Don’t know about you, but I’m having real trouble keeping up with that moron who has taken up residence in our White House.

I started three hilarious blogs this week that crashed and burned … all   because the dumb f**ker had to retract what he said, did, or lied about.

I think we’re in a rapid cycling manic mode where he changes the news before we at Seriously Absurd can make fun of it.

But just so you won’t lose faith in me … I’ve come up with my latest in cocktail creations … “The C-19 UV Disinfectant Mind Blower.”

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It’s made from common household ingredients … mainly because I don’t know of a single household that doesn’t have vodka in it!

You will need to add your own personal UV lamp as a part of your bar accessories.  Surprisingly, they’re very easy to attain … even Wayfair has ‘em.

Choose from 109,000,000 offerings in .64 seconds thanks to the “Magic of Dr. Google.”

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For best results you’ll need …

Yuuge etched Trump Profile glass

Biggly Red-White & Blue USA Stainless Steel Shaker

New-to-the-market Presidential Seal Anti-viral Disinfectant … choose from lemon/lime, strawberry or Concord grape flavor … 2 ounces

2020 Trump Keep America Great 80 proof made in China potato vodka … 3 ounces

Juice from ½ lime … drop crushed lime in glass

Top with a splash of Trump Kosher Seltzer imported from Bebe’s Beverages, Israel

Place glass with all ingredients under UV light for at least 15 minutes

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Add crushed ice … and shake thoroughly … pour into your Trump Profile glass … serve with a Trump MAGA straw.

If you live to talk about it … call me.

Just sayin’ …

“Heigh-Ho … heigh ho … it’s ‘off to work’ we go ….” At least some US citizens have had enough of this COVID-Crap and are lined up … ready and willing … to return to thrills of the workplace.

It makes you wonder … are they more willing to face the spiky little viral terminator … or, the forever wait for promised relief that the Trump Administration has so far royally f**ked up and underfunded.

And if our “self-proclaimed-feudal-king” has his way … we’ll be off to work sooner than later … so he can claim “the fastest, biggest, best, most successful ever pandemic-recovery-in-the-history-of-our-country!”

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To Hell with the fact that unless you’re already in the hospital being treated for C-19 … a celebrity or a politician … we have no clue who really has it … who doesn’t have it … and who doesn’t know whether or not he has it.

Who needs a pesky test to determine whether you’re a “wandering, globulating COVID-Carl or COVID Carol” … that’s just more “science gobbledygook!”

You’ll be at work … side-by-side … cubicle-by-cubicle … if some of you drop dead and/or infect others … so what?  People die every day and we don’t shut down!

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Besides the only way Trump thinks he can win re-election and stay out of prison … is by jump starting “his economy.”

Remember his original campaign rally cry?  “You’re gonna be so, so tired of winning … all this winning!”

Now even Trumpty-Dumpty knows it’s a hu-u-uge stretch to declare he’s winning the economic battle when we have fewer jobs than we had before our last “Great Recession” … which OMG was pre-Obama!

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To bolster his “Call to Work,” Dumpty-Trumpty arm twisted his two Reality TV Doctors to offer their “medical” opinions on the matter.

Enter stage “Right” … the Chief Medical Ass Kissers … Doctors Oz & Phil … longtime sufferers from “Celebrity Foot-n-mouth Disease.”

Oz at least wears a stethoscope and has an MD.

Dr. Phil bolstered his heartfelt care for our citizens when he declared that we tolerate the tragedies of auto accidents & swimming pool deaths and “don’t shut down our country.”

Dr. Oz … echoing his own high level of insensitivity … said schools are wonderful places for our kids to get a head start in life … and if we’re only losing 2-3% of them … it might “be worth the tradeoff.”

Hey Docs … sign me up for an appointment … can’t wait for you to prescribe a “ration of compassion” … what caring thoughtful people you are … NOT!

Just sayin’ …

Mari recently burst into my “Nothing Room” destroying the brilliance of a very serious think tank session I was having with myself.

Reconvened in the Bored Room, she announced that amidst this CoronaPlague-19 … medical science just explained the reason we have a severe toilet paper shortage!

It’s not because we suddenly and senselessly started wadding-and-wiping.  “IT’S BECAUSE EVERYONE’S CRAPPING AT HOME … IN THEIR OWN TOILETS!”

Listen-up!

