“THE Season?”  What “Season” are you squawking about?  Winter?  Xmas?  That’s done and gone.

We’re way beyond wishing friends and neighbors “Happy New Year!”

What “Season?”

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The “Diet Season” … it starts every January and it’s the source of major guilt for 365 days.

It’s also the season we start … only to end quicker than any other.  It’s the one we swear to keep … for an entire year!  Not!  Nope!  Never gonna happen!

It’s just a matter of how quickly we can ditch it.

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At Seriously Absurd Mount Dora headquarters we’ve decided to help you with the base stupidity of our national pledge to shed those pounds … flatten those tummies … develop at least one can of those six-pack abs!

We’ve found the worst … the craziest … the dumbest of the diets you should never pledge to keep … or even try.

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#1 … Any nutrition info suggested by Gwyneth Paltrow … Beyonce … Big Butted Kardashians … or those who advise you while sucking-on-a-biodegradable-straw-in-a-fresh-lemon-juice-concoction-in-a-reusable-bottle-while-driving-their-Prius-to-their-private-Yoga-session.

#2 … Anything using the name-title-phrase or hint of … “The Tape Worm Diet.”  Yep … it’s real … and some crazy folks try it.

You don’t have to swallow the worm … just the egg.  Then kickback and experience a 50% … or more nutrient/food loss … while your pet worm grows.

If you’re crazy enough to try this … you might not want to peek at the enhanced microscopic photos of the “Alien-esque” worm hooked to your digestive system.  Scaaaary!

#3 … The Fabulous Ms. M (Marilyn Monroe) started her day … unless she was with JFK … with two whipped eggs coddled in warm milk … skipped her lunch assuming she was still with JFK … and had an evening meal of broiled meat and five carrots.  Nothing was said about cocktails … or portion control … for the “Fabulous Ms. M.”

Lady Gaga allegedly starts her day with two jars of Gerber baby foods … that’s breakfast and lunch … and finishes with a “normal well balanced” dinner.

I say she should stay on Gerber but move to “stage three Gerber Chewables” for dinner.  Why ruin a good thing … especially since Gerber Chewables pair well with most $200 bottles of red!

Then there’s always the “Sirt Food” plan … it starts with a well balanced red wine and dark chocolate … followed by a bunch of s**t no one’s interested in.

It appears that there really is something for everyone … in the Wild West World of Diets.

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Just sayin’ …

Every year millions of Americans set themselves up for abject failure … self- loathing … self-hate.

Then they spend countless dollars trying to fix their screwed up psyches as they return to their favorite “couch consultants” to repair their broken lives.

And their major complaint?

“Why … why … can’t I keep a few simple resolutions beyond the first month of the New Year?”

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Well listen to me my “little-chickadees-of-life” … read on as I spill the secret to reclamation and endless happiness so you won’t slog and trudge through 2020.

Here’s the pathway to achieve your dream of keeping three of the most popular resolutions.

MAKE A NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION YOU CAN KEEP!

Here’s my “K-I-S-S” list to jumpstart your 2020 success.

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Diet … Diet-Schmiet.  Laugh in the face of Marie Osmond!

No way she looks that good … has lost that much weight eating shit food mailed to her by Nutrisystem!

Save your money.  Walk away from the stress.  All you need to do is make one simple adjustment in your life!

In a word … Velcro!

Buy Velcro shoes … No more grunting … huffing … muttering while you try to tie shoelaces that remind you you’re still carrying the weight you swore you’d lose 10 years ago!

Slap and go with … “Guilt Free Velcro!”

Velcro solved my problem … and, it can work for you!

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Exercise … Exercise Schmex-ercise.  The worst invention in the world was the guilt inducing pedometer!

As we age, our aches, cramps and muscle twitches occur all night.  That’s an extra 7-8 hours of muscle activity.  We stumble to the bathroom every night to pee … most of us more than once!

Don’t lose valuable “steps” … convert that muscle activity … those tosses and turns.  Wear your spunky pedometer 24-7 and capture those previously uncounted calories.

Remember … steps = weight loss!

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Stressed?  Stress-schmess!

Return your home to those happy-carefree days … when your living room was for living … not stressing … avoiding disasters like murder and mayhem.

Bring back your happy-go-lucky past.  “Seinfeld” works as you laugh about nothing.

“Friends” and their happy times in Central Perks … no one ever dies!

Morality tales?  “Mayberry RFD” … see how “black-and-white” morality issues can be as Andy … a single father … raises Opie.

And, don’t forget “Perry Mason” … the bad guy’s always caught … found guilty …  and confesses.

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That’s three of my EZ to keep New Year’s Resolutions … cost free … guaranteed to “keep you off the “Freud-Couch.”

Feel good about yourself … you can thank me later!

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Just sayin’ …