So you wanna to be an Ivy League Santa?

Is it just me … or is there a Santa on every corner … in every mall … in every department store stuck in the back corner of the toy department?

Santa’s at December birthday parties … office Xmas parties.

There’s also a worldwide schedule for an event called “Santacon” … from Hong Kong-to-Delray-Beach-to-Paris, a Santa-inspired drunken mob pub crawl … where you dress like Santa and make a Xmas ass out of yourself.

But the real Xmas question is …

“Will the Evangelicals combat these Santa pagans … create a competitive worldwide “Jesuscon” pub crawl … and seat sweet Jesus in every mall?


Even if you’re an old fat white guy with a beard … and can belt out a “Ho, ho, ho” … you might not be eligible to join the ranks of the highly trained and skilled jolly old saints of Xmas … much less join the ranks of the Fraternal Order of Real Bearded Santas!

Apparently there are Santas … and then there are “Santas.”

And to be in that “real Santa” category …  you need to go to Santa school.  Yep … you heard that right … Santas are trained, not born!


According to a CBS News report the CWH Santa School in Midland, MI is “The Harvard of Santa schools.”  You too, can be an Ivy League Santa!

At a competitor school, first time Santas receive a Bachelor’s Diploma in Santa Clausology … your eyes are not deceiving you.

Second time attendees receive a Master’s Diploma … and those who can’t get enough of the “How to Enjoy your Cookies and Milk” course and return for more “Clausing” … receive an Advanced Master’s Diploma.

Only the advanced Santas are taught the intricacies of “How to Hold a Baby with Soaked Diapers and not Piss-off the Parents or Ruin your $800 Santa Suit” course.


The bottom line in all this “Ho-ho-ho” stuff is that a good Santa leads to better business. Happy kids mean relaxed parents … relaxed parents translate into more money spent. A Santa or Ms. Claus who can charm the kids warms up the credit cards of the moms and the dads.


I dunno … but commercializing Jolly Ole Saint Nick like this is truly disgusting.  I think my only recourse is to binge watch my two favorite Xmas movies … Billy Bob Thornton’s huge hits … “Bad Santa” and “Bad Santa-2.”


In the immortal words of Clement C. Moore … Xmas Poet Laureate … “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

Just sayin’ …

3 thoughts on “So you wanna to be an Ivy League Santa?

  1. I dunno, I think if someone stuck a beard on YOU and gave you a red ermine-trimmed suit, you could create some seriously absurd doubts as to the existence of one S. Claus in the minds of little children everywhere …

    • Ermine trimmed? You said ermine trimmed? To hell with the red suit … I’d look fabulous trimmed in ermine! Besides, Santa and Xmas is wasted on kids … C’mon, Mike … think about that!

      I do appreciate your support … Boom Boom …

      We’re off to 2019 … thanks

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