One of the primary reasons we send adults and kids off to work and school is because they enjoy one of America’s greatest “freebies” … FREE TOILET PAPER!

For most Americans in school or at work … that’s a dump-a-day … maybe more.

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Now don’t go crazy and send your little munchkins to the neighbor’s house to crap and use their toilet paper … thinking you’re gonna solve this “non-shortage.”

That’s not gonna work.

The “Issue-of-our-Tissue” is we have rolls of TP where we don’t need them … and empty shelves where we need TP.

Stop and think my little grasshopper … where is all that abandoned toilet paper we’re not using?

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If we want to “Restore the TP Roll to its Rightful Role” … we need to take advantage of “The Great American Shutdown!”

Armed with an Executive Order, The Trumpmeister must demand that businesses surrender their vacant-in-house-shitter-TP-supply … and similarly … an armed Betsy DeVoss must storm the supply closets of America’s shuttered school buildings  … and confiscate all the paper designed for kid-butts!

DeVoss … taking lessons from Kellyanne Conway as Chief-Trump-Ass-Kisser … has already commandeered school security guard forces to gain access to the schools’ TP supplies.

El Presidente ordered his Head Henchman, William Barr, to make TP Policing the Justice Department’s top priority prosecuting every American corporation that dared not cooperate with the “TP Search & Seizure Executive Order.”

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Leaked White House plans show prototype rolls “rewrapped” … without additional charge to consumers …  as “COVID-19-MAGA-RED-WRAP-ROLLS.”  MAGA Reds will soon hit store shelves … from the Atlantic to the Pacific … from Canada to Mexico.

Talk about televised “Prime Time Rallies” … plans for each rally call for “Trump MAGA Roll Lobs” into his rabidly screaming crowds.

When asked about the efficacy of “Safe Social Distancing” at Trump Rallies … one merry rally goer shouted … “The onliest ‘F’ I know is ‘F**k COVID-19’ … Ah got mah own MAGA Red TP … signed by thu ‘Man hizzelf … what else do ah need?’”

It reeks of Ratings!

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Just sayin’ …

We now have definitive proof that men … not women … are the weaker sex.

Suck-it-up Fellow-Buttercups … thanks to COVID-19 we men now face the proverbial … “Houston we have a problem!”

COVID-19 is kicking male-butt up to twice as often as females’ and … unlike our White House Leader … the numbers don’t lie!

It’s true.

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We’ll rule out that the gnarly little virus is gender specific.

But then … we do have to face that men actually may be that stupid when it comes to rules, laws, requirements … or maybe even suggestions about … their behavior?

Hmmm … let’s start with some basics.

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When is 6’ really 6’?

Ask any man and he’ll emphatically show you his idea of 6 inches!

But when we switch to “feet” … men suddenly become brain dead … and 6’ becomes 3’!

The CDC … and virtually every medical professional in the US, states that to help avoid COVID-19 we must keep 6’ apart in social situations!

But can men do that … Hell, no!

Just as they can’t tell the difference between 6” and 3” … the poor bastards can’t tell the difference between 6’ and 3’.

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Let’s look at time … just as with inches and feet … men are hopeless when it comes to time measurements.

Example … “Whatya mean that was only two minutes?”

If we’re gonna apply the sex reference to washing hands … most men think 20 seconds is a f**king eternity.

Whatya mean I need to sing “Happy Birthday” twice … or Queen’s “We will rock you …” or, “Twinkle, twinkle, little star a couple of times?

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Let’s look at another important task … gassing up the car.

For sure you don’t want to touch the filthy COVID-19 gas pump handle.

So … armed with Handi Wipes, I set out to do the “male thing” and went to RaceTrac.  Don’t even ask why I didn’t bring gloves!

Have you ever tried to wrap an effing Handi Wipe around the handle of a gas pump?

Don’t bother.  It will take you 15 minutes to accomplish a 3-minute task!  Remember … take a GLOVE … and USE IT!

Unless you’re still waiting for your backorder!

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Folks … the problem is simple.

It’s not COVID-19 … it’s that we’re asking men to change their habits … and for the first time it really matters.

How hard can it be to admit and accept that we’re not immortal … that we might not be “right” … that we probably should change our behavior?

Evidently … pretty damn hard … because we’re catching and dying from COVID-19 at a way higher rate than women.

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So … maybe the real question is … “Why do we bother to challenge women when they really do know how measurements & time work?”

Just sayin’ …