1954 … Saturday … I hop my bike and pedal to the theater for the Matinee and a box of Milk Duds.

It’s a western … a Range War … between the ranchers who want wide open grazing lands and the sheep herders … the “nesters” … who want fences to keep their sheep from wandering.

The cowboys hate the nesters … beat ‘em up whenever they see ‘em … sometimes kill ‘em.

The white-hatted-hero appears … singlehandedly guns down a bunch of black-hatted-cowboys … rescues the sheepherder’s daughter … settles down with her to raise sheep and no longer roams the Wild West.

The Range War’s over … and the cowboys lost.

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2019 … the ranchers … now called cattlemen … are up-in-arms again.

This time it’s not sheepherders … this time they’ve declared war on those damn vegans and vegetarians.

It’s all about their “meatless meat” … tastes like meat, smells like meat, cooks like meat … but is plant based and “meat free.”

If this “meatless meat” catches on … what’s gonna happen with all their damn methane-farting-Beevees?

Yep … it’s a modern Range War … but nowadays cowboys can’t gallop down supermarket aisles blasting away at poor hapless “meatless meat eaters.”

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So this war’s being fought in the courts.

And they’re arguing over … “When is meat not a meat?”

The cowboys say … you can’t use our word for “meat” … which is “meat” … especially since your “meat” doesn’t have any “meat” in it.

Uhh … listen up, cowboys … that’s hardly a bumper sticker slogan … and definitely not suitable for the ass end of a Beevee!

You need a little old lady yelling, “Whar’s the beef?”  But Wendy’s beat you to that.

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And you need to pay attention to inconvenient but binding legal precedent … the dairymen already sued over “milk” when they took the nut growers to court and said, “We own milk.”  Your almonds aren’t “milk.”  You can’t “milk an almond.”  You can call it almond anything … but not Almond “Milk.”

Hmm, last time I was hunting and gathering in the grocery store, I saw Almond “Milk” still for sale.  Appears that’s another war that didn’t work so well for ya.

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Plant eaters may not look rough and tough … but then neither did the nesters or the nut farmers.  And you didn’t exactly mop up the Wild West when you declared war on them.

You might want to reconsider your little “Plant Eater War” and turn to raising fartless-methane-free-Beeves.

The atmosphere would thank you … and you wouldn’t be seen as a wild bunch of thoughtless thugs picking on plant-loving humans.

Just sayin’ …