Lonely Heart Trumpers

Poor Trumpers.  Apparently they can’t find anyone to go out with and share a shoulder to cry on.

What?  You mean to say that you’re not “date bait” once you align yourself with … a vile-red-MAGA-hat-wearing, lying, voter-suppressing, anti-women’s-rights, genital-grabbing, fascist, racist, misogynist, isolationist, family-separating, economy-wrecking, job-stultifying, wage-stagnating, oligarch-backing, international-murder-supporting, campaign-mob-violence-inciting temporary resident in our White House?

Oh my … what’s a horny Trumpist to do?

Well … suck it up Right-Winger-of-my-Heart!  Shudder-shudder … there’s now a place just for you.


Rushing to the rescue of these lonely-heartless Trumpers are three dating sites… one claiming to “Make America Date Again” … how quaint is that?

Trump.Dating … DonaldDaters.com … TrumpSingles.com.

Why risk wasting a totally mediocre Trump Steak dinner and a bottle of the finest Trump Champagne on someone who turns out to be a Bernie Bro … or Hillary Hawk?

Or worse … a climate–change-believing-Green-Partier?


DonaldDaters won the distinction of being the first site to launch for “Date-a-Trumpers.” Within days, it also lost all its users’ data.  Yep … that was a quite a “Launch-and-Crash.”

Web maestros at DonaldDaters are reportedly trying to blame the leak on a 300-pound-Cheeto-eating-basement-dweller.  But we all know it was those pesky rogue “Blue-Bros” … operating under the aegis of Hillary and her “Lock-Her-Up-Servers.”


The Donald himself would quickly be ousted as a member of the sites.

Grounds for terminating your membership include use of hate speech or other offensive language …  so, looking at someone’s photo and telling them … “I want to “grab your p***y” … would probably lead to your demise.

Likewise offensive language based on “physical or mental disability” (like mocking a NYT journalist) … “national origin or ancestry” (like Pocahontas) … “race, color, religious creed” (like maligning all religious and ethnic minorities) … would be “Goodbye, Donald” offenses.

As for good old American family values … you can feel safe that homophobia is digitally alive and well … at least on Trump.Dating.  They don’t care if you’re married or single … but evidently answering “yes” to being gay is auto-kick-out status.


My guess is that if I were seeking the company of a morally bankrupt fascist, I could save some bucks and dating time by cruising through the Trump sites.

Fortunately I’m secure in my Socialist-Left-Wing-Open-Borders-Everything-Free lifestyle.

Good thing November 6th is right around the corner … one can always cast a vote for a better way.

Just sayin’ …

Disneytizing Grimm Tales

Many of us spent our childhoods watching Disney films thinking that “When we wished upon a star …” good things would happen.

Walt and his minions at Disney sanitized stories … whitewashing the blood, gore and fear from early fairy tales … brainwashing millions who are now confused, old, people … totally unprepared for our current world!

If Walt had been smarter, he’d taken a lesson from the Brothers Grimm, Carlo Collodi, Hans Christian Andersen and the myriad of other moralists who told it like it was.

Back then, when we misbehaved, told lies, or didn’t wash behind our ears … there was “Hell fire and damnation to pay!”


Look at Cinderella.

In the “Disneytized” version … podophiliac Prince finds girl with perfect foot … slips shoe on foot … kisses newly-foot-crowned princess … they live happily ever after.

Jake and Willy … those Brothers Grimm … had more imagination even though “Menchikaboolaroo” was never mentioned in their tale.

In the grim version … “If the ‘shoe don’t fit,’ you must … cut off some toes or slice the heel.”

So instructed the Grimms’ warped mother when she gave her daughters a butcher knife and demanded they … “put their best foot forward!”

At “Shoe Time” … the Prince thought something wasn’t quite right when he noticed a gnarly bloody foot headed toward his glass Jimmy Choo.

Hey … no one said the wicked mother was a Mensa Society Grand Dame and not just another greedy mother insisting her daughters “marry up.”


Take a quick hop over the Alps to Italy for another Disney remake … Pinocchio … in which Walt collides with Pinocchio’s creator, Carlo Collodi.

“Happily-ever-after” Walt brings Pinocchio to life, escaping the perils of his own wooden-headed-stupidity … and allows him to continue as a happy little boy skipping down the lane with a moralizing chirp-talking cricket perched on his shoulder.

Collodi’s Pinocchio was no Disney creation.  Walt had a redemptive and moralistic side to him and his Pinocchio revealed that!

Collodi, however, wanted to tell the truth about children … especially boys.  He thought boys basically were “scummy little rodents” …  dirty, disobedient and grubby little liars.

And the townfolks agreed with Collodi thinking he was pretty damn accurate.

Instead of “happily ever after,” Collodi’s wooden-wonder-boy was hanged by his pencil-thin neck by angry townfolk …  when he told one too many lies.


