Astro Turkey … Your Turkey Horoscope

Thanksgiving’s right around the corner … and some folks plan their Thanksgiving dinner based on Astrology.

I think that’s pretty cool … but what’s more cool?

Base the center piece of your Thanksgiving feast-meal on the astrological sign of your gobbler.

I mean … C’mon Man … the star of the show’s the Big Bird in the center of the table!  Who serves Thanksgiving fish … or beef … or Mac’n’Cheese?

It’s all about the bird … and if you want that astrological boost in your life … choose your turkey based on its astro-sign … its “born-on-date.”

Eat your sign … get a perfect match astrologically speaking … it’s all about your Big Bird!


ARIES … the Ram … Your bird was driven, ambitious and curious … uhoh!  This bird loved being placed in leadership positions.  What better “place” than the middle of your banquet table?

TAURUS … the Bull … They value their sense of stability and security … a bit stubborn, they dislike change … once baked, they’ll have no more problems with that!

GEMINI … the Twins … Double the pleasure … double the fun … they loved surrounding themselves with people … best served as a duo … one at the head and one at the foot of your oversized very crowded Thanksgiving table.

CANCER … the Crab … She needs to be needed … had a great desire to feel loved … when you sit in front of your Cancer turkey, be sure to lavish praise on her!

LEO … the Lion … He may have roared like a Lion … paraded around like a king … but he still ended up on the platter … that’s the big joke on Leos!

VIRGO … the Virgin … Team players … very intelligent (for a turkey) … and can be intuitive … since she was often critical, she’s best eaten at one sitting!

LIBRA … the Scales … These birds thrived when their needs of balance, justice and stability were met … massage them … brine them … baste them at regular intervals to ensure a more harmonious oven experience.

SCORPIO … the Scorpion … She always watched you in spite of her secretive, seemingly withdrawn and uninterested manner … she’s best served straight from the fridge … slathered with butter and salt and plopped deep in a flash frying turkey fryer.  Take no prisoners!

SAGITTARIUS … the Centaur … The explorer and lover of adventure … they roamed the world looking for new experiences … most likely a wild bird brought to your table from the fields … not the farm … tough and gamey … but definitely on the wild side!

CAPRICORN … the Goat … A practical turkey and deft organizer … she always tried to herd the flock in one direction … wanted everything in order … be sure your table’s organized and your dinner plan’s perfectly executed … along with your turkey!

AQUARIUS … the Water Bearer … Often the most easily bored of the flock … she always looked for something new … very quirky personalities … best served with an array of unusual side dishes … say bye-bye to Thanksgiving traditions!

PISCES … the Fish … The Dreamers in the flock … honest and trustworthy but can be gullible … that could be how they ended up on your table … handle them gently when prepping them.


Happy Thanksgiving … Just sayin’ …

8 thoughts on “Astro Turkey … Your Turkey Horoscope

  1. Bravo Richard…the turnkey guide to turkeys! Avian astrology at it’s best. And speaking of ass-trology, I hope you washed your hands before AND after stuffing these birds…and wore a rubber glove while practicing the proctological procedure of stuffing these oversized pilgrim pigeons!

    • Hey TeeL … thanks for readin’! And the answer is “Yes.”

      I washed my hands before and after … and as an added precaution, wiped that young turkey’s ass with Purell as pre-stuff procedure!

      BTW … the faint taste of a “purelled turkey” proved to be no hindrance … in fact it was a flavor enhancer!

    • Oh Yee of little faith … not suffering like the rest of us turkeys who think we must eat turkey on Turkey Day … do you think the Pilgrims had a brisket handy on their first T-Day?

      BTW … I love brisket … how was it?

      Thanks for reading and commenting … Gobble, gobble!

    • Hi Maggie … bang! That’s you hitting the nail on the head with this blog … you win! You’re the only on that raised the issue of “what sign is the turkey implying how-in-the-Hell do you know when your turkey was born!

      The good news since this is a blog that desperately clings to no fact based info … I clearly have no idea how you would determine the “born-on-date” of a turkey and therefore the turkey’s zodiac sign … but never fear … we can just pretend we know it!

      Thanks for reading …

  2. If she’s Aquarius aND I’m Aries, do we split the difference and go with Pisces, or maybe just go to Pisces Rising?

    • Hi Mike … Your comment has been forwarded to the Seriously Absurd resident astrologist. She may or may not ever get around to your question. If we paid her a living wage, she might look into your situation.
      In the meantime, I have a suggestion … since she’s Aquarius, the and easily bored and you’re an obstinate Aries, I would practice the phrase, “Whatever you say, Dear.”

      But then I know nuttin’ about space, stars and all that astronomy shit …

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