“Hi … Tony Romo, former quarterback in the NFL … here on the beach under my Corona umbrella enjoying the sun, the sand, the waves, and my Corona … with a slice of lime.
“We’re offering special pricing today because crazy Americans think they’re protecting themselves from the ‘Coronavirus’ … by not drinking Corona beer!”
In a recent poll, 38% of beer swillers nationwide have totally sworn off Corona fearing they will contract the virus. AB InBev, owner of the Corona brand, has lost $170 million in profits to date.
Advice released from President Trump … “I’m the King of Branding … I think those Corona guys need to make their beer more patriotic … they need Tom Brady to join their team for a newer more patriotic beer … ‘Brady Beer.’ Screw Romo … he was always a loser!”
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“Hi … Ling Lang Lee here in San Francisco’s China Town … standing in front of my vacant Chinese restaurant ready to serve incredible and healthy food at deep discount prices … because you crazy people think I’m spreading the ‘Coronavirus’ serving you egg rolls and General Tsao’s chicken … both of which are totally American rip-offs of Chinese food.
“There’s nothing from China in any of our authentic Chinese dishes … our foods are totally ‘dog-free.’
All of our cooks and wait staff are at least 3rd generation American citizens. They think there really was a General Tsao.”
President Trump has thrown his full weight … uhoh … behind this appeal to support America’s Chinese ghettos.
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“Hi … Detective Joe Friday … in LA with a special Public Service Announcement
“The latest batch of Angel Dust flooding the streets of Hollywood is contaminated with Coronavirus.
“If you bring your stash to the West Hollywood station … we’ll be glad to take it off your hands … no questions asked. If you feel uncomfortable bringing your dope to the station … give us your address and we’ll come right over. Do the right thing!”
It’s rumored that President Trump has nominated the entire West LA Police Department for a Medal of Freedom Award stating … “They stand proudly with Rush Limbaugh.”
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“Good evening … this is your President speaking … you’ve got nothing to fear but fear itself. I’ve launched an all out Twitter Assault guaranteed to destroy this Corona-beery-thingie.
“I’ve also appointed my favorite ass kisser, Vice President Mike Pence, to head my Coronovirus Task Force.
I alone will make sure no one from my administration makes any statement that in any way contradicts what I say about this strain of flu … which is little more than a common cold.”
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Me … ? I’m stickin’ with a slice of truth in my Corona.
Just sayin’ …