Range Wars: “Mama, don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys …”

1954 … Saturday … I hop my bike and pedal to the theater for the Matinee and a box of Milk Duds.

It’s a western … a Range War … between the ranchers who want wide open grazing lands and the sheep herders … the “nesters” … who want fences to keep their sheep from wandering.

The cowboys hate the nesters … beat ‘em up whenever they see ‘em … sometimes kill ‘em.

The white-hatted-hero appears … singlehandedly guns down a bunch of black-hatted-cowboys … rescues the sheepherder’s daughter … settles down with her to raise sheep and no longer roams the Wild West.

The Range War’s over … and the cowboys lost.


2019 … the ranchers … now called cattlemen … are up-in-arms again.

This time it’s not sheepherders … this time they’ve declared war on those damn vegans and vegetarians.

It’s all about their “meatless meat” … tastes like meat, smells like meat, cooks like meat … but is plant based and “meat free.”

If this “meatless meat” catches on … what’s gonna happen with all their damn methane-farting-Beevees?

Yep … it’s a modern Range War … but nowadays cowboys can’t gallop down supermarket aisles blasting away at poor hapless “meatless meat eaters.”


So this war’s being fought in the courts.

And they’re arguing over … “When is meat not a meat?”

The cowboys say … you can’t use our word for “meat” … which is “meat” … especially since your “meat” doesn’t have any “meat” in it.

Uhh … listen up, cowboys … that’s hardly a bumper sticker slogan … and definitely not suitable for the ass end of a Beevee!

You need a little old lady yelling, “Whar’s the beef?”  But Wendy’s beat you to that.


And you need to pay attention to inconvenient but binding legal precedent … the dairymen already sued over “milk” when they took the nut growers to court and said, “We own milk.”  Your almonds aren’t “milk.”  You can’t “milk an almond.”  You can call it almond anything … but not Almond “Milk.”

Hmm, last time I was hunting and gathering in the grocery store, I saw Almond “Milk” still for sale.  Appears that’s another war that didn’t work so well for ya.


Plant eaters may not look rough and tough … but then neither did the nesters or the nut farmers.  And you didn’t exactly mop up the Wild West when you declared war on them.

You might want to reconsider your little “Plant Eater War” and turn to raising fartless-methane-free-Beeves.

The atmosphere would thank you … and you wouldn’t be seen as a wild bunch of thoughtless thugs picking on plant-loving humans.

Just sayin’ …

Could Orange be the New Black … Face?

This just in …

Seriously Absurd reports a vast movement sweeping the US … apparently a spinoff fueled by the Blackface appearance of Virginia Governor Ralph Northam and Attorney General Mark Herring.

In support of public racists … latent racists are moving “out-of-the-closet” popping up wearing “Orangeface.”


It’s the “Rage” and the White House is … enraged.

Stunned Republicans called for the impeachment of Nancy Pelosi … and the appointment of a Special Investigator to get to the bottom of this clear and present danger.

Democrats have been spotted sneakily snickering in committee meetings … and in town hall meetings … they’ve been forced to wear Depends fearing they’ll wet their pants in glee.

According to one Congressman, “For the first time in 2½ years we’ve got something to be happy about!”


Delivering their opening monologues in “Orangeface” … Late Night TV comics experienced ratings tsunamis.

Recognizing an opportunity … Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper launched their latest solo-duet … “You might hate me in Black … but you’ll love me in Orange.”


Special KKK rallies supporting these new racists have sprung up throughout the South … with Klanspeople dancing manically in their new “Orange Rally Robes” around huge bonfires stoked by blazing orange flames.

Not wanting to be left out, counter protesting Black Lives Matter groups are busy hanging “Orangeface” effigy dolls from balconies, tree limbs, yard arms, flag poles, and bus stops.


An orange food coloring shortage has Amazon scrambling to fulfill orders.

To keep up with the 1000’s of daily requests, Amazon employees have suspended participation in all office pools related to the size and identifiable markings on Jeff’s dick.

One Amazonian was quoted as saying, “We’re psyched … it’s like we really have a purpose now.  Everyone deserves to have a viable supply of orange coloring that’s safe to ingest and easy to use.”

On condition of anonymity … another Amazon worker said … “We’re 100% behind Jeff’s Dick Wars against Pecker’s Pecker.”


SNL favorite Alec Baldwin steadfastly refuses to disclose his source for his trademark “Trump Orangeface.”

According to Baldwin, “It’s a closely held NBC secret.  Even if you water-boarded me … I wouldn’t reveal it.”


The national leadership of the NAACP states that they see no racial implications for the “Orangeface” rage.

According to one spokesman, “We’re aware of only one person with an ‘Orangeface’ … and frankly we don’t care what you do to insult or embarrass that Motherf***er.”


Yes, Virginia … there is an “Orangeface” … and it’s definitely replaced Blackface.

Just sayin’ …

What’s Valentine’s Day without “SweetHearts?”


Next Thursday’s Valentine’s Day.  Do you want the VDay good news … or the VDay bad news first?

To Hell with it … you get the bad news first.

Necco … makers of Sweetheart candies is gonzo … kaput … bankrupt.

Their small candy hearts … the ones that are so hard they break your teeth, taste like sidewalk chalk, and come imprinted with those dumbass sayings like “Love Bug” … will be hard to find on the shelves for VDay 2019.

And if you can believe it … they’ll taste even worse because the last production run was late July 2018 … “The Day the Necco Died!”

To add insult to injury since they’re now “collector’s items” … they’ll cost you a small candy-fortune … over $20/pound.


Now … for the good news.

Necco was purchased by the same investment group that brought Hostess Foods’ venerable Twinkies back from the dead … which they turned into a billion dollar nationwide diabetes and obesity feeder.

And they’re promising that the totally inedible little SweetHearts … which rank worse on the “Bad-Seasonal-Candy-Scale” than Halloween candy corn and Easter Peeps … will make a Twinkie sized comeback for VDay 2020.

Who said Capitalists don’t have “hearts?”


So … for those of you who are complete losers and have so little imagination that you rely on SweetHearts for your Sweet Heart … you’re SOL … S**t Outta Luck for VDay 2019!

Here’s a Seriously Absurd endorsed strategy.

If you’re able to score SweetHearts … and your Sweetie is “date code” conscious … take them outta the package and tie them in little bundles with cutesy curly red ribbon.

Then as a kick-off to an entertaining “Day of Love” … stage a “Sweet Heart SweetHearts Treasure Hunt” as a start to your VDay.

If your Love is a bit skeptical, incentivize her on this “Love T-Hunt” with cold champagne at each hidey spot.

With any luck and enough SweetHeart bundles … she’ll be drunky-poo by the end of the hunt and either fall asleep … or lucky you … be raring to go for VDay romp in the rose petals.


If you have any sense and a creative bone in your body … salacious pun intended … try this DIY VDay extravaganza.

Bake a batch of small’ish heart shaped cookies and decorate each cookie with your own version of SweetHearts “love-slogans.”

Just remember … we’re in the “Me,Too” era.

So cute little references to “grabbing genitalia,” “how about a threesome” or references to “50 Shades of Grey” … probably won’t help you reach your VDay goal.

Just sayin’ …

Hey Kale … I can finally kiss your raggedy ass goodbye!

Kale No! … say “Sayanora” to your privileged position as the go-to Super Food.  One punch to the gut and you fold like private-store-label cheap-frozen-spinach.

So much for being a “trend setter.”  In the history of food ranking, you’re the “Mooch” as the King of Foods!

Hope you like your new space on the bottom shelf of the veggie aisle … right next to the rutabaga!  Jeff Bezos and Whole Foods will toss you outta his store in a matter of weeks.

You won’t hear micro-managing super moms begging their over-privileged kids to “Eat your Kale, Aiden/Avery!  Don’t you want to grow up big and strong … and CEO of a Fortune 100 corporation?”


Kale’s gone as a tier-one-healthy-food and Seriously Absurd’s banging the drums announcing its demise!

In fact … Seriously Absurd’s stumbled on some fantastic food news … there’s no kale in sight in the top 10 trending Super Foods.

Millenials are thrilled ‘cause their penchant for “avocado everythings” is paying off.  Avocado ranks #2 in the top ten.

Even though they have more potassium in them than bananas, you won’t catch me dropping a “glob-o-quac” in my A.M. cereal or oatmeal.

Fermented foods sit atop the list.  That’s really great news ‘cause I just remembered that beer’s fermented … so beer’s gonna be one of my new “go to Super Foods.”

Thank the gods I’ve found a replacement for all that kale I’ve never eaten.


If it’s protein you’re after … and you want to reduce your carbon footprint … scoop up a batch of crickets!

If you can’t get past crunching down on a mouthful of Jimminy Cricket’s distant cousins … grab your Vitamix … throw a handful of the little buggers in … add some new Super Food beets and Kombucha.

Viola … you have a Super Food powered-up “Purple Rain Smoothie” that would make Prince proud … ‘cept he’s dead!

Personally I’m partial to adult beverages … my fave being 6-8 Jimminys-on-a-cocktail-pick, vodka, a drop of Vermouth, a squeeze of lime … shake it and you have a Jimminy Cricketini!  The healthiest cocktail you’ll ever throw down your hatch!

How great’s that?


And … I’m already in touch with that idiot CEO of Chick-fill-a … Dan T. Cathy.

A few years ago he swapped out their best selling coleslaw and climbed on the kale bandwagon … which I knew all along was just a bogus fad … and substituted a Super Food side combo of kale and broccolini … talk about a disgusting Food Flop!

Hey … not everybody’s a winner.

Just sayin’ …