Hmmm … could be if “Little-Boy-Trumpty” had seen this version instead of the “Dizneytized” one, he might’ve thought twice about telling over 5,000+ lies as President.

Too late now … but there’s always hope for a “public lynching.”

Just sayin’ …

Wretched, wretched cauliflower!

If you think those veggie-loving-deprive-us-of-our-meat-and-chicken-and-fish crazies were intrusive when they pushed, shoved and catapulted kale into our veggie-less lives  … then you ain’t seen nuttin.’

Wait ‘til you see what the cauliflower huggers are up to!

Those bumpy white knobby looking monadnocks of the veggie world were what you bought because there were no other veggies available that day!

Now it has its own fricking bin … and all of a sudden they’re in every aisle of the store … extruded, boxed, dried, frozen, flattened, or creamed.


Don’t be telling me about how good cauliflower is for me.  I’m not really interested in the low-calorie-no-fat-high-everything-else numbers.

I’m only interested in wondering when I’ll bite into a bacon cheese burger and discover some form of cauliflower … instead of cheese, beef or … OMG … bacon!

Just how far will these veggie hugging maniacs go?


Aaargh … leave it to California … the golden raisin paradise for all the true food crazies in the USA.

They’re serving Cauliflower T-bone, Prime Cotê de Cauliflower and thick slabs of cauliflower to unsuspecting carnivores.

According to one food critic … these “cauli-steaks absolutely sing with flavor.”  And they’re served without ketchup!


As for market comparisons with any of the other “trendy veggies,” the data … yes at times I do look at data … indicates that cauliflower sales have a rough time just keeping up with its dreaded green Italian cousin … broccoli!

There’s no way it sells like kale … or sweet potatoes, fresh corn, or even a head of crappy iceberg lettuce.

In fact … it appears that all this hullabaloo over cauliflower may be nothing more than smart ad campaigns and “payola” … instead of pay for play … we have pay for menu spots!

Something’s rotten … and it ain’t in Denmark!


To Hell with Cauliflower pizza crust … rice … and puffed cauli-pretzels.


If we’re gonna bastardize this recognizable crunchy, knobby, white veggie mound that’s usually a leftover on the crudité plate … then let’s go all out!

Fermented St. Cauli Girl IPA … or California Cauli Box Wine … extruded knobby little Cauli Crax sprinkled with a hint of Sea Salt.

Or even better … trick your kids into eating it … a box of Puffed Cauliflowerettes … different colors … coated with brown sugar and surrounded by mini  marshmallows … a bright pink dancing pig with a cauliflower hat on the box front!

Just sayin’ …

The Canadians are attacking … The Canadians are attacking!

Yep … the coastline and estuaries of Maine and Massachusetts are under attack by Canadian savages.

In this case … by an ultra-aggressive crustacean … dubbed the “cockroach of the sea” because “once ya got ‘em ya just can’t get rid of ‘em” … Canadian Green Crabs.


Since these miniature replicas of the cult SciFi movie “Attack of the Crab Monsters” are exiting Canada, the Canadian effort to curtail their population is underwhelming.

“Let ‘em Go South” and “Sic ‘em Crabbies” parties are held every weekend by enthusiastic Canadians who are tired of all the tariff bullying … insults hurled at their poster boy Prime Minister … and criticisms of their beer and scarlet serge Mountie uniforms emanating from south of their border.


But … by violating US borders … especially without proper papers … these hard shelled Pit Bulls of the ocean may face massive US retaliation.

Perhaps even family separation … Green Crab Internment Camps in the hot Texas sun … or arrest and transport back to Canada!

God forbid if “you-know-who” in the White House catches a Fox & Friends’ discussion of these “Illegals” crawling sideways across our border from Canada!

Do I hear “Build a Sea Wall … Canada will pay for it?”


On the commercial front of this “We Got Crabs War” … and true to our best practices … we’re looking to China to invent an automatic crab meat vacuum that sucks the meat right out of the little green beasts … Aaaah, good ‘ole American ingenuity!

Plus … since we’re the only predators of the Green Crab … led by the famed restaurateurs … Legal Seafoods, Boston … we’re frantically searching for ways to soothe our capitalist instincts and make money off the little buggers.   Crab Fests … Green Crab broths … seasonal dishes are migrating onto restaurant menus … we may soon have a new trendy seafood item!

Can The Food Network be the crabs’ next stop?  “The secret ingredient for tonight’s Top Chef is … the Green Crab!”

And in Massachusetts, Crab Warrior Bounty Hunters dump 1000’s of pounds of the crustaceans in organic farm compost fills … at 40 cents per pound!

And just like those sneaking across our southernmost border, these immigrants are also “of color” … this time green!

Just sayin’ …