He couldn’t have his “toy soldier parade” … so he executed a hostile takeover of our national July 4^th celebration … “Welcome to the Trump of July Party!”

You may soon know him as “Generalissimo Donaldo” … the guy who’s taking us below the level of an overripe-near-rotten Banana Republic … and maybe to the level of his much disrespected “S**t Hole Countries.”

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Surprisingly … D.C. taxpayers have been spared.

No tanks … armored vehicles … battalions of marching soldiers … trucks pulling long range missiles to prove El Donaldo’s red button’s bigger than Kim’s.

According to West Wingers … planning his “Trump-centered-biggest-ever-blowout-campaign-rally” has dragged El Donaldo away from binge watching cable news.

A recent screaming tweet from El Generalissimo himself … “Americans should “HOLD THE DATE!” on July 4 for a “Major fireworks display, entertainment and an address by your favorite President, me!”

What?  A speech from the Lincoln Memorial?  Poor Abe … his head’s gotta be spinning in his grave faster than Linda Blair’s in “The Exorcist.”

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Meanwhile, Seriously Absurd has learned that …

A burgeoning new program at Georgetown School of Law … “US Political Felony Law” … plans an “in-the-field-seminar” at the rally so students can witness real-time violations in campaign finance … the emoluments clause … and obstruction of justice as a result of El Generalissimo’s participation in what has been an annual “kum ba yah” event for all Americans.

According to AG Bill “Yes-I-Kiss-His-Ass-Nightly” Barr … “We will declare Georgetown ineligible for any federal funding as soon as Generalissimo Donaldo tells us why!”

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Plus … George Sorros has reserved every available room at Trump’s D. C. International Hotel for the weekend … for a “Yuuge and Biggly Dem Rally!”

All current Democratic presidential candidates have been invited to attend and “work the crowd” at an “Elect (Fill-in-a-Nominee-Here) Rally” held in Trump’s pride … the hotel’s Benjamin Bar and Lounge.

According to Eric “Please-Please-Someone-Call-Me-as-a-Witness” Trump … “I’ve asked Dad to deploy US troops to seal off the Ben Bar.  If we can send 120,000 troops to kick Iran’s ass … I’m sure we can spare a coupla’ hundred to repel a few Demo-rats!”

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And this just in … Kim has loaned his personal binoculars for Donaldo’s observation of the “100% made in China fireworks” extravaganza.

Also … China’s Xi Jinping, aka … “I’m-President-for-Life-and-You’re-Not” … has offered to personally pay the 25% Trump Tariff War up-charge levied on the fireworks.

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It’s tough being “El Generalissimo” … with no respect!

Just sayin’ …

I confess … I’m a “Junk Mail Junkie!”

I sort through and actually read what people have been kind enough to send to me.

Reading junk mail’s way more fun than reading online comments by Truck-Stop-Interstate-Traveler-Critics about the quality of American truck stop food … and then responding by touting truck stop food as one of my favorites.

The fact that I don’t eat in any truck stops is immaterial.  But I digress …

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In my early junk mail years, I declared a silent war against those who senselessly wasted money and tree killing paper in an attempt to connect with me.

I marked each unopened envelope “Return to Sender” and dropped it back in the box at the post office.

Then junk mailers gained an advantage … they convinced the PO to no longer return any “refused junk mail.”

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Never one to admit defeat … I decided I would read the mail to determine if it could ever be helpful – old blind pigs pick up an ear of corn every now and then … had any entertainment value – some of it’s so bad it’s hilarious … or, gods forbid, any redeeming literary value – a big fat zero.

In some instances … armed with my red pen I edited the writing and returned it … first class.

Occasionally I offered my “editing services” … for a nominal fee … and suggested they might improve their response rate if they hired me to “eliminate the egregious errors in their sloppy writing.”

No one ever responded.

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Now, I’ve added a different dimension to my junk mail war effort.

With the help of “Doctor Google” … the digital purveyor of knowledge that heretofore only the oldest, wisest and nicest librarians possessed … I check on random offers.

With just a few key strokes, I can separate junk mail “wheat from chaff” … the good from the bad … the legit from the illegit.

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My best find was a company that offered me a “Free Gourmet Meal at the Golden Corral.”

If you’re reading the words “gourmet meal” and “Golden Corral” in the same paragraph … you should be immediately suspicious.

I turned to Doc Google … and I found a great big “Emeril BAM!”

The first three items on Google were Better Business Bureau warnings … followed by comments from irate and bitter folks who not only ate the “free gourmet meal” … but also forked over hard earned dollars for the product promoted.

Unfortunately their complaints didn’t include the “gourmet-ness” of the Golden Corral.

Just sayin’ …

April was IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) Awareness Month … say what?  I guess the other 11 months no one “gives a s**t!”

I know this because I was watching TV the other night … and I paid particular attention to the commercials.  Something very few people and no dogs ever do.

That’s when I noticed an ad for Linzess … an irritable bowel-constipation syndrome medication.  A Clio Award for Excellence in Advertising should be given to the Linzess VP of Gastroenterology Marketing for this ad.

They “dare to go where no other agency has gone” … right into our damn bathrooms.

And since we’re now deep in scatology here, we need to insert a “Big Butt” into their marketing message.

As far as Seriously Absurd’s “crack” staff is concerned … it  totally misses the point.

Here’s the “scoop” … or maybe it’s the “poop!”

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Linzess takes us into the bathroom of folks who obviously are quite “stuck up!”

Not only do we get to watch them in action … sitting on the throne in their PJ’s … it’s obvious they’re doing a “number two!”

Yes … taking a dump …  and BTW … that’s gotta be the cleanest bathroom I’ve ever seen!

Then ya gotta ask … “Who actually wears pajama sets today? … What is this?  A 1950’s sitcom with Dick & Laura or Ozzie & Harriet sleeping in twin beds?”

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To bring us into today … the sitter … or do we dare say “s***ter” … then pops off the throne … “flashes” a winning smile … and gives us a Tiger Woods fist pump.

C’mon, man!  That’s a sacred fist pump … part of winning the Masters … throwing a TD pass … hitting a winner at the US Open.  Not for taking a crap!

I know IBS’ers probably think otherwise … but couldn’t we just witness one of their “all knowing little smiles” instead of a fist pump?

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But the “nugget” of their message … OMG I’m having so much “pun-fun” … is that the poor IBS-C sufferer is now “saving time” … a quick dump is obviously something that isn’t part of their “life repertoire.”

Saving time?  WTF?

Read the “Game of Thrones” … yuk-yuk-yuk – pun intended … do the NYT’s Sunday crossword puzzle … or try some of those newer “brain games.”

Turn a problem into an opportunity!

Then you’ll save money … avoid all the horrible side effects … I know I read 100’s of negative comments for Linzess … and fight off dementia or Alzheimer’s by exercising that other end of your anatomy.

Just sayin’ …