Chappaqua, NY.

Like Amazon, the GOP/DNC Bi-partisan Select Fight Committee … the only bi-partisan effort on this year’s calendar … is receiving bids from interested cities.

Rendville, OH … population of 38 … offered to host the fight as soon as they finish building bunk beds in Homer’s barn to accommodate the press.

Raiford, FL … home of the Florida State Prison (aka Raiford) wants to host the fight in hopes of offering their facilities as Trump’s post-presidency residence.  The fight would serve as a Realtor’s Open House with a tour and refreshments.

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Vegas set the odds at 2:1 that one or both of the lard-asses will get stuck in the ropes as they enter the ring.

Odds are 5:1 that Trump collapses in his Red Corner when they yank the stool out from under him for the first round.

Odds for cardiac arrest before the end of the first round are set at 2:1 for Trump … in spite of his Navy doctor’s health report.

Biden is slightly favored at 4:1 to at least throw a punch before the end of round 1.

It’s even money that Trump’s lawyers will sue Biden at the opening bell for the first round.

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As for Seriously Absurd … this is two old-fat-white-guys in a stupid political stunt that will produce nothing beyond more bloviating … but Seriously Absurd’s got a $100 riding on Biden.

Just sayin’ …

“Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!”

Prez 45’s created an opportunity for Betsy DeVos to shine … as his own “Special Woman of History” … vying to replace Betsy Ross.

BDV’s been given her own Klieg lighted stage … a national commission charged with making our schools safe.

And, her “Safe School Fight Song” undoubtedly will be that well known WWII chant!

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Just in case you’ve forgotten … BDV’s the one who thought it was a stellar idea to arm teachers out West.

“Aha,” you ask … “Is that the hotbed of school shooter incidents?”

Nope … it’s where teachers allegedly cower in fear of grizzly bear attacks.

Yep … our current “Secretary of Dismantleing Education” proposed arming those quaking teachers so they could pop a few caps into an enraged, mouth foaming, bear claw shredding, 10’ grizzly, marauding through school hallways … without a hall pass.

In spite of that “grizzly” flash of brilliance … and his earlier statements that all commissions are nothing but “talk-talk-talk”… 45 has empowered BDV to head his newest Federal Commission.

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With ears to the wall and balls-out determination, the crack Seriously Absurd staff garnered inside information on some of the Commission’s topics.

Arming teachers and staff isn’t enough …

Under the military tactical tutelage of Blackwater, her brother’s security firm, BDV proposes the training and arming of high school seniors.

The NRA … supporting any way to increase gun sales … promises to exhume Charlton Heston and his “cold, dead hands” to schedule personal appearances at participating school rallies.

Stronger support for Homeland Security’s “See something – Do something” slogan …

The Commission plans an AP college credit course for spotting and turning in illegal aliens.

Students would receive extra credit when the illegal alien is deported and his family devastated.  BDV has already insured acceptance of this AP course credit at all Evangelical Christian Colleges.

More “real life business experience” for students …

Walk-outs, demonstrations, and picnic trips to state capitols aren’t the best ways to prepare for the future.

Instead, every public school student will be required to enroll in a special 4-year “Amway Pyramid-Scheme-Course.”

BDV says it’s the only way to teach students her family axiom: You only make money if you get to the top!

She vows that this will harden high school students to the competition so they understand that lying and deception are the tools necessary to … “Make America Great Again!”

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It was reported that when asked if these were the best ways to improve school safety, BDV replied, “You sound just like that whiney-gunless-wonder-flag-sewing-b***h, Betsy Ross!”

Just sayin’ …

Teddy Roosevelt’s spinning in his grave.

The Vermont Teddy Bear Company’s feeling the pressure.

The world renowned Steiff Company in Germany is in daily meetings … all preparing for the worst.  And folks … it’s coming … Bear-mageddon!

There’s a war in the “Bear House” and it’s upsetting the delicate Teddy Bear world balance.

This is bigger than any “trumped-up trade war” … more precarious than the North Korean, Iranian and Russian threats combined … thicker and taller than any damn wall!

We’re in the midst of “Trumpy Bear Wars!”

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Yes … The Trumpy Bear is here … and can be yours for two EZ installments of $19.95 … plus handling & shipping.

