The New Trumpistory … History Gone Awry

On a July 4, 2019 stormy muggy evening at an outdoor national picnic staged at the feet of Abe Lincoln … our “current-genital-grabbing-Liar-and-Cheater-in-Chief-No Collusion/No Obstruction-you-can’t-make-this-shit-up-White-House-resident” painted a picture of our heroic armed forces making liberal use of Kellyanne Conway’s “Alternative Facts.”

Facing a fritzed-out teleprompter in mid-speech …  forced to rely on his own stable genius cerebral capacities … our prone to bloviate leader launched into a rewrite of the War of 1812 telling the crowd that the US Air Force blasted the ramparts of Ft. McHenry driving the British from our shores thus … exhorting Francis Scott Key to write our wonderful national anthem … “The Star Spangled Banner.”

That speech … and a subsequent Presidential Order … gave birth to “A Trumpistory of US Military Encounters” … which is now a required course in all US high schools effective September 2019.

Seriously Absurd has obtained excerpts of this Shakespearian-Learesque-eye-of-the-newt-witches’-brew of two selected military encounters.


“Remembering the Alamo” (April 25, 1846 – February 2, 1848) … now known as the “War for Rental Car Supremacy.”

Trumpistory reveals that our brave frontier soldiers withstood siege after siege from Mexicans driving their “beaters” … actually rented from “El Cheapo Auto Rentals of Mexico” … across our open Southern borders … dumping trunk loads of drugs and illegal aliens on US soil.

According to Trumpistory … “Some of them were murderers and rapists … some were not so bad … many became the Founding Fathers of MS13.

“But we beat them back and now lead the world in privately held rental car agencies.”


The Spanish-American War (April 21-October 13, 1898) … Trumpistory tells us that American forces … captivated by the genius of the military marketing slogan, “Remember the Maine” … and recognizing the importance of Maine … rushed to protect “lobstah” traps off the shores of Maine with an impenetrable curtain of ICBM missiles.

Meanwhile, the Spanish stationed in Cuba … mostly interested in fύtbol and dancing with castanets … surrendered after only 10 weeks of combat … and gladly gave the US possession of Puerto Rico and Guam.

Trumpistory asserts that “Puerto Rico’s proven to be a not so hot investment … in spite of all the money I’ve given them… and we probably should give them back to Cuba.

“But Guam … if we can close down that military base … looks good as a site for a ‘Pacific Trump Tower.’”


Who knows … if not for his pesky bone spurs … “Trumpistory” might have included the Viet Nam War.

Just sayin’ …