The Real Xmas Wars

War’s been declared on Christmas … or as I like to say, Xmas!

Gird-up … this war’s being fought on several fronts and there’s no dearth of weaponry available.

Some folks are flame-throwing Christian soldiers marching off to Starbucks … apparently HQ Central Command for the Xmas Wars!

Others are “War Watchers” … who chronicle events as each salvo’s fired.

Then there are the Christmas War Deniers who … just like climate change deniers and Holocaust deniers … deny that Starbucks even has cups!


Involvement in war requires propagandists and in WWll, they were Axis Sally, Tokyo Rose and Lord Haw-Haw. 

In Korea it was Seoul City Sue  …  and in Viet Nam, Hanoi Hannah waved the VC propaganda flag.

Not to be out done, our War on Xmas has launched salvos assaulting our eyes and ears with charges that explode in front of us declaring … “There’s a war on the Manger!”

Attacks used to come from Fox News’ Bill “Excuse-my-hand-up-your-skirt-and-my-weenie-wagging-in-your-face” O’Reilly … but now emanate from Sean Hannity who carries the Fox Xmas red and green propaganda banner against the heathen masses.


Armies of Starbucks’ holiday cups bombard the pagan invasion of the “Holy Jesus and Mother of Merry Christmas” throngs. 

Starbucks’ refusal to state Merry Christmas on every cup is proof enough that this is indeed a take no prisoners holy war.

The accused war criminal Starbucks is solely responsible for “coffee-cup-carpet-bombing” Baby Jesus worshipers with heathen, hedonistic, unholy messages like “Happy Holidays” and “Seasons Greetings.”

What more proof do you need that this is a real war?


If the religious Christian soldiers are serious about retaking their once sacred Christian ground … known as “malls” … which house the pagan Santa behind “spiritual shields” … then why don’t they invade the hallowed malls with their own Christmas Jesus?

Jesus “loves the little children … all the children of the world.”  What better way to spread the Christian word than a messianic Jesus invasion of the few malls left in America?

Kids sit on Santa’s lap … why not let them sit on Jesus’ lap … and ask him to bring them “a gift for Christmas?” 

After all … Jesus got gifts from the Wise Guys when he was born.


Oust Santa … after all he’s just another old, fat white guy … and put Jesus on the new Christmas throne.

Just sayin’ … 

7 thoughts on “The Real Xmas Wars

  1. I’m confused. What’s a mall? Doesn’t everybody get a quicker fix for their shopping addictions online these days? And don’t all the little kiddies now gather ‘round the soothing glow of their iPhone screens while slicing, dicing and otherwise dismembering their virtual friends and family members while playing Grand Theft Auto or Mortal Kombat? And, just who is this “Santa” person? It sounds Hispanic. Like “Santa Barbara” or “Santa Fe.” Are you suggesting we build a wall out of Starbucks’ Happy Holidays cups…I’m confused!

  2. Let’s simplify the issue and move all the pagan aspects of the holiday to the Winter Solstice and leave Christmas to Jesus. (P.S. — Happy whatever!)

  3. The Western development of Christmas has filled this part of the world with undying masterpieces from the arts of myth and music and lights.
    Material enlightenment …perhaps, but we abide in a “material” world… Right?
    …as long as Virginias exist there will be a Santa Claus. N’est ce pas?
    Too serious? … i blame
    too many cups of Starbucks Peppermint/mocha holiday blend, $7.99 at Walgreens (even tho the [g’damm] sign said “$6.99”) but i wuz usin’ EBT anyhow.

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