The Canadians are attacking … The Canadians are attacking!

Yep … the coastline and estuaries of Maine and Massachusetts are under attack by Canadian savages.

In this case … by an ultra-aggressive crustacean … dubbed the “cockroach of the sea” because “once ya got ‘em ya just can’t get rid of ‘em” … Canadian Green Crabs.


Since these miniature replicas of the cult SciFi movie “Attack of the Crab Monsters” are exiting Canada, the Canadian effort to curtail their population is underwhelming.

“Let ‘em Go South” and “Sic ‘em Crabbies” parties are held every weekend by enthusiastic Canadians who are tired of all the tariff bullying … insults hurled at their poster boy Prime Minister … and criticisms of their beer and scarlet serge Mountie uniforms emanating from south of their border.


But … by violating US borders … especially without proper papers … these hard shelled Pit Bulls of the ocean may face massive US retaliation.

Perhaps even family separation … Green Crab Internment Camps in the hot Texas sun … or arrest and transport back to Canada!

God forbid if “you-know-who” in the White House catches a Fox & Friends’ discussion of these “Illegals” crawling sideways across our border from Canada!

Do I hear “Build a Sea Wall … Canada will pay for it?”


On the commercial front of this “We Got Crabs War” … and true to our best practices … we’re looking to China to invent an automatic crab meat vacuum that sucks the meat right out of the little green beasts … Aaaah, good ‘ole American ingenuity!

Plus … since we’re the only predators of the Green Crab … led by the famed restaurateurs … Legal Seafoods, Boston … we’re frantically searching for ways to soothe our capitalist instincts and make money off the little buggers.   Crab Fests … Green Crab broths … seasonal dishes are migrating onto restaurant menus … we may soon have a new trendy seafood item!

Can The Food Network be the crabs’ next stop?  “The secret ingredient for tonight’s Top Chef is … the Green Crab!”

And in Massachusetts, Crab Warrior Bounty Hunters dump 1000’s of pounds of the crustaceans in organic farm compost fills … at 40 cents per pound!

And just like those sneaking across our southernmost border, these immigrants are also “of color” … this time green!

Just sayin’ …

5 thoughts on “The Canadians are attacking … The Canadians are attacking!

  1. What a crabby column! Curmudgeonly crustaceans form Canada crashing our coastline? Cripes! Call the Coast Guard! Or cook ‘em.
    Crab cakes? Cream of crab soup? Crab quiche? Crab croquettes? We can claw our way thru this. Carefully. MACA: Make America Crabby Again! (Oh, wait. it already is.)

    • Aaaah TL … relying on alliteration is always a good read … love the idea of a “MACA” hat … thanks for checking in and making me smile …

      • Not to step on the toes of the bromance you two have going on, but I’d like to talk about me!

        I do sometimes worry about being called an alliterative and derivative illiterate, but maybe that just me …

  2. Sea Wall?

    I think you mean a C Wall that will keep both illegal Canadians (along with their cheap drugs, friendly attitudes and “ehs?”) AND Crabs out of America.

    Shocked that the “paying for it” wasn’t part of the NAFTA 2.0 deal.

    • Hi Mike … Thanks for reading and commenting … loved the play on words with “C Wall.” Who wants a bunch of nice folks ruining our death fight politics! Besides, if they left Canada where would we go when we reach the point we just wan to leave and go somewhere nicer?

      I’ll bet the “charges for the C Wall” are in the fine print of NAFTA 2.0.

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