FLASH … Sex Toys-R-Us is Closing

It’s bad enough that Toys-R-Us has filed for “Liquidation” … probably closing all 754 of its remaining stores.  But the worst is yet to come!

The phone at Seriously Absurd hasn’t stop ringing with rumors from the Interstate-Truck-Stop–Hotline … apparently “Sex-Toys-R-Us” is following in the kid focused footsteps of Toys-R-Us.

The battle for sex toy supremacy between e-commerce and brick-n-mortar retailing has reached an orgasmic end.

Amazon’s Jeff Beezos prematurely leaked to Wall Street that it’s always been a “secret desire of mine to wipe the filthy sex-shops off our interstate landscape.”

“Our Truck Stops have become the red light districts of America.”


Meanwhile … with the closing of T-R-U, parents are outraged that they may no longer get to see, touch and feel toys.

One distraught mother wailed, “How will I be able to know if this is the best toy?  Is it durable?  Will it last?  Does it perform as advertised?  I need some experience before I buy a toy.”

“This is really f**king up my Xmas and B’day plans,” a mother of three told Seriously Absurd.  “For a lousy $30 … ten bucks per kid … I could turn ‘em lose in Toys-R-Us all afternoon.”

“The little savages tore everything apart before they made a ‘buy decision.’  That’s the only way to shop!”


Though the Interstate’s are still humming with trucks … the real humming is coming from the drivers … and it’s all about what’re they’re gonna do when they stop for fuel?

Fill ‘er up and then leave?

“WTF’s going on?” one driver reported to the Absurders.

“Them sex toy stores are as All-American as the food buffet,” said the driver of a huge red Peterbilt.

He went on, “Ain’t nuthin’ better than those canned Del Monte Blue Lake green beans … fresh from the steam tray.  And the creamed chip beef … cain’t beat it!”

Another driver, brandishing his newer model sex doll stated, “If there ain’t no more toys … I ain’t botherin’ tuh stop.  Don’t print mah name … but mah handle’s, ‘Ah Cain’t Git Enuff.’”


A female driver, jamming her dildo into her rear pocket said, “If these stores go away, how will I really know if this is the best toy?  Is it durable?  Will it last?  Does it perform as advertised?  I need some experience before I buy a toy.”

She continued expressing real fear that if Sex-Toys-R-Us closes all its shops, truck stops could soon join America’s drive-in theaters … abandoned roadside rolling mounds of green Kudzu.



Just sayin’ …

6 thoughts on “FLASH … Sex Toys-R-Us is Closing

  1. “prematurely leaked”
    “huge red Peterbilt”
    “secret desire”
    “dildo in her rear pocket”
    I think you had too much fun writing this one!

    • Hi Steve … thanks for reading and commenting … when the idea hit me, I went straight to the computer and started “banging” out the blog … I thought about making a “big pink Peterbilt” loving the alliteration and image, but thought only a big red one would be really manly.

      Hmmm … based on my reply, i think you’re right … I’m still having too much fun!

  2. Sometimes, Oh Seriously Absurd One, I worry about you.
    From the loofahs on golf carts at The Villages to the sex toys at truck stops, I’m starting to sense a recurring theme…

    • Hi TL …Thanks for reading and for all your support … I think a recurring theme about sex is much better than guns, death, nuclear weapons, Terrorists, etc. I mean what would you rather face … a loaded dildo or a loaded AR15?

  3. Uh oh. Judging from previous comments, you’ve outed yourself on this one good buddy.

    • Hi Gail … thanks for being brave enough to reply … after reading this blog, Mari said : “This one’s for the boys, Richard!” Thanks for being one of the trucker “good buddies.”

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