McConnell family ties: June 4, 2019

Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao stunned fellow cabinet members …  husband Mitch McConnell … and the President this week.

Preferring to now be addressed as “Madam Chao,” she’s proposed that the US annex the Strait of Hormuz so she could control access and egress via her Department of Transportation.

She further proposed that her private family shipping business collect usage tolls … for a fee.

Just in case you haven’t been glued to cable TV/Trump news 24-7 because you spend your time watching Seinfeld reruns … the Strait of Hormuz is the strategic access waterway that opens the Persian Gulf to the rest of the world for five Middle East countries who refuse to play nice together … Iran, Saudi Arabia, UAE, Oman and what’s left of Iraq.

Think “Lucrative Water Toll-way!”

Hey … if the President can use our Treasury as his personal hotel-golf-spa-resort cash pipeline, then why can’t Madam Chao … aka “Bitch McConnell” … feed the McConnell-Chao coffers from the Department of Transportation?

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As an integral part of her “land grab and waterway transport scheme,” Madam Chao recognized that no country in the world has illegally deprived more native land owners of their property rights than the United States.

Manhattan cost us $24 worth of glass beads!  We’ve proven we can take whatever we want … even this bit of salt water.

All Cabinet members … acting and real … voiced their endorsement of Madam Chao’s right to be called “Madam” … while all “remained as silent as Mary’s little lambs” about her Hormuz venture.

On the final page of her 448 page Mueller-length proposal … riddled with obtuse fine print footnotes ensuring no one would read it … a clause grants Trump Enterprises sufficient waterfront property for the erection of a Trump Tower in each country on the shores of the Strait.”

When asked about this clause, Madam Chao threatened to primary the offending Senator guaranteeing the end of his tenure as the leading-pimple-on-the-ass-of-her-progress.”

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In a 4 AM Tweet, Trump lauded Madam Chao and demanded the president of war torn Yemen nominate her for a Nobel Peace Prize “for her efforts to bring everlasting peace and stability to the Middle East.”

Trump added … “This is exactly what I expect of my Cabinet … use their power to line their own pockets with other peoples’ money.

“I’m sure Madam Chao will find a little something extra under Melania’s White House Xmas trees this year.”

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Back in Lexington, hubby Mitch finished the final details of his own grand scheme … relocating Russian natural gas and aluminum companies to Kentucky … for a fee.

Just sayin’ …

I’ve decided that the best source for our political news nowadays is a digital stroll through Dr. Google’s cereal aisle searching … “political humor cereal.”

Most of the political news and problems we face today can be analyzed, understood and quite possibly resolved if we were to carefully study political cereals.

To hell with civics … screw history … fugedabout poli sci … open your mind to the world’s best literature … and flip-the-bird to the nutrition information that’s poisoned your brain.

Political cereals hold the answer to all our questions … and to the questions we’ve never ever even dreamed about.

Fix yourself a cocktail, kick-off your shoes and settle in for a good reading session.

It ain’t just Corn Flakes anymore, folks!

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Name your political party … choose your candidate … don’t limit yourself to General Bullmoose’s US of A.  Cereal boxes promote political faces and positions from all over the world.

Well … not Idi Amin … but definitely the Royals, Saudis, the French, and other world influencers who all have their own cereal lines.

Be sure to check out the current Cap’n Trump … or Trumpies … or my faves, Grope Nuts with you-know-who’s orangey face on the box.  Then there’s the old standby for you “flake holdouts” … Trump Flakes which offer a written promise to be “really, really rich in nutrients.”

Just so I’m not accused of single party bias … you have to try a box of Prix … the cereal for Silly Liberals…not Silly Rabbits.

Instead of their trademark rabbit,” Prix features head shots of Teddy “Yes-I’m-dead-but-I-still-scare-Right-Wing-Nuts” Kennedy, Nancy “I’ve-got-Trump’s-Nuts-in-my-iron-fist” Pelosi and Hillary “I-can’t-believe-he-still-talks-about-me” Clinton … hawking their Prix “liberally sugar coated bulls**t puffs” … which “come with more taxes” … and “free stem cells inside!”

And … you won’t believe what Obama O’s had to offer … “Hope in every bowl!”  Or McCain-i-O’s … going after the Evangelical vote … advertised “now with enriched Jesus stuff!”

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Breakfast cereals aren’t limiting themselves to politics only.

Rumors abound that the fastest growing genre in literature is “Cereal Box Lit.”  It’s perfect for people who don’t read, don’t have time to read, or are eternal ADHD sufferers.

Officials for the Nobel Prize in Literature allegedly are considering “C-B-L” as a new category for their prestigious prize.

To quote an anonymous Nobel source, “If we can recognize Bob Dylan as a ‘Literary Giant’ we can certainly give a hard look at Cereal Box Lit as a legitimate Nobel category.”

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What I know is … I really, really miss Euell Gibbons … Grape Nuts’ undisputed “King of Cereal Spokespeople.”

Just sayin’ …

We all know there’s an Aderall-addicted-tantrum-prone-narcissistic-preschooler currently running the White House … but now we’ve sunk to a new low!

To placate this spooked apparition of a President, our elected officials … and non-news-pundits … have taken to using what they refer to as … the “I-Word!”

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Uh-oh … I flashback to a scene in my less than stellar days as a 5-year old.

My parents whispered about something I did … or did not do … and they didn’t want me to know what they were talking about.

They looked at each other … mom’s arms flapping exasperated … dad with his hands on his hips perplexed … me wondering what atrocity I’d committed and waiting to see whether I was sentenced to … No dessert … No playtime … My mouth washed out with soap … Or ideally, just sent to my room.

I vaguely recalled hearing … “He used the ‘S-Word.’”

The “S-Word” is one thing … but aren’t we adults now … or at least some of us?

What’s with this “I-Word” s**t?

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So I turned to the “new digital thesaurus-at-my-fingertips” … Dr. Google … and searched for words that begin with “I.”

Holy S-Word … there are 35,979 words that start with “I.”

I searched 4-letter words … which are my vocab strength … hoping I’d unearth the “I-Word” these erudite duly elected federal representatives were refusing to utter!

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The dirtiest 4-letter word I could find was “isba” … a “Russian log cabin.”

I’m kinda thinking that anything Russian could set off an early AM tweet-storm-rant-riot … but I don’t think “isba” is the I-Word of the day.

Immigration and infrastructure start with an “I” … and they both represent disastrous attempts at governance by our Liar-in-Chief.  Nope … not them.

Integrationist?  Nah … they would have used the “WS-Words” instead … “White Supremacist.”

I discounted “inalienable” because that’s a word that appears in our Declaration of Independence … a totally unfamiliar document to “His Ignorancy” … our President.

After an exhaustive run through the 35,979 I-Words, I hit on the one that seemed to fit our current situation.

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I-M-P-E-A-C-H-M-E-N-T … an 11-letter word that any middle or high school student who has completed Civics would know.

So how does our Leader of the Free World define the “I-Word?”  At a recent Press Gaggle he said, “It’s a dirty, filthy and disgusting word.”

Hmm … I’m thinking he was projecting his own behavior on this poor truly innocent I-Word.

Just sayin’ …