Next Thursday’s Valentine’s Day.  Do you want the VDay good news … or the VDay bad news first?

To Hell with it … you get the bad news first.

Necco … makers of Sweetheart candies is gonzo … kaput … bankrupt.

Their small candy hearts … the ones that are so hard they break your teeth, taste like sidewalk chalk, and come imprinted with those dumbass sayings like “Love Bug” … will be hard to find on the shelves for VDay 2019.

And if you can believe it … they’ll taste even worse because the last production run was late July 2018 … “The Day the Necco Died!”

To add insult to injury since they’re now “collector’s items” … they’ll cost you a small candy-fortune … over $20/pound.

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Now … for the good news.

Necco was purchased by the same investment group that brought Hostess Foods’ venerable Twinkies back from the dead … which they turned into a billion dollar nationwide diabetes and obesity feeder.

And they’re promising that the totally inedible little SweetHearts … which rank worse on the “Bad-Seasonal-Candy-Scale” than Halloween candy corn and Easter Peeps … will make a Twinkie sized comeback for VDay 2020.

Who said Capitalists don’t have “hearts?”

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So … for those of you who are complete losers and have so little imagination that you rely on SweetHearts for your Sweet Heart … you’re SOL … S**t Outta Luck for VDay 2019!

Here’s a Seriously Absurd endorsed strategy.

If you’re able to score SweetHearts … and your Sweetie is “date code” conscious … take them outta the package and tie them in little bundles with cutesy curly red ribbon.

Then as a kick-off to an entertaining “Day of Love” … stage a “Sweet Heart SweetHearts Treasure Hunt” as a start to your VDay.

If your Love is a bit skeptical, incentivize her on this “Love T-Hunt” with cold champagne at each hidey spot.

With any luck and enough SweetHeart bundles … she’ll be drunky-poo by the end of the hunt and either fall asleep … or lucky you … be raring to go for VDay romp in the rose petals.

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If you have any sense and a creative bone in your body … salacious pun intended … try this DIY VDay extravaganza.

Bake a batch of small’ish heart shaped cookies and decorate each cookie with your own version of SweetHearts “love-slogans.”

Just remember … we’re in the “Me,Too” era.

So cute little references to “grabbing genitalia,” “how about a threesome” or references to “50 Shades of Grey” … probably won’t help you reach your VDay goal.

Just sayin’ …