No … it’s not a blow-up “sex-bear-doll.”

And no … it doesn’t have a pull string to produce a growling … “Oh Baby, that’s it, that’s it!” or “Don’t stop now!”

It’s a plump plush brown bear complete with “Trump Hair” … which you can “style” yourself!

Itty-bitty bear hands dangle from a mock French cuffed dress shirt … and the trademarked “Made in China” bright red tie hangs below Trumpy Bear’s belt buckle.

It’s marketed by a company in Texas … where the bear is manufactured is a company secret.  Let’s take a wild-assed guess … China?  Maybe Russia? Certainly not the USA!

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One buyer decapitated his Trumpy Bear only to discover that just like the real Trump … there’s microfiber filler between its ears.

What did you expect?  An effing Mensa sized brain?

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Find the hidden zipper … no it’s not where you think it is … and you’ll discover a unique Trumpy Bear feature.

Gently probe deep inside and you’ll pull out … no not that thing … a full-body-wrap-American-flag … perfect for those cold lonely evenings you’ll spend watching the video-loop of Trump doing his final “perp-walk” down the White House steps on his way to Marine One … very Nixon-esque!

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Trumpkins are falling all over themselves buying the Trumpy Bear.

They’ve already been spotted on golf carts cruising our nation’s courses … hoisted on poles in front of homes … facing into the wind as Harleys roar down the highway … and yes, sent to our brave GIs fighting in all the places we don’t know about … yet.

Personally … I think its “fab-tastic” that Trumpkins are spending their generous tax returns on Trumpy Bears … as opposed to AR15s.

I just hope that it’s an adult toy … and parents aren’t giving them to their babies!  That would be cruel and …. “unbearable punishment.”

Just sayin’ …

If you think I’m talking about hair styles and gel art … think again oh, icicle licking one!

With a gold medal performance by the Americans at the Pyeongchang Winter Olympics, curling has taken over the US of A faster than a Trumpian Tweetfest.

And in our own typical yuuge and biggly fashion … we’ve taken to this extreme like only Seriously Absurd can … to “Make Curling Great Again.”

Think pizzazz … glamour … glitter … bodies colliding … crowds roaring … and yes, it’s a whole new sexy high fashion scene for the new ECCA (Extreme Curling Clubs of America) … get in on the ground floor … franchise information available on request.

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The ECCA has inked a multi-million dollar contract with Jeff Beezos to bring live curling into every American living room … den, garage, family room, kitchen, breakfast nook, and bathroom.

If you’ve got a video device, you’ll be watching the blood-and-guts action of Extreme Curling … brought to you by Amazon Prime and Whole Foods.

Over a two-year span, Beezos promises a Curling Court in the parking lot of every Whole Foods.  He’s definitely got the room since no one’s shopping there anymore!

Plus, how much runway does a delivery drone need?

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Throw away those tacky little sissy brooms.  We’re introducing Commando-Brooms … brooms that whisk so damn fast you can’t see the bristles.

No more chunky Swedes, Danes or Norwegians on ECCA ice.  Extreme Curling demands the body of Adonis … guys … or the body of Athena … gals.

It also demands the brains of Einstein … without the hair!  We’re talking physics with physiques!

This is glamour-sex-dripping curling … costuming by Vera Wang, Gucci, Donna Karan for the She-males and Calvin Klein, Marc Jacobs, Versace for the He-males.  Think skin!

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ECCA promises to make the WWE look like Romper Room.

The new curling courses are pitfalls of body slams, choke holds, pile drivers … blood-on-the-ice action with every push of the stone.

Big Pharma’s leading the charge when you compete in the ECCA.  No more whining about drug disqualifications  … steroids and PEDs are what’s for breakfast … and lunch … and dinner!

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And to jack up the excitement, ECCA stones are designed by a select munitions committee from Lockheed Martin, Raytheon, Boeing, and Leggo.

Exploding stones … fire bomb stones … napalm stones add “boom-boom” to the ice.

ECCA bi-laws, however, forbid “dirty bomb” stones, mustard or chlorine gas stones, and cluster bomb stones.  Collateral damage wrecks audience participation!

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So all you curling wannabes … get your butts off the couch.  Embrace the sex and mayhem added to curling … and head to the ECCA closest to you!

Just sayin’ …