Range Wars: “Mama, don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys …”

1954 … Saturday … I hop my bike and pedal to the theater for the Matinee and a box of Milk Duds.

It’s a western … a Range War … between the ranchers who want wide open grazing lands and the sheep herders … the “nesters” … who want fences to keep their sheep from wandering.

The cowboys hate the nesters … beat ‘em up whenever they see ‘em … sometimes kill ‘em.

The white-hatted-hero appears … singlehandedly guns down a bunch of black-hatted-cowboys … rescues the sheepherder’s daughter … settles down with her to raise sheep and no longer roams the Wild West.

The Range War’s over … and the cowboys lost.


2019 … the ranchers … now called cattlemen … are up-in-arms again.

This time it’s not sheepherders … this time they’ve declared war on those damn vegans and vegetarians.

It’s all about their “meatless meat” … tastes like meat, smells like meat, cooks like meat … but is plant based and “meat free.”

If this “meatless meat” catches on … what’s gonna happen with all their damn methane-farting-Beevees?

Yep … it’s a modern Range War … but nowadays cowboys can’t gallop down supermarket aisles blasting away at poor hapless “meatless meat eaters.”


So this war’s being fought in the courts.

And they’re arguing over … “When is meat not a meat?”

The cowboys say … you can’t use our word for “meat” … which is “meat” … especially since your “meat” doesn’t have any “meat” in it.

Uhh … listen up, cowboys … that’s hardly a bumper sticker slogan … and definitely not suitable for the ass end of a Beevee!

You need a little old lady yelling, “Whar’s the beef?”  But Wendy’s beat you to that.


And you need to pay attention to inconvenient but binding legal precedent … the dairymen already sued over “milk” when they took the nut growers to court and said, “We own milk.”  Your almonds aren’t “milk.”  You can’t “milk an almond.”  You can call it almond anything … but not Almond “Milk.”

Hmm, last time I was hunting and gathering in the grocery store, I saw Almond “Milk” still for sale.  Appears that’s another war that didn’t work so well for ya.


Plant eaters may not look rough and tough … but then neither did the nesters or the nut farmers.  And you didn’t exactly mop up the Wild West when you declared war on them.

You might want to reconsider your little “Plant Eater War” and turn to raising fartless-methane-free-Beeves.

The atmosphere would thank you … and you wouldn’t be seen as a wild bunch of thoughtless thugs picking on plant-loving humans.

Just sayin’ …

4 thoughts on “Range Wars: “Mama, don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys …”

  1. Yippie Oh Ki-Yay, Cowboy!
    Oddly, it seems I missed the memo on this “meatless meat” thing.
    The last “meat substitute” I tried tasted more like something that came out of rear end of a cow rather than an actual grilled slab of said bovine.
    If today’s science (or alchemy or voodoo) can REALLY make green stuff taste exactly like an aged Delmonico with capers and beurre blanc….I’m all for it. So, rustle me up some of this stuff and I’ll give it a try.

    • Yep, Gail … they sure as shootin’ did! Gal darn cattle ranchers don’t know when to quit.

      But, they’ll git their’s in the end … the plants-for-meat folks grew their bizniss like kudzu in Georgia in the summer … outta control!

      Hit won’t be long ‘fore them cowboys’ll be accusin’ the plant ranchers of rustlin’ their cattle. Git along little doagies and thanx for readin’

  2. Tom, Tom, Tom … no amount of molecular manipulation and genuflection can replace an aged Delmonico (well marbled) served with capers and beurre blanc … but it will come close if you keep the accoutrements. So yes … everything works when you serve it with the works … but then there go the healthy aspects of the meal when slathered with slather.

    I tried an “Impossible Burger” the other day … half way thru, I broke out the Hellmans and the 2nd half was decent. I think the Cattlemen are safe for now.

    Thanks for reading and commenting.

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