Okay class … today we learn how to wash our hands. Everyone … step-up to your sink and sing with me.
“This is the way we wash our hands,
Wash our hands, wash our hands.
This is the way we wash our hands
So early in the morning.”
Now let’s all shout out a great big “Thank you” to … Mother Goose!
Even Sesame Street celebrates National Hand Washing Awareness Week … which if you missed the Sesame Street culture, takes place the first week of December.
Raya & Elmo demonstrate proper hand washing to preschoolers … but now we need preschoolers to give the big kids and adults a refresher course!
True to our country’s basic panic mentality, we’ve cleared America’s retail shelves of Purell, private label hand sanitizers … and all alcohol … as in Rubbing and Isopropyl.
And a new breed of “Purell Pirates” has cornered the market … so they can sell it through Amazon and EBay at “ransom level prices.”
Twenty bucks per bottle anyone?
Hell … that gives new meaning to Vulture Capitalism!
But … you have to give consumers credit … they’re always one step ahead of retailers.
Faced with vacant Purell shelves … some consumers applied creative, but warped logic to the situation … and are using Tito’s.
Follow their thread … “Handmade vodka … no Purell … coronavirus scare … ergo, it’s alcohol-and-hands … what the Hell?”
But Tito’s takes this seriously … if not a bit absurdly.
With each Twittersphere mention of using Tito’s precious “handmade vodka” as a hand sanitizer … instead of a Moscow Mule … which I personally think is a waste of even bad vodka … Tito’s launches a Tweet reply:
“…. per the CDC, the alcohol carrier in a sanitizer must be a minimum 60% alcohol … Tito’s sadly, is only 40% … and while remarkably drinkable … should not be wasted as a sanitizer.”
These the same “Stupids” who refused to drink Corona Beer because of Coronavirus … and cost that company over $170,000,000 in profits?
Now they’ve linked “Handmade Tito’s” to a sanitizer to kill coronavirus germs?
Seems that Forrest Gump’s mama was right … “Stupid is as stupid does.”
Meanwhile the Seriously Absurd staff and our standard poodle, Rani, have scouted the ‘hood in hopes of finding young entrepreneurs who dumped the “All-American Lemonade Stand” for the much more lucrative “Hand Sanitizer Stand.”
But alas … no entrepreneurs occupy that income stream. We surmised their allowances were too high … and “their entrepreneurial spark of poverty” had been killed.
Look for the Girl Scouts to fill that void with a “Cool Mint Chocolate Sanitizer!”
Just sayin’ …
But, McHuss (the hand-grime dog)….What about Mountain Dew? Not that silly soft drink but real live moonshine? That stuff has more alcohol in it than rocket fuel does and will kill anything…especially the folks who drink it…..but for hand-washing, who knows? It might just save the planet!
Plus, it would give a sorely needed economic boost to West Virginia!
It’s certainly a better option than Tito’s or – dare I say it – Lava Soap…a street-legal bar that will tear the skin off your hands exposing all your blood vessels (capillaries and Montague-ees) to any passing pathogen….
I’m still waiting for the Corona Beer folks to virtually embrace the virus with an ad that ends with a person walking out of a store with a 6-pack in hand, and the voice-over saying:
“There goes another happy Corona Beer purchaser … let’s make it go viral!”
Guess I’d better up my consumption of Corona Extra to support the economy during these difficult times.
You said it. Seriously absurd. Amen.
My compliments on your choices of cartoons this issue – spot on for the “spot off” issue of the moment!
Re Corona Beer, I think they should use a temporary slogan “A Corona by any other name, simply ISN’T the same”. I too am switching from my regular Blue Moon brew to Corona for the duration.
The tricky part about hand washing is that most people think 5 seconds is 20 seconds. Kinda like 4 inches is really 6, but I won’t go there. Put a timer on it and wash for 20 full seconds before rinsing. It’s an ETERNITY! Especially since you can’t type on your cellphone or watch TV or read interesting blogs like this while you’re doing it. Nope, just washing, washing, washing. Perhaps you could make up a clever 20 second jingle to sing while washing hands and copyright it. I”ll take a meager 10% cut for having the idea…
I predict that the consultants at McKinsey and their ilk will come up with an estimate of how much of our lives are spent doing 20 second hand washes. Include the time to walk to and from a sink, the time to roll up your sleeves*, the rinsing and drying time, and rolling the sleeves down again. It’s bound to be at least a 5 to 7 minute process for those who work in offices. And how many times a day? At least every half hour! We’re talking about a serious loss of employee productivity for corporations!
* I know you only wear T-shirts, but the office folks have to contend with long sleeves.
Keep the infotainment coming!
Here’s a related bon mot, courtesy of Florida’s Troubadour Emeritus, the late Gamble Rogers: “Now repeat after me: ‘Sorry is as sorry does.'”
A fan in Orlando