Wretched, wretched cauliflower!

If you think those veggie-loving-deprive-us-of-our-meat-and-chicken-and-fish crazies were intrusive when they pushed, shoved and catapulted kale into our veggie-less lives  … then you ain’t seen nuttin.’

Wait ‘til you see what the cauliflower huggers are up to!

Those bumpy white knobby looking monadnocks of the veggie world were what you bought because there were no other veggies available that day!

Now it has its own fricking bin … and all of a sudden they’re in every aisle of the store … extruded, boxed, dried, frozen, flattened, or creamed.

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Don’t be telling me about how good cauliflower is for me.  I’m not really interested in the low-calorie-no-fat-high-everything-else numbers.

I’m only interested in wondering when I’ll bite into a bacon cheese burger and discover some form of cauliflower … instead of cheese, beef or … OMG … bacon!

Just how far will these veggie hugging maniacs go?

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Aaargh … leave it to California … the golden raisin paradise for all the true food crazies in the USA.

They’re serving Cauliflower T-bone, Prime Cotê de Cauliflower and thick slabs of cauliflower to unsuspecting carnivores.

According to one food critic … these “cauli-steaks absolutely sing with flavor.”  And they’re served without ketchup!

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As for market comparisons with any of the other “trendy veggies,” the data … yes at times I do look at data … indicates that cauliflower sales have a rough time just keeping up with its dreaded green Italian cousin … broccoli!

There’s no way it sells like kale … or sweet potatoes, fresh corn, or even a head of crappy iceberg lettuce.

In fact … it appears that all this hullabaloo over cauliflower may be nothing more than smart ad campaigns and “payola” … instead of pay for play … we have pay for menu spots!

Something’s rotten … and it ain’t in Denmark!

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To Hell with Cauliflower pizza crust … rice … and puffed cauli-pretzels.

Boooorrrrr-ing!

If we’re gonna bastardize this recognizable crunchy, knobby, white veggie mound that’s usually a leftover on the crudité plate … then let’s go all out!

Fermented St. Cauli Girl IPA … or California Cauli Box Wine … extruded knobby little Cauli Crax sprinkled with a hint of Sea Salt.

Or even better … trick your kids into eating it … a box of Puffed Cauliflowerettes … different colors … coated with brown sugar and surrounded by mini  marshmallows … a bright pink dancing pig with a cauliflower hat on the box front!

Just sayin’ …

14 thoughts on “Wretched, wretched cauliflower!

  1. Alas, we all grew up watching Lassie. We learned to love Collies. Anything that even SOUNDS like “Collie” subconsciously appeals to us. Add the word “flower” to the name and we all just roll over…hoping someone will scratch our bellies…and feed us pizza…no matter how bad that pizza is.
    SO GRAB YOUR SHARPIES! Let’s re-brand this noxious veg! Spelling can be our friend! Cross out the “cauliflower” signs and write in, “Pit bull flour.” Then we’ll see if ANYONE ever brings that stuff home again!

    • Nice try, TL … but a quick foray into Dr. Googleland tells me that “cauliflower” is derivative from 16th century French … meaning cabbage flower. Your idea of linking it “Pit Bulls,” though a creative effort just doesn’t fit … I agree that it would have a “neggie veggie effect,” but then that would impact a lot of cauliflower farmers and we wouldn’t want to cause more problems than Humpty Trumpty has already inflicted on our farmers.

      Thanks for reading and all your support … “Cauli-Huss”

  2. Richard, there is a certain place in anti veggie hell for croutons like you. And remember that Christmas is just a few blogs away and that lump of coal may very well become a lump of blackened cauliflower steak!

    • Ooooouie, Michael … A Veggie Rampager is hot on my tail! I think Dante had a special ring in his “Inferno” for those of us who do not lust after the Cauli-Flower.

      Thanks for reading and I’m looking forward to a gooey lump in the toe of my Xmas stocking!

      Hmmm … I do rather resemble a crouton as I age and dry out!

  3. After reading your slam of cauliflower, I rushed to Sprouts to buy two heads to make my famous cauliflower mashed potatoes with sour cream and butter. So yummy! Thank you for reminding me how rich and delicious cauliflower can be! Vivan los vegetarianos!

    • Aaaah, G.L. … It’s a good thing when you apply ample amounts of sour cream and butter to that “French Fleur” we call cauliflower.

      A true Cauli-Lover would just bite hunks off the head, thoroughly masticate and then swallow with a sour look on her face … That’s the way the French Fleur should be eaten! Buck up, my Lassie!

      Thanks for commenting and your support … Abrazos

  4. Thanks for the laughs Richard.
    I must confess that I have been enjoying many delicious cauliflower creations over the past six months and I look forward to recreating some of them once we are back in the “hood”. I may need to force some of my experiments on you.

    • Alas, Poor Rachel … Unless your cauli-concoction follows the footsteps of your outrageous French Toast dish, i think I’ll fight you on cauliflower experiments!

      A topping of rich, egg creamy brown sugar and butter could even dress-up cauliflower to where it might be edible!

      Nice try … and thanks for reading and commenting

  5. I think Rachel’s gonna to tie you down with some hemp rope and force-feed you pureed broccolini … with a kale-banana smoothie chaser …

    • Hi Mike … That’s quite a vision … May I suggest silky scarf-like ties for this forced feeding … a nice Italian Brandy might dress-up the broccolini and I know a big dose of the rum would smooth out the smoothie!

      i could get into that … Thanks for reading and your welcome addition to my food experiments!

  6. Thought you might be on to something about a cauliflower campaign. But the only organized effort I could find was in the UK some years ago:
    (Link deleted by WordPress).

    Meanwhile, recently I bought a bag of cauliflower pretzels which are nice and crunchy and taste okay if dipped in something flavorful such as satay or Nutella. And they are vegan, GF, non-GMO AND Kosher. What’s not to like? (Don’t answer that; I know.)

    Granted, there’s not much to cauliflower, but it’s very blandness is what makes it so useful from a nutritional standpoint. It can be added to anything, such as kale, sweet potatoes, corn . . .

    But I get the impression there’s no changing your mind about it at this point. Just hope nobody makes it a secret ingredient in your goulash.

    • Hi Gail … Wow … you’ve put some work into your comment! I did find some mentions of the “cauliflower marketing association” pushing this “French Fleur” … Sorry that my blog can’t allow links.

      I thought my cauli-suggestions might be something for Big Food to jump on … especially St. Cauli Girl brewski! Might give drinkers “the trots” since cauliflower is a member of the cabbage family … but that’s the risk we run (pun intended).

      Truth be told … I’ll eat raw cauliflower with the proper dip!

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