The New Trumpistory … History Gone Awry

On a July 4, 2019 stormy muggy evening at an outdoor national picnic staged at the feet of Abe Lincoln … our “current-genital-grabbing-Liar-and-Cheater-in-Chief-No Collusion/No Obstruction-you-can’t-make-this-shit-up-White-House-resident” painted a picture of our heroic armed forces making liberal use of Kellyanne Conway’s “Alternative Facts.”

Facing a fritzed-out teleprompter in mid-speech …  forced to rely on his own stable genius cerebral capacities … our prone to bloviate leader launched into a rewrite of the War of 1812 telling the crowd that the US Air Force blasted the ramparts of Ft. McHenry driving the British from our shores thus … exhorting Francis Scott Key to write our wonderful national anthem … “The Star Spangled Banner.”

That speech … and a subsequent Presidential Order … gave birth to “A Trumpistory of US Military Encounters” … which is now a required course in all US high schools effective September 2019.

Seriously Absurd has obtained excerpts of this Shakespearian-Learesque-eye-of-the-newt-witches’-brew of two selected military encounters.

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“Remembering the Alamo” (April 25, 1846 – February 2, 1848) … now known as the “War for Rental Car Supremacy.”

Trumpistory reveals that our brave frontier soldiers withstood siege after siege from Mexicans driving their “beaters” … actually rented from “El Cheapo Auto Rentals of Mexico” … across our open Southern borders … dumping trunk loads of drugs and illegal aliens on US soil.

According to Trumpistory … “Some of them were murderers and rapists … some were not so bad … many became the Founding Fathers of MS13.

“But we beat them back and now lead the world in privately held rental car agencies.”

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The Spanish-American War (April 21-October 13, 1898) … Trumpistory tells us that American forces … captivated by the genius of the military marketing slogan, “Remember the Maine” … and recognizing the importance of Maine … rushed to protect “lobstah” traps off the shores of Maine with an impenetrable curtain of ICBM missiles.

Meanwhile, the Spanish stationed in Cuba … mostly interested in fύtbol and dancing with castanets … surrendered after only 10 weeks of combat … and gladly gave the US possession of Puerto Rico and Guam.

Trumpistory asserts that “Puerto Rico’s proven to be a not so hot investment … in spite of all the money I’ve given them… and we probably should give them back to Cuba.

“But Guam … if we can close down that military base … looks good as a site for a ‘Pacific Trump Tower.’”

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Who knows … if not for his pesky bone spurs … “Trumpistory” might have included the Viet Nam War.

Just sayin’ …

10 thoughts on “The New Trumpistory … History Gone Awry

    • Hey, Debi … Thanks for readin’ and commenting … I liked the idea of redoing our fact based and boring history lessons with the new “Alternative Fact Trumpistory!” Let’s bring history into the 21st Century … damn facts just clutter up the truth!

  1. Ah, thank goodness – or seriously absurd-ness – THE HUSS PUPPY IS BACK!
    (Who knew how much I’d miss my Sunday servings of this southern-fried cornmeal? But now, Sir Richard, it’s time to put your investigaive reporting hat on and let us know if it’s true our Fearless Leader is planing to re-name all federal parks “Nathan Bedford Forrests”…….and introduce a dress code involving assorted bed linens and pointy hoods.)

    • Aaah TL … your love of history comes thru with your mention of the infamous Nathan Bedford Forrest … one of the most controversial Confederate Generals in battle and post war.

      He shared many traits with our current White House occupant, and did make it to Washington as a member of Congress.

      He also got himself elected as the very first Grand Dragon of the Klan, was the overseer of the wanton slaughter of 100’s of Northern soldiers who were Black, and continues to this day to be a center of hot debate whenever someone tries to memorialize his exploits posthumously.

      All I can say is before the Jacksonville HS named for him (NB Forrest High School) dropped his name from their school, we journeyed north from Miami (Miami Jackson HS) and whupped their asses the three years I played football for the “Generals.”

      As for NB Forrest’s future with JD Trump … who the hell knows what racist craziness will come from that relationship!

  2. Good morning Richard:

    Being a former CIA agent, Culinary Institute of America, and former bagman in the deep state. I must inform you we the people will be visiting the store where everyone knows everything about everything.

    Eye hope eye sea u bee four THEM dew.

    Agent blew.

    • Ken … you blew your undercover cover when you mentioned your brief career as a “Deep State Bagman” … I can tell you that our neighborhood deep state misses you … I look for your photo every time I walk past the “Photo Wall of Store Managers” … your spirit lives eternally at the foot of register #3!

      I asked about you the other day and was immediately ushered into the security office … they didn’t have rubber hoses so could not get me to reveal your current hiding place(s).

      You’re currently safe … but only temporarily … thanks for going public and commenting on my Trumpistory blog … life with Alternative Facts!

  3. Once again, you’re just proving #45 correct when he says the Seriously absurd fake news needs him for ratings and readership!

    He must be re-elected and then followed by his children. There are how many, 5? That would give us a bit over 45 years to truly figger out how to rid our country of the T-Stain.

    • Mike … Thanks for reading and commenting. I have … unfortunately … given thought to the Trump Family Affair” as our First Family of Leaders … and at the rate they’re breeding there could a succession plan for another 45 years of Trumps.

      I’m glad I won’t be around for the first “Grand-Trump” to be sworn in.

      As for my needing him for the blog … picking low hanging fruit has always been my strength … why struggle when the rotten fruit hangs at eye level?

      You may recall I did one blog on the sin of eating kale …

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