Magic Juice … or rocket fuel for lemmings?

 

We live in an alternative-fact, post-truth era.

Nothing incites our National League of Health Lemmings to dive over the cliff of wellbeing more than the latest non-science non-thinking nonsense of a Gwyneth Paltrow endorsed star-based pseudo-health recommendation.

It’s one thing to attack my bacon, eggs, cheese, red meat, if-I-can’t-pronounce-it-don’t-eat-it, daily requirement diet based on limiting those calories, and by-God-never-letting-butter-touch-my-lips.

But it’s quite another to tell me that all my ills, ails, blockages, and flatulence will disappear while consuming one simple food item.

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Where else … other than LA … would this claim to be a super food with super curative powers emanate?

The guru and perpetrator of this health fraud … oops, I mean “food” … Anthony William isn’t a certified nutritionist or medical doc … hold on to your seat … he  proclaims to be a “medical medium.”

C’mon man … he’s a “Fruit and Veggie Whisperer?”  Or, a “Root and Nut Conjurer?”

Get this … the dude goes on to say, “I’m not a graduate of anything.  I’ve just been doing this my whole life.”

Great … I’ve got nothing against being self-taught using your entire life experience.  But I’d feel a lot better if you were “doing this” for your whole life and you were in your 80’s!

Since you’re not even close to your 80’s … your claim of “lifetime experience” is a dubious strategy.

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If you want to hop on Gwyneth’s latest “health-wagon” … “eat your way to good health with one simple food”… just take a quick run to the produce section of your neighborhood supermarket.

You don’t even have to go to a Whole Foods/Amazon, Trader Joe’s, Lucky’s Market or any of the LA or Manhattan “star-laced-veggie-boutiques.”

You do need to know that in some of these more upscale urban areas where the 1% Lemmings hangout … you’ll probably pay a premium for this super food because “Gwyneth-Loving-Health-Wagon Hoarders” have created shortages.

This just shows you how Lemming-esque we are as a consumer group.

I mean … when’s the last time you reached for celery and the bin was empty?

Oops … my bad … now the Medical Medium’s big secret’s out … it’s celery juice!

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Good news … Maybe we’ll be talking more about Anthony William and his magical celery juice while my least BFF in the world, Gwyneth, slides into the La Brea Tar Pits.

Better news … I’m off to my vodka stash … I bet I can turn this celery s**t into a real health drink!

Sooo, sooo healthy I am!

Just sayin’ …

 

7 thoughts on “Magic Juice … or rocket fuel for lemmings?

  1. Guess it makes sense that celery should be elevated to star status. After all, it’s been bad-mouthed for decades because of high salt content. It can’t be all bad though, because it makes an excellent swizzle stick for a Bloody Mary.

  2. Careful, Huss Puppy….if ya like your celery juice cocktail ya might be tempted to fire-up the laptop and order a Norwalk Hydraulic Press Juicer.
    They go for a mere $3,179.
    The good news? Plunk down three grand for a juicer and they give ya FREE SHIPPING!
    Mari, however, may give you something rather different when that credit card bill arrives.

  3. Love this one! Thanks, Richard, for making me laugh out loud this Sunday morning after a week of being in the pits about the gun violence and ICE.

  4. I was reading about bacteria in the ocean along my beloved Myrtle Beach Grand Strand and envisioning more problems than Trump red plastic straws floating there with the fish.
    Human fecal matter? Ahh shit.

    Then your humorous piece about LA had me laughing again. Yes this age of ours begs for your kind of relief.

  5. Medical medium?

    Clearly he should re-consider his goals. After all, wouldn’t he get better press if he were a Medical X-tra Large? Depending on how these things get measured, I’m betting that he’s actually a Medical Petite …

    You on the other hand, are nothing short of a Medical Miracle!

    Thanks always for the laughs! (and Mari’s cartoon-finding genius!)

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