Life’s falling apart in Maine … the State of hard-rock-logical-thinkers … down to earth farmers … “ya cahn’t get thaih from hearh” direction givers … and of course, Steven King’s throat curdling life threatening horror novels!

“Yeahup” … that Maine.

Home of Maine lob-stah … the lob-stah roll … lob-stah Thermidor, Newburg, bisque … or any of the bazillion other ways to serve the red crustaceans.

“What?” you say.

Rock-bed Maine falling apart?  Tell me … tell me more!

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Before you report me to PETA … or call my therapist … or my wife … let me offer you a disclaimer about, Maine lob-stahs and state drug laws.

Maine has lob-stahs in abundance … Maine is also somewhat-quasi-nearly-okay with recreational pot … and, Maine has a lot of lob-stah pots, too.

So it’s evident that Maine, lob-stahs and pot or pots, all work together harmoniously.

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Is it any wonder, therefore, that at least one zany Maine restaurateur … for those of you who are not conversant in menu French, that’s “a person who owns or is known to be in the restaurant business” … has blended all three of these ideas into one news grabbing, Maine shattering moment.

So relax all you believers that animals of all sorts/kinds feel our pain … if only we could feel theirs.

You now have a new idol to follow … Charlotte Gill, owner and head chef at Charlotte’s Legendary Lobster Pound.

This leading Maine-iac culinary artist‘s “smoking” her lob-stahs by placing them into tanks of cold water infused with “Maryjane-reefer-marijuana-dope-pot” smoke.

According to Gill, she thinks a stoned lobstah is a happier crustacean as it’s plunged to its inevitable end.

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I’m just a simple Florida Boy who don’t know nuttin’ about Maine type lob-stahs.

But it’s quite possible that this is a waste of good Maine dope.

What we need is a “lob-stah whisperer” who can determine a level of “lob-stah happiness.”  Otherwise we should let Charlotte live in her own web of humane treatment of lob-stah … regardless of whether they “feel pain.”

And … just a thought … if we can produce vintageless wine via molecular analysis and reconstruction … and 3D print edible pizza … why don’t we concentrate our collective scientific thought to spare those real and alive lob-stah and produce “fake” lob-stah for our culinary lob-stahphiles?

Besides … when was the last time you complained about the fake crab meat in your Sushi?

Just sayin’ …

“I’ll have a pepperoni pizza … extra cheese … oh, and a new set of ears, please.”

3D printers are here … and they work.  Consternation, outrage and “OMG-we’re-going-to-destroy-ourselves” are building.

Maybe right-wing-reactionary-crowds won’t focus so much on wiping Hillary & Helen Keller from Texas history books … or ripping out the “magic pages” from Harry Potter library books … or during the Holidays, continue the freedom-fight to yell “Merry Christ-Mass” at Jews walking to Synagogue.

With 3D printers in the wrong hands … or maybe they’re the “right hands” … we’re sure to witness yet another major cultural upheaval.

Mary Shelley … as ye be rolling in your 1851 grave … make way for the “New and Improved Frankenstein!”

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It isn’t much of a leap of faith to move from 3D pizza … molecular constructed   vintage wines … and vegan beef … to bridge the creation abyss of real life and human creation a la Dr. Victor Frankenstein … who crudely stitched stolen body parts together to create his “new life.”

Creating “life” as a lab experiment is here … and we’re surely not ready for it.

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In the 3D Frankenstein Realm of created body parts, we already have human ears … maybe President Obama would be interested in a less Dumbo-like set.

The Dutch recently fitted a woman with a full-sized-see-thru skull … which didn’t look a bit like an NFL helmet.

And IKEA’s teamed up with gaming folks to 3D print chairs for those addicted fulltime gamers who suffer from “numbass.”  Their butts’re scanned … then a 3D printer builds a butt pad based on exact replication of their ass contours.

Another contribution to better living … or at least fewer hemorrhoids.

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And we all know who’s vitally interested in 3D printer replications … of himself.

Seriously Absurd has it on good authority that Nixon’s bowling alleys are gonezo … replaced by a flock of 3D printers running amok in the White House basement.

Under the guidance of none other than “Mad Doc Ronny Jackson” … erstwhile and disgraced Physician to the President … 3D’ers spit out various and sundry body parts … based on you-know-who’s DNA, cells and blood.

It’s only a matter of time before Robert Mueller won’t know who to charge … the House won’t know who to impeach … and the Senate won’t know who to convict.

The stage is set for the Mother of all 3D Nightmares … occurring right under our taxpayer noses … emerging piece-by-piece … it’s “Frankentrump.”

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I rarely pray … but I am now …

Just sayin’ …

In an unanticipated Reality TV coupe de tȃte, diehard Trumpest Geraldo Rivera has volunteered to seek out the alleged documents sealed in David Pecker’s National Enquirer safe.

Leaning on the success he had with the search for Al Capone’s vault … Geraldo’s busy seeking a TV special broadcast contract with anybody who will return his calls.

Trump has already tweeted that he thinks Geraldo’s a “nice guy and fully capable of cracking Pecker’s safe.”  Trump also disavows all knowledge of the contents of the safe.

Pecker was not available for comment.

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Rumors abound about the safe’s contents.

According to the FBI it most likely contains self incriminating love letters between Trump and his BFF, Vladie Boy.

According to the three top FBI agents in the history of the Bureau … Comey, Strzok and McCabe … the safe could contain copies of the Selfies used by Vlad depicting Trump in compromising situations with the Russian President … and his horse … without shirts.

Pecker was available … but refused to comment.

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Congressional Republican Devin Nunes, chair of the House Intelligence Committee … a misnomer if there ever was one … and the guy who has stated that it’s his mission to singlehandedly derail the Mueller investigation … has called a special meeting of the Committee to require Democrats on the committee to find the safe, secure the documents, and deliver them directly to him so he can sneak them to the Oval office in the dead of night … any night … since he’s always up for a clandestine trip.

Pecker was spotted in public … wearing duct tape over his mouth.

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Meanwhile, Melania has secretly hired Omarossa to inveigle Pecker into giving her the combination to the safe so she … Melania … could read the documents first … remove all photos of her … and then return all documents to Pecker so AMI could start running all the stories about her soon-to-be-ex-husband.

The First Lady’s Office issued a statement that apparently indicates she no longer cares … and asks the question, “Would you?”

This change in the wording on her infamous designer jacket is her final word on whether she really cares … maybe … we think … or maybe not.

Pecker, though he did not comment … was seen scampering back to AMI headquarters with a Cheshire cat grin on his face.

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Meanwhile, the crack Seriously Absurd Safe Cracker Committee has located the Pecker safe and unloaded the contents.

Guess what?

The contents once and for all confirm that Trump’s an incompetent-womanizing-bigoted-racist-misogynist-lying-dirt-bag.

Glad we could clear up that piece of news.

Just sayin’ …