Next Thursday’s Valentine’s Day. Do you want the VDay good news … or the VDay bad news first?
To Hell with it … you get the bad news first.
Necco … makers of Sweetheart candies is gonzo … kaput … bankrupt.
Their small candy hearts … the ones that are so hard they break your teeth, taste like sidewalk chalk, and come imprinted with those dumbass sayings like “Love Bug” … will be hard to find on the shelves for VDay 2019.
And if you can believe it … they’ll taste even worse because the last production run was late July 2018 … “The Day the Necco Died!”
To add insult to injury since they’re now “collector’s items” … they’ll cost you a small candy-fortune … over $20/pound.
Now … for the good news.
Necco was purchased by the same investment group that brought Hostess Foods’ venerable Twinkies back from the dead … which they turned into a billion dollar nationwide diabetes and obesity feeder.
And they’re promising that the totally inedible little SweetHearts … which rank worse on the “Bad-Seasonal-Candy-Scale” than Halloween candy corn and Easter Peeps … will make a Twinkie sized comeback for VDay 2020.
Who said Capitalists don’t have “hearts?”
So … for those of you who are complete losers and have so little imagination that you rely on SweetHearts for your Sweet Heart … you’re SOL … S**t Outta Luck for VDay 2019!
Here’s a Seriously Absurd endorsed strategy.
If you’re able to score SweetHearts … and your Sweetie is “date code” conscious … take them outta the package and tie them in little bundles with cutesy curly red ribbon.
Then as a kick-off to an entertaining “Day of Love” … stage a “Sweet Heart SweetHearts Treasure Hunt” as a start to your VDay.
If your Love is a bit skeptical, incentivize her on this “Love T-Hunt” with cold champagne at each hidey spot.
With any luck and enough SweetHeart bundles … she’ll be drunky-poo by the end of the hunt and either fall asleep … or lucky you … be raring to go for VDay romp in the rose petals.
If you have any sense and a creative bone in your body … salacious pun intended … try this DIY VDay extravaganza.
Bake a batch of small’ish heart shaped cookies and decorate each cookie with your own version of SweetHearts “love-slogans.”
Just remember … we’re in the “Me,Too” era.
So cute little references to “grabbing genitalia,” “how about a threesome” or references to “50 Shades of Grey” … probably won’t help you reach your VDay goal.
Just sayin’ …
Are any stadium seating licences available overlooking the Cheateau de Huss? I’m pretty sure that will be the best spot to watch “The Florida Chainsaw Masacre” that Mari will unleash on your sorry ass should you actually try to implement yout ““Sweet Heart SweetHearts Treasure Hunt” idea….
Oh, TL … You’d be surprised at Mari’s response when champagne’s involved … as long as it’s not that Korbel crap from Publix!
Thanks for reading …
I think you could skip the Sweethearts and just hide glasses of champagne around the house! Oh, and I did see heart shaped “Peeps” at the store… they will never die…
Another good one Richard!!!
How about a bunch of mini-champagne bottles … who knows what might pop up?
Yo, Mikie … good one … beats the Hell outta “Pop up” Valentine’s Day cards … Tie a ribbon ’round that old oak tree … there I go braggin’ again …
Thanks for reading, Debi … Wow … see what happens if you miss one year … Peeps jumps right in and pushes SweetHearts right off the candy shelf .
I can think of worse things than red heart-shaped Peeps … but I’d have to have a lot to drink to grease up the old brain!
At least the little yellow chicks look